maia

like ive just been thinking about shauna’s first attempt to go see lottie afterwards, cause there’s just something pulling her to her. she tries to sneak upstairs but misty catches her before she can even make it half way up the ladder. “what are you doing?” misty's voice is already accusatory. “i was just trying to see how she was doing,” shauna says defensively. “she’s fine,” misty dismisses her, it would be over her dead body that she'd allow shauna anywhere near lottie right now. that much is obvious.

luckily, shauna's second attempt is successful. days have past and by this point the swelling of lottie's face has gone down and the damage shauna left on her remains in mainly cuts and bruises. everyone is asleep, or trying to be, and misty is downstairs, shauna wonders if that means lottie is alone.

the wood boards creek under her feet. once. twice. making her cringe every time. she doesn't want to draw anyone's attentions to her, especially not misty's.

lottie isn't sleeping when shauna finally gets to her. she's just laying there on the cold floor in the moon-lit room staring at the ceiling. nights are lighter in the winter time. the white of the snow illuminates the night more than the green of the trees in summer. so shauna can really see it all. she wishes it was summer for yet another reason. because she can see the fear that instinctively flashes in lottie's eyes when she sits on the floor close enough that shauna's knee lightly brushes against lottie's side.

"you're awake," shauna whispers as her fingers twitch to reach out to touch lottie's face. she tries to hold them still in her lap, failing to keep her hands from shaking. she wants to say she's sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. it's dancing on her tongue but she can't bring herself to say it. it's pathetic. it's not enough. sorry isn't going to fix this. she'd look like a fool if she spoke those words.

"so are you," lottie's voice is raspy and weak and it tears through shauna in ways that remind her of jackie's death.

"i wanted to see you," she admits sheepishly.

"oh," lottie's response has no hint of emotion to it, shauna hates that she can't figure out how she feels. "why?"

lottie's gaze moves to shauna for the first time since she got here, and for a split second shauna wishes it hadn't. because when her deep brown eyes meet lottie's she can see that the whites of her eyes are blood red and it makes shauna sick with worry. but the seconds that follow are even worse. she can see the pain in those eyes, almost as much pain as she would see were she to find her reflection. it's not physical. it's worse than that. it's the kind of pain that will stay with her for a long time.

shauna, being too busy lost in lottie's eyes, forgets she is supposed to say something, so lottie speaks for her, "i underestimated your strength," it's a solid attempt to joke in the midst of all of this. it's not something shauna was expecting, but it's something shauna welcomed. a glimmer of light in the darkness she pulled them into. her darkness, now shared by the two of them. shauna's burden is lighter to carry now that she has shared it with the girl lying bruised and bloodied before her.

shauna's smile is weak, and lottie knows she regrets what she did. regrets just how far it went. she knows the girl is afraid and in so much pain. and lottie knows that shauna is sorry. she doesn't need her to say it.

her hand feels heavy, like she hasn't moved it in weeks. maybe she hasn't. but this time she does, and she does so to reach for shauna's shaking hands that rest in her lap. lottie's hands are hot and shauna's are freezing cold and they both gladly accept what the other has to give.

lottie uses her strength to give shauna's hand a squeeze, of reassurance, maybe, of mutual understand. it's okay. you'll be okay. we'll be okay.