Writing On the Wall @psychosurgeries - Tumblr Blog

9/11/19 11:54pm

decisions

regret

passiveness

aggression

so many things on my mind. its a decision. one right after another. I'm trying to remake my life with one foot in the past. immovable in the cement of memories. hope lays heavy on my mind, while self centered anger crashes hard against it. I'm not sure if the decisions i have made to keep you in my life will hurt me more in the end. will i respect myself for forgiving you? for giving you hope of a future? to hold onto you, even if its at a distance. I'm not really sure what the answers are. i don't think ill ever know for sure. all i can do is wait and see what will happen. i have to ask myself questions. will i love you again? is this what i want? are you supposed to be my forever? is that what i want with you? is that all there is? or ever be? its harsh and cruel. so far removed from the person i have ever been. do i love you? i think i fell out of love so long ago. i wasn't happy. i was hurting and becoming a mere shadow of myself. though dark and with much contrast. is that fixable? will you change? can we change to be the person people need us to be? will it be worth all the effort? or in the end will it leave us resentful for all the work we put in just to never make it to the starting line. I'm not sure I'm an option. i don't know if i will be. I'm never one to make a decision with knowing the consequences. but i have with you.i hope you work on yourself and get better. deal with things better, less anger more understanding. thats all i ever wanted but I'm not sure ill want it again. and i hate that for you. please don't do it for me. i don't want to string you along and ruin all of the work. i don't want to be that person.

at one point, it was all i dreamed of. a future. i pictured it often. kids. home. you in bed with me every night and morning. seeing you off to work. sitting at the dining table, studying while you put the kids down for bed. reading bedtime stories and your daughter on my lap as we watch television. these simple moments of pure bliss and happiness. eyes shining with love. soft kisses before running out the door. these are moments i never shared with you, verbally or tangibly. i kept them in my mind. i didnt share a lot of what i was thinking and feeling. i knew it wouldn't help or maybe thought it would help more to stay quiet. in hopes that there would be a slight change in the dance we shared. these are the disappointments i have.

there is still anger in my heart. a broken heart. that will forever be marred by the mistakes you made. maybe i should have left sooner. i really don't know where i am at anymore.

kryptonite is what you called us. for me. for you. its so easy to fall back to where we were but the girl inside me shakes her head every time i get too close. she reminds me of the pain and the plans i have for my future. i will take this time to better myself. to pick up the pieces i let drift away when i moved back home. i need to do this. i am worth that time and effort. i deserve to be happy and free. freedom. what an odd sensation to feel. but i guess that is what happens when you lock up pieces of yourself to make someone else happy. you deal with so much that you panic when the slightest thing goes wrong. never again will i lose myself in a relationship. it will never be like that again.

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9/5/19 1:45pm

Your words:

“gone”

“do love you and i wanted a life with you but you didn’t want it and told me so multiple times. i am sorry this ever happened this way because you are everything i wanted but couldn't have. i am sorry and you won't have to worry about me or running into me or etc.”

“i love you and nothing can take place. not having you has me lost. you are the only one i cared about besides my kids”

“no tessa”

“i love you. i miss you. i need you. i can't stop thinking about you. i don't want you to walk away. i want you to stay with me. please.”

“tessa. please talk to me. i love you. i miss you. and ........ without you. please talk to me. please call me. something. please.”

“tessa text me back please”

“I'm drowning without you”

“i love you”

“i need you”

“tessa please”

“i don't know if you getting my message and voicemails”

“hey. um its me. i know you probably don't want to hear my voice........but i just want you to know that you the only one that i love. the only one that i care about. the only one i wanted to marry me. no body can ever leave you or take your place. i just want you to know that. i know that what i did was fucked up. i wish i could take it back and start everything all over. i lost my friend, my love, my everything.”

to be continued

#youkilledusonaugust26th

9/2/19 11:14pm

When did I lose my confidence?

Somewhere between meeting you and leaving you.

It slowly dissipated from my very being

That I’m not sure how’ll I’ll find all the pieces

Was it you? Was it me with you? Was it me?

Was it something outside of us?

Were my insecurities chipping away at what little dignity I had in myself?

You liked so much of what I hated.

You didn’t understand why I felt the way I did

You didn’t understand anything I felt

And now I don’t know how to feel

I just wish I had some love left for myself in all this mess you left me.

8/31/19 11:09pm

I hope you’re doing okay. I wonder what you are doing right now. Are you sad and full of regret? Are you with her? Are you numb to it all? Am I ever going to be on your mind? Or am I already a memory? So many questions with no answer to follow. I wish I could ask you. I wish we still had some inkling of communication left in us. But I have to stop. It’s only hurting me more and more. Leaving me aching and raw with anxiety. I shouldn’t be doing this to myself. I bet you aren’t.

3/13/19 12:59am

Dear Tessa,

It gets better I promise. Not easier but better. Please don’t lose hope in all the heartache you carry. Give things time and a chance. You may get hurt in the end but atleast you tried. Feel. Be open. I promise it’ll be okay. Maybe not all the time. But in the long run, you will be okay.

