Poetically Profane

There are so many small deaths in life.

Occasions where your body trudges on,

While your soul remains there in the mud,

And in those moments you become

Something, someone, somewhere .

There was an occasion, once,

Where I dipped my heart in gold,

Wrapped it, in finest silk,

And placed in a chest, for you.

It died there,

Dried out, forgotten, old.

And so, perhaps, did I.

The fires that consumed me

Remained inside,

My body, my tomb, my prison.

You are the final resting place

For every good thing

That ever could have bloomed in me.

I would name you winter

For your arrival drove my soul to wilt,

But it did not bloom again in spring.

The fields were barren in summer.

By fall we all starved to death,

And when winter returned

There was no evidence at all

That we were ever there.

There are so many small deaths in life.

Occasions where I love you means distant fondness,

And I'm done means you have stolen everything that I had left to offer,

And in those moments you become

Rotten, bitter, evil,

I have a secret

And everyone should know it

I wear it

Like a badge of honor

You can see it in my slumped shoulder and dead eyes

I've joked about it for so long I've lost the plot

I've got a secret

I tear

I rip

I claw

I bleed

And bleed

And bleed

I've got a secret

I talk to God about it whenever I talk to God

I've yelled it

I've screamed it

I've encoded it in my skin

And it's still a secret

I break

I tear

I shred

I bleed

And bleed

And bleed

I've got a secret

It's dripping down my arms and legs

It's scarred on my arms and legs and teeth and tongue

I have quite literally tried my best to tell everyone

And they laugh

And laugh

And laugh

But I don't because I haven't told a joke

I've got a secret

And everyone knows

And when they chisel it into my gravestone

Maybe then

Maybe then

Maybe then

I am wrong

I know it to the very depths of me

My skeleton doesn't settle correctly

My mind is barbed wire and pain

How could I know peace

I have never once selected violence

I sat at a table with a menu

And all that they would serve was pain

I bristle and break

Do you hear me?

I've cried for so long

I've screamed so loudly

No one sees

No one knows

No one

Solutidue has been my only friend

The void beckons

I stare

I will not break under torture, no

It is the quiet that does it

Those moments in the mirror

When it's me

And me

And me

And I have to face it again

The wrongness

The disquiet

I have never once tried to be this way

I have always been

And will always be

I know it to the depths of me

Peel back my layers

And you will find me

Misshapen and ugly

Crying

Screaming

A rage so great the Lord no longer wants me

I never wanted to be this way

My mind is a vast emptieness

Here lies the library of Alexandria

An empty ruin

That may have once held the secrets of eternity

Dust on the wind

Smelling of hubris and shame

{ Decrepit and foul, I continue}

There is solace in forgetting

In keeping nothing but the now

But I have a secret

Disgusting and true

Beneath the bones and decay

I have hoarded every taste

Every smell

Every whisper

You were the glue that held my world together

I crumble

Through Sunday school and tennis lessons

The fastest gun in the west couldn't catch you slipping

You were safety and surety

Hand to my heart

I never had to fear the darkness in your home

The Lord had a special hand on you

And you loved us

With a care that I could only attribute to Jesus

Lions and tigers and bears couldn't take you down

I've never met a happier person

Joy abounded in the might of your kindness

I could never quite live up to that legacy

Afraid you'd see the bitterness in me

But you loved me still

You bid time to stand still with your songs

You dropped it you dropped it

I can feel the warmth but my memory paints it wrong

My brain doesn't have a paintbrush worthy of you

The earth would never be worth of you

You were everything that was promised to us

A steadfast soul and gentle heart

Mine is torn apart

I'm lost in this life I have to live without you

I'm just the refrains of a memory

My hat has three corners

You didn't even remember me

But I mourn with the force of a thousand men

Trudging through a life that doesn't end

85 years was much too soon

A thousand years would still have been much too soon

Grampa I love you for everything you were

And everything you are

Everything you were

Will live on inside me

And I pray when I see you again

That you'll remember me

And you'll sing me a silly song

And we'll wear paper hats and just be

Like we always were

I have loved you for longer than you've touched me

But my skin still remembers you

It sings your name at midnight, sadly

An addict suffering through a 10 year withdrawal

I've shed so many skin cells you've probably never touched an inch of me

I'm fury folded in on itself- a collapsing star. I'll take the galaxy with me. Press a pistol to the moon's temple and change the tides. Rip reality to pieces until the sky falls. Fly too close to the sun and just fucking explode.

(I'm vindictive and in pain, my misery refuses to be alone.)

I'm fit to burst. I'm fixed to fly on flimsy wings. Flipped to blow up every spot and ruin everything.

My soul is filthy/It is rot and decay/The bounty of the grave

I remember once/When I was a person/When I could still smile in the mirror/And lie

Then I cut out my tongue/And scooped out my eyes/And laid down and slept/For one last time

Time stretched on forever/As I waited for something to change/But time does not care about my suffering/And no offering will free me of my pain

I am laid bare/Naked before you/I decay/Wishing that you'd never looked back/After you'd walked away.

You broke me in too many ways/I cannot bear to count/I am forever changed by you/Within me and without.

But I already buried the girl you know/Beneath concrete and dirt/Please leave me in my resting place/ I cannot withstand that hurt.