It's Pronounced Pea Stabs

I still live with my ex husband. I wrote about this in another post on here about how many people are because of how the cost of housing in Canada is completely unaffordable. I make almost 6 digits a year and to think that I can barely afford to live on my own scares me.

Despite being terrified of moving, my friend Scott gave me some very hard truths over the holidays. He said that any person who is worthy of me will not look at me as long as I'm living with my ex. It's not about having a roommate. It's about the fact that I loved that person enough to marry them. It isn't about how the relationship ended or what happened during it. It's not about his cheating, his lying, his stealing, his emotional abuse and manipulation. It's about me still living under the same roof as him.

So I need to move.

I have a place figured out in a city that is a bit closer to my family. If my work decides to cancel work from home, I'll have to find a different job. The rent is more than twice what I'm paying now. I will be struggling to pay for things. There will be no extras. And that is terrifying.

During my life, I've paid of three sets of student loans (mine x 2 and his). I'm familiar with living while in debt. I'm in debt now with a credit card and a line of credit. It's manageable. But I will incur more debt when I move.

Wait, how did this post become about moving and money?

It's supposed to be about how I'll be utterly alone after I move.

Right now, there's noise coming from the other room. There's someone there. Even if most of the time we argue and that my bitterness, resentment and anger exists constantly, there is someone there.

When I move, there will be no one.

I took today off of Twitch and Discord. I am trying to acclimate myself to being alone. When I move, I will literally have no person at all to talk to in the flesh about anything. No one at all.

The silence is already deafening and I'm not even there yet.

I'll be alone and broke.

Has anyone read the book "Fifth Business" by Robertson Davies? It was a book I had to read in grade 12 english class. It's one a own and have read many times.

I'm thinking about it tonight, probably going to pick it up to read it again very soon.

Someone posted in a Discord that I am in about how they are thinking about how their life would be different if they had made different choices. They also wondered if this was it for their life.

It made me remember this book.

We know that we shouldn't "what if" our past choices because without those choices we wouldn't be who we are today. Which is good if you don't hate yourself. If you hate yourself then it makes sense that you would have regrets. I tell my nieces (and have also told my chat), we are the sum of our experiences, both good and bad.

Not everyone in life can be a main character. Not everyone has a big purpose in this world. Some of us are here to help others progress. We are the Fifth Business. I know for me, I am the Fifth Business. I'm okay with it. I just want to be loved along the way :)

What is Fifth Business? "Fifth Business is a term for a supporting player in a stage show whose role can’t be easily classified, but nonetheless plays a vital role in resolving the plot."

You know that adage that says you shouldn't expect people to like you all of the time since you don't like people all of the time yourself? This thought makes sense but it doesn't prevent me from asking myself if I'm just a shitty person underneath it all.

What if the people who hate me are right about me and I just have others fooled?

I have two close friends who are surrounded by people who strongly dislike me. Some of whom have "bullied" me and some who just are pieces of shit when it comes to me. It makes me super uncomfortable in their spaces but I'm not about to do something like make them choose or anything. However, their spaces don't really feel safe for me IMO and trigger all sorts of flight responses.

Note: I put bullied in quotes because being mean and talking shit on someone behind their back was just a part of growing up when I was younger. It's also been a part of every single work and social environment I've been in even in adulthood. It's hard to view it as bullying in my mind but my nieces consider it such. So my Gen X ass probably just doesn't know what is what anymore.

Anyway, maybe the ppl who hate me have a point. Maybe I am all of the things they've said about me. Maybe they are right and I am wrong. I mean if my close friends think they are good people, doesn't that make me the bad one?

I give money to charity. Does that make me a good person? No. I love my friends. Does that make me a good person? No.

I try to lead with kindness, empathy and compassion however, I'm also someone who gets deeply hurt when ppl I've let close to me turn on me. I block people. I mute people. I seethe over it in my brain. I let it get to me especially if I allowed that person to gain my trust before they turned on me. I figure that they probably saw how fucking disgusting I am underneath it all and decided to cut ties.

This just leads me to not want to trust anyone or let anyone close. I'm not sure how to do that though. Another thing I fail at I guess.

I'm watching this YouTube video by Anthony Padilla from about a week ago that features QTCinderella. I've known that she's a Twitch streamer and a fairly big one. I also know that she's dating Ludwig. I watch Ludwig on YouTube. I never really bothered to go to her channel because I have my faves. But now this interview has me regretting not watching her sooner.

The interview opens with her saying:

"I wasn't too popular in high school. I never felt like I fit in anywhere and even in this industry [content creation], I felt like 'man they look like they're having so much fun. I wish I got invited.' Or like 'I wish I could be a part of that'. And so I was like 'well if I'm not getting invited to stuff, why don't I just invite people'. I've always, always, always, my entire life, wanted to feel included and so if I can be that person that makes other people feel included, I'm going to do anything I can to be that person"

She mentions being raised Mormon and never being good enough. I was raised Evangelical Christian and the never being good enough thing exists there as well. I'm not sure if it's just coincidence or if it's a thing with religion in general. But man do I feel this from her.

And damn if she didn't get me crying when she teared up talking about how her mother accepted her as she was. I want this. I want people who accept me how I am. Most ppl just want me to change a bunch of things.

"Sometimes you don't notice that the music is on until it's off."

Even the reason she started streaming speaks to me.

I'm so pathetic right now and ugly crying that I tweeted at her. I'm stupid. I shouldn't have tweeted at someone that famous because now I'm that person but IDK she just described how I navigated 2022. It was literally 5 seconds at a time sometimes.

