post ninety-six

Now I’m left with questions such as, who was I when someone loved me? Who am I when I am to be loved? Who am I when I’m alone, and who am I when I’ve been taking drugs. 

I can ride highs and lows and the two flow into one another, whether I’m sober or not. If I make the choice to take drugs while I’m in a low, it only pushes me further down, and when I’m riding high I feel as if I’m disconnected from the world and the normal stresses wash away from me. 

There are some absolutes that I have to realize that I can only present in theory but hold no weight unless they are met with action. With so many pretty words being thrown around, it all makes more sense if it’s spoken from our hips. One of these absolutes is that there is no way I can destroy the person people perceive me to be. I can not fix or alter their perceptions. All I can do is speak with my actions going forward and for this to mean anything I would need to let go of the past and the feelings that are attached to the person that I want to let go. To admit this isn’t done with a feeling of regret because there is very little that I do regret, but there is much more that I’ve learned from past situations. 

I do regret acting out of emotion before acting out of logic. I regret becoming unhealthily attached from someone and coercing them to spend more time with me because I was unable to let go. I believe I haven’t done anything that I can’t come back from. I’ve disrespected my relationships by allowing my wandering gaze find people outside of the relationship and only one time had I allowed my hand to find a new place to rest but nothing more than rest. Regardless with my transgressions I am left with the trauma of my own actions and now I’m posed with the question of how to approach it in a healthy way. 

This can become difficult when I have no one to open up to that would understand. I am not looking to be absolved, but to only understand. There’s frustration buried under years of repression and I feel like I’ve found a dozen different ways to ask the same question and with each answer I reject, I push myself further away from making a connection with logic because I allow emotion to take precedent. 

I feel sick in my body and soul and mind. I feel clouded and indecisive. Over the last few years I’ve ascribed to the notion that I am afraid of everything and this fuels my anxiety with the world around me and effects how I interact with the people around me. This is the worst of me speaking and I need to address this, and find the cracks within myself and move on from this in order to feel healthy in the future. Over the last few months I’ve been at my worst and I have just recently found the hope for enlightenment in order to enjoy a fruitful future; but regardless there are habits and tendencies that I have to address within my self that hinder my progress to reach that. 

I have to build myself, from the ground up and nothing will help me do that. No matter how much I read, learn, employ, for me to do it in a manner that is not done from a place a security then everything would be a façade. 

There’s no way for me to live in my memories of happiness of when I once felt love, and there’s no way for me to experience those moments that someone felt in love with me. I must simply let go and move forward. 

This is my most realistic realization of myself that I believe will benefit me in more ways than I can list. 

It’s just so hard when all I want to do is turn off the lights and bow my head in shame and walk away while the curtain falls. Applause or not, the show would be over and I would be able to drop the act.