Water into Wine

I have felt for a while now that I’m sinking.  There is too much going on in my life.  I can’t seem to make ends meet, I haven’t been on time with a bill in months, and I have no idea where gas for my car is going to come from. Add to that the stress of ministry, friendships, work and just life. It keeps piling on. Every time I think I’ve got things figured out something else is put right on top.  I feel like I’m slipping and sliding down into where I’m not going to recover. Everyone has these encouraging words of wisdom and they all keep telling me “It’s going to get better.” Well when? When is it going to get better because right now my life sucks and it hurts and I’m just tired of being me. It’s not fair that I am the one who has to go through all of this. I am not Daniel, Ruth, David or Solomon. I am not strong enough!  I have cried and cried and cried. The inside of my car has seen more of my tears than my own mother.  I have asked God why is this happening. Where are you? I need you! I need you to save me. You have never once forgotten me or forsaken me so why now? Why do you choose now to be so silent? I am trying my hardest down here to be who you want me to be and things just keep getting harder.  I feel like He has just been giving me test after test and I am doing nothing but failing. And so these trials are my punishment for failing his test. I am being punished and should just shut up and deal.

So today I was driving home after work. I had just gotten done calculating out my paycheck for the next day and realized I was about $150 short to pay everything I needed to pay that day.  Instead of crying or being stressed as I was numb. If any of you have dealt with serious depression or stress know that when you hit the numb point you are now officially in the danger zone.  I was driving home, yelling at the cars in front of me, getting irritated that their slow driving was going to make me waste more precious gas, I was just tired and done. And then this stupid song by Royal Tailor came on my spotify. It’s poppy and catchy and I normally skip right over it. But this time I didn’t, because I wasn’t paying that much attention to it, but from the first word I heard God telling me to pay attention because every word was written for me.  I’m going to post the lyrics bellow so you can see what I mean:

I know you’re feeling weighted down It’s all on your shoulders I know the dreams in your head Don’t look any closer But I’m gonna make you stronger Hold on just a little bit longer ‘Cause I’ll be there When you feel like you’re going under I’m gonna be there for you yeah yeah [Chorus:] The sky could fall The ground could shake The stars burn out And seasons change The time will pass And beauty fade But all my love will remain All my love will remain [x2]

It was like he was reminding me that He’s there, just as he always has been. Just hang onto him just a little bit longer and everything will be fine. He loves me forever and always.  It’s okay if I feel like I’m drowning. It’s ok if my world collapses around me because through everything He remains. That is what matters.  “Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”. Isaiah 41:10 (NLT….as always)