I don't want to raid in Destiny 2 without my friend Panda. He's been my ride or die destiny person since Nov 2018.

Now he can't raid on Thursday nights with me anymore because of his work schedule and I honestly do not want to raid without him.

As life for him progressed (new girlfriend, moves in with her, they'll get married and have a kid in the next year or so), our time to play together has been reduced to just the weekly raid night. And now that is gone too.

I'm sad today.

Yes I have other friends to play the game with. But I don't want to only play with them.

No I'm not trying to make this about me. I'm just stating how I feel. I can't believe that's something that we get shamed for. "Be happy for your friend."

I can be happy for my friend while mourning the loss of said friend at the same time.

I'm extremely proud of him. I'm happy he has a job now. He's smart and he'll do well in it. His life is falling into what he wanted for himself. I'm happy for that.

I'm am still sad that things are going to change.

I'm not sure I even want to do Twitch without him since he's been the number one person in my corner for so long. And him not being able to raid now takes away the one remaining stream of mine that he could show up for.

It doesn't take a PhD to see that Elmo is super insecure and struggles with some of the same issues we all do: a need for acceptance. His Twitter feed is all that you need to look at to make this determination. From begging Donald Trump to post on Twitter to literally lying about why he was boo'd on stage at Dave Chappelle's show, he consistently shows just how insecure he is.

Right now, he is bathing in the MAGA QANON approval but even that has its limits. He considers humans "biological compute"

Does anyone else hear their own voice shit talking them all day long? My brain says very not nice things to me all of the time.

The other part of my brain confirms it so it just sits there nattering on and on about how I'll be alone forever and how I'm not worth of being loved because I'm fat and old. I failed as a woman because I don't have kids. How I'm not good enough. Etc Etc Etc.

Sometimes weed drowns it out or quiets it down. But that didn't work last night and now the thoughts are in there with their shitty nails clawing their way in deeper and deeper.

You live in Canada, not the United States

You have a Prime Minister, not a President

You live in a Province, not a State

You have a Premier, not a Governor

You have the Charter of Rights & Freedoms, not the Bill of Rights

You do not have a 2nd amendment which allows you to bear arms

You cannot plead the 5th

Donald J Trump has never been your president.

Thank you for attending my introduction to Canadian Civics course.

Do you ever wish you could walk away from life like you do a job. Just send a nicely worded email about how you enjoyed your time but it's time to move on for other opportunities? I'm not talking about the S word or anything. I'm talking about just saying Fuck it and then just checking out.

You can't care about things if you're checked out

You can't be hurt if you're checked out

I wish I was loved like this.

A news article and a thread 🧵

This is something I don't talk about outside of my friend-circle, but I'm one of these ppl still living with their ex. Except I'm in the Toronto area.

The reason: Housing costs

I ended my 10+ year marriage in 2019. At the time, my father was at his end of life after years of suffering from prostate cancer. I had no intention of moving out with that happening.

I wanted to deal with one thing at a time. Dad first, moving out second.

2020 brought COVID lockdowns as I had started looking at places to live. So again, one thing at a time. I stayed.

Even then, housing costs were unsettling and I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to afford to move out. I would have to take a significant amount of debt with me

Marital debt is scary when one person is a big spender but in order to leave without super expensive lawyers, I'd need to take half of the debt with me. That's an $800 a month payment.

The pandemic has pushed us to the brink of a recession. Costs of everything are up

Costs are up but my standard of living increase at work resulted in a 3% raise over 2 years. The take home on that doesn't even cover the increased cost in groceries for a month.

Thank glob for rent control in Ontario. I wouldn't be able to afford the place I currently live in!

But should I be so happy?

My half of rent is currently $950 a month. The average rent for a 2 bedroom in my area is $2425 a month. So I'm below average due to rent control.

This is fabulous, except if you need to move.

Let's downsize then.

Studio apartments average $1700 a month. So that would increase my rent by $750 a month.

A studio apartment is _one_ room that serves as your bedroom, living room and kitchen. There will be a small bathroom (no tub) included in that.

We gotta do what we gotta do, right?

That's not affordable so I widened my search. When I look at everything within a 2 hour driving radius of my work the average goes down to $1600 a month.

But don't you work from home? I do. However, my place of employment is trying everything in its power to get us to come back

My place of employment and it's distrust of their employees is another thread for another day but basically, I'm tied to the area that my work is in. I decided that I could probably handle a 2 hour drive one way to work if I absolutely needed to.

Queue the commuting bills!

Oh and I'm one of those Canadians with an okay paying job (I'm $30k below market average right now but I can't afford to switch jobs at the moment either...again another thread for another time).

I'm one of those people who can't buy into the housing market.

I don't qualify for first time homeowner help and I'm too old for any government help either. Seriously there is an under 40 clause.

Not having a home to own means I don't have an asset to sell for an influx of cash to get out of this.

Life isn't easy living with my ex. Daily reminders of the failure of the marriage. Fights, resentment.

My mental health has taken a HUGE hit.

I feel like a shadow of the person I used to be.

I feel trapped.

No. I am trapped.

If you've read this far, thank you.

I'm not trying to play victim here at all. I don't want ppl to feel bad for me.

I chose to marry the wrong person. I tried to make it work but failed. This is my bed, I will lay in it.

I need to move out. But I can't afford to.

Housing costs in Ontario are out of control.