On the Rockz

I met you during a phase where my life was just doing fine. No expectations. 

And we both said "hi" and "hello". We exchanged messages and pleasantries, a little laugh, and silly jokes. And there's something about you that strikes me. 

I was doing social media, looking at some good stuff and random things, but still you are running through my head. 

I guess it is what it is.

Then I became more curious about you. I tried to look for you everywhere else. Facebook. Instagram. Threads. But to no avail. 

So I just went on talking to you, didn't bother to ask any questions. I am content with the things you are telling me. I just believe in your pure and clean intentions. No suspicions at all.

And we decided to have that "coffee date". You ordered a black coffee without any sugar, I ordered my usual tea. 

Silence. It was a complete silence.

And then you started to share some stories, a cute and interesting one. We were laughing so hard and didn't mind the people around us who started to look uncomfortable with our presence.

Nonetheless, we share the same vibe. Same energy. 

Your gaze is something I could not forget. It screams pain and betrayal.

In everyday conversation, I would always ask you questions and will look for a deep answer. Most of the time, your answers are not what I expected. 

And so I started to get annoyed with you. I started to look for reasons not to have a conversation with you. I started to put walls so you won't have further access to my life, but every day I tried to do it, you will be there in places that I don't expect you to be.

I can also feel your annoyance towards me. Maybe I am too much to bear. Maybe I am too much to handle. And maybe you see me as a rival. You were not happy about it.

And so, I tried to disassociate myself from you. I cut you off in my life.

I opened an incognito account. Not bothered by your existence. 

And I met someone online, and it made me preoccupied. We constantly send emails. Phone calls were not an option. I just wanted to stay low-key and keep that peace. Then again, we share the same vibes and energy. Then I decided to meet him at that same coffee shop I used to visit.

I ordered my usual and waited for that person to come.

15 minutes have passed. 30 minutes. An hour. 

I decided not to bother anymore. I just accepted that someone had ghosted me. And maybe I am really too much to handle. 

I was about to go out when the coffee staff approached me and handed me a letter.

"I left already. How cruel are you to visit the same place with a stranger?"

I tried to look for you, but you were gone. 

I was about to leave the coffee shop when I felt dizzy. My eyes are in a daze. I can’t think straight. I can hear the noises around me but was too helpless to move and even talk.

_

I woke up in a familiar place.

It was in the coffee shop. 

And I saw you sitting in same place we used to hang out.

Staring at the window, looking outside. 

And I saw my usual order.

And a note.

"I am sorry. We will definitely see each other soon."

And a coffee staff member handed you a letter.

Lord, please give me a sign that what I am doing right now is right. Make me understand that I need to trust You and trust the process.

But I am not sure if I can trust you fully.

I am scared that being too close might lead to disappointment.

You are a nice person.

It’s a breathe of fresh air to talk to someone.

I guess it’s been a while since I talked to someone with different perspective. It’s been a while since I have that kind of conversation, light and easy to digest.

You might be the same person as anybody else but I don’t want to judge you.

You help me survive those days when I wanted to cry and give up. Thank you for just existing. Thank you for being present and allowing me to have a hearty laugh, for letting me be myself.

Sign up a new Thread Account.

It seems okay, harmless and friendly people.

But.

It’s getting overwhelming. The community is too loud for me.

It triggers my anxiety and mixed of emotions.

Overthinking, panic and fear.

It was a good run, though. There are questions left unanswered.

I need to step back so I can move forward. I am still having second thoughts on deleting those messages because I want to keep the good memories even though some of it are just for your show. I will understand even if it’s hard because I know that somewhere along the way, it will come back to you a hundred folds- the pain, betrayal, agony and sleepless nights.

I know it will get better.

And if one day, our paths will cross. I hope I am well enough to say hi, to have that genuine smile.

I’ve been here for almost two years now. If you’ll ask me if there’s some growth and changes I’ve seen so far, I can say that there is none. In some cases, it’s getting worse.

I heard every gossip, rant, rave, complaint, and anything you can think of. Sometimes, I comment; sometimes, I choose to shut my mouth. Stressing out with things beyond my pay grade and my control will not do me any good. I am choosing my battles wisely, not because I don’t care at all, but sometimes it is not really worth arguing at all.

I hardly talk unless it’s about work. They can’t feel my presence because I don’t intend to. I want my principles and integrity unscathed. And so, I can’t adopt their culture.

And I will always be proud of where I came from. It’s not even perfect, but they do have a clear system. I hope one day I won’t feel that coming here is a struggle and burden, that I don’t need to keep my mouth shut all the time.

I will never get tired looking at your pretty face.

Sa daang “alis na ko” na pamamaalam kalakip ang tanong na babalik ka pa ba? Eto na ba yung huling pag uusap natin.

Sa bawal “alis na ko” nandun yung takot na sa pag balik ko hindi na ako, sa bawat pamamaalam laging nandun ang takot na baka huli na ito.

At sa bawat pag balik mo papunta sakin dun ko nararamdaman na “ah ako pa rin talaga” saka ko lang nararamdaman yung gaan na kasama ka.

Aalis tayo pero babalik pa rin sa isa’t isa.

Snap.

Reality.

It’s just an emotional roller coaster ride waiting to end. Drawn into the world where I am left hanging by a thread.

Unsure of everything.

Lost if confidence.

Day dreaming.

Sometimes, those cold messages will just hit you so hard, no matter how hard I try to make it sound casual. When will I ever be enough? When will I find the peace I am longing for? When will I feel loved and truly matter to someone? I just feel so tired doing everything just to be more than enough and yet some people would not see my value.

Lord, these are the moments I wanted to give up on, and staying strong is no longer an option. Since I was a child, I have been in a survival mode. I hope I can still carry on. I pray that one day I will live in peace, I wanted to stay away and not associate with people who always test my capacity as a person, as an employee and just a human being trying to live a good life. May I find a work that values my existence, that trusts me, and believes in me. May I find a person who will always be proud of me, who will treat me as family, and who will never let me feel I am alone no matter what the circumstances, the distance, or the situation. May I find love that truly cares.

Silence engulfs as I turn off the lights. Words are not necessary. Hearing your breath is a luxury. While everyone is asleep, I am right beside appreciating the beauty of your existence.

In between heaven and earth-

You are mine.

And I will be forever yours.