With much love,

Tessa

Ps. Things are good right now. You’re happy with Paul. You love him and he loves you too. You still question his end of it but that’s because you still can’t believe that someone can love you. It hasn’t been an easy ride. We have had our bumps and bends, but you’re growing and learning to take things in stride. You’re fighting. You’re strong. And you’re happy. Enough to make you cry when you think about it. It’s almost unreal. You can’t believe that somehow you ended up here with him. Possibilities of a future in the midst.

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3/26/18 12:22am

I’m ripped open again. A bag of insecurity and doubt bleed from the scars you gave me. I question everything I say and every move I make. I’m filed with questions that I’ll never get the answer to. I’m hoping this is temporary. But I don’t know. Maybe we will begin to regulate and everything will normal out. But for now I’m scared and sad that it will all repeat. Perhaps I was better without the closure. Without having you exist in my life again. I never go backwards but this time I did. I hope this doesn’t end me or drag me back. I need to keep goin forward. But these questions need an answer and you’re the only one with the answers. To be left in a life of mystery and second guessing or one where my scars will be double fold. Pros and cons. I cried for the first time today in months. The sadness is climbing back out from the box I put it in. I thought I was fine but the hurt still lingers in the memories. No regret. Just sadness. A feeling of loss and hurt. That dagger you left in my stomach has loose stitches, barely holding back the waves. I’ll pick at the end until I tumble out of myself and pour to the floor. A sticky mess of the darkness inside me. Every fear slick on the pavement. Just for you to walk right through out. Leaving a trail of a massacred me as you walk right back out the door you slammed in my face back in July. It was our home but now it’s just dust. A forgotten place abandoned for good. Burned to the ground the day you had her.

1/4/18 12:50am

even with all the wrong that has been happening, i am happy. i feel good. for the most part. but then again all this could be stemming from Home Again. my sense of optimism that everything will work itself out has been heightened. i don't know where i stand with a lot of things in my life but for once that is okay. yeah this is def the movie playing with my emotions. i don't know what Matt is, but thats okay. as long as i remind myself not to get too wrapped up it in. in him. in hope. thats where i always go wrong. i like to dive in so deep so quickly. it probably won't work out but I'm going to enjoy it, whatever it is, for now. I'm going to take one moment as it comes and take a leap of faith or lead with a blind wonder. this is the year for me. all for me. my year to do as i please without thinking of the consequences. I'm going to live in each moment and enjoy my days. i will take it all in stride, wobbly ones at that. I'm clumsy with my heart and my feet. just ask my ripped jeans and bruised knees.

i feel good. a little lonely in this quiet house but sometimes you need a moment of silence to sit back, reflect, and enjoy some self care. i want to write more, paint more, and maybe even dabble back into photography. maybe. we will have to see about that one.

i have this sense of energy and optimism - i hate that word, but i can't seem to find another word i like or that fits how i feel. emotions are a tricky thing of the head and of the heart. I'm ready to create. whether it be something tangible or perhaps within my head. I'm feeling good and 2018 can lick my ass. what can i say. I'm still tessa.

heres to this year and all the moments that may come. hard and easy. this is it.

with all the love in the world,

-tessa

12/30/17 7:33

I still believe in fairytales.

10/19/17 9:45pm

Typewriters don’t use electricity.

#crown salted caramel #sowhatwegetdrunk #Vanessa blew my mind.

help-n-quotes

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.

Unknown (via help-n-quotes)

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9/26/17 9:47

“like a 7 on a really good day” - erin

#penis

9/22/17 9:49pm

is it loneliness or the thought of something new, that draws me into you. are you the building block out of my darkness? or simply a loose stone beneath my feet. i haven't quite figured out what you want out of me. but there is always something. to fix your pain, fill your bed. to simply take up space in the vids of your life. what is it this time?

9/13/17 12:05am

i knew i wasn't ready. i knew it, but i still let myself slightly fall for someone new. and now I'm left feeling insecure and questioning his affection for me. like is he bored already? is he just tryna hit? I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be open with my feeling. i can't be putting myself out there yet. its still too fucking early. not even a two whole months. i need to chill. but i get so wrapped up in the moment where he is around and i forget all this shit. it isn't until I'm alone that my brain starts to function again. like i know this isn't going to turn into anything. I'm not feeling it, you know. I'm not sure i even able to feel it. I'm just not ready. and i don't know what to do. maybe i just need to get my head out of it and do whatever happens. go with the flow and all, but am i really capable of doing that? hell no. i like to overthink everything. which is why I'm typing this shit. fuck me.

9/7/7

I'm drench in fear that I'll ruin everything. I don't think I'm ready, but I want to be. I can't force myself to be better though. I just have to try. But I'm just not ready. I want to wallow. But why? This isn't how I should be. No one should be complacent.

I'm falling again. I'm watching myself sink into myself. Trying to find a high or something to numb me. I can't do anything but watch.

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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5/12/17

im in love with the image of a man that no longer exists

I've hated my body since the day I knew I had one.

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