got it good; what do i need with love?

     i might like [ keeping ] what happened to me

I’ll never stop trying. God, it sounded like something out of a movie. These kind of moments weren’t supposed to happen in real life. In real life, he should be angry at her, not kind and understanding to a point where she wanted to scream. To tell him that he was wrong for trying so hard, that she wasn’t worth all this effort he was putting in. She didn’t need him. She told herself that every single day in the hope that one day it might come true. Yet, it never did. Every day, she woke up reaching out to the empty space on the other side of the bad because she still hadn’t gotten used to sleeping alone again. 

He took another step and the distance between them shortened. It was almost like they were being pulled together like magnets. “It’s not-.” She swallowed thickly, shoving her now trembling hands into the pockets of her hoodie that she never seemed to take off. “It’s not realistic.” Another pause. “You’ll get tired of it.” Unless Jamie miraculously came home, she didn’t ever see herself being who he had fallen in love with. Maybe he was optimistic but she was pessimist in their relationship. She’d call it being the realist. Eventually he’d get sick of the nightmares that plagued her more then before. Of the days where she felt like she couldn’t move because he body was just too heavy. It was better to cut him out now before he tried and evidently, failed.

“What’s not realistic?” He questioned, cocking a brow, desperate to understand where she was coming from. All of this time, he thought they could have avoided this whole mess if there had been more communication. If she had told him she just needed time. If she could have said something, anything. But grief was a tricky thing, hard to navigate for the ones you loved but even more so for the one in the thick of it. He let out a soft breath and added, “I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibilities for someone who loves another human to want to be there for them through whatever, in any capacity. I have so-” He shook his head, biting the inside of his lip before continuing. “I have so much love for you and for Jamie.” He almost immediately regretted speaking his name in front of her, but they couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room forever. “Which is why I’ll never stop trying to be there for you while you go through this, and why I’ll never stop looking for him. I don’t care how long it takes for either of those things to come to fruition.”

Jamie shook his head, taking another daring step closer to her. He still resisted the urge to hold her, but the impulse was only getting stronger with each passing moment. “I’ll never get tired of it; I’ll never get tired of you.” The man insisted, almost pleading with her to believe him. He wasn’t the sort of person to let himself get attached, but he was stuck to her like glue. “I just want to be here for you, Vi. Through anything, you have me. You always have--and whether or not you’d like to admit it--you always will.” He explained, finally letting himself wrap his arms around her and pull her close to him. “I missed you so much.”

Violet had kept every single one of his letters, even if she couldn’t bring herself to read all of them. They didn’t need to be signed for her to know who they came from. The curve of his script was almost as familiar as her own. Sometimes, she could see him in her mind, writing those letters. That little crease he got in his forehead when he wrote, the one that made him look so utterly adorable in her eyes. Maybe one day she’d read them all. Read every single word that dripped with emotion and care and things she wouldn’t even dare name. Until then, they’d stay in a box, tucked away under her bed.

Oh she had missed that voice. That voice that could both lull her into sleep and make her want to stay awake just so she could hear more of it. That had once made her feel warm and safe. Times had been so simple back then. His presence alone had once relaxed her, had once given her a sense of peace that was so foreign to her. Now, it offered something messier, something unclear and harder to feel. 

“I thought you’d stop trying.” Yet, he hadn’t. Six months he had endured of her self-imposed exile and somehow he was still here, standing in a home that no longer felt like home. And oh god had she missed him. She had missed him all that was left of her. With the parts of her that Jamie had left behind. The words were stuck in her throat though, like they were refusing to be said. Even now, she could hear her mother’s voice in her head going on and on about weakness and how that’s all missing him was, a weakness. She just stood there, staring at the man that made her feel more then anyone else ever had, unable to say the words that were the most true.

While he knew he’d never be able to fully understand what Violet was going through and the pain she was feeling, he wanted to try. Jamie so desperately wanted to be there for her, even going so far as stopping to write and take a regular job so he could devote more time to her and taking care of her. Violet was as strong-willed and self-reliant as they came, but he knew that in this moment, she needed support. All of his efforts were currently for nothing, but that didn’t mean he’d ever stop trying. He needed her now more than ever, and he knew deep down that she needed him, too.

His fingers drummed against the side of his thighs, nervously fidgeting as he stood only a few feet away from her. There were so many thoughts and words swirling around in his head, so many things he wanted to say to her but couldn’t. Now was the perfect opportunity for him to say something--anything--but he just came up empty. The space between them was so minimal he could erase it entirely with one quick embrace, but he didn’t dare move from his spot, not wanting her to blow up at the contact or worse- kick him out again.

“I’ll never stop trying.” He said finally, catching her eyes with his, holding the contact only for a moment before he began peering around her walls again. It was too painful to look into her soul, to see past the broken parts and envelop himself in what they used to be. Jamie knew the woman he fell in love with was still in there, and he was hopeful she could scratch the surface again. “I understand why you’re pushing me away, Vi, and I’m not angry at you. I could never be angry with you. I understand why you haven’t returned my calls.” He clarified, clearing his throat and taking a small step towards her. The distance between them killed him as much as their six months apart had, if not more- because now she was close enough to touch, to hold, and to care for but he knew it wasn’t appropriate to do so. “I just want to be here for you; it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Through whatever you’re feeling, I want to support you.”

Violet didn’t move. She just stood there, frozen by the door. It had been six months since she had allowed him inside. Inside her home. Inside her life. Now she wondered why she had even done so. It was a bad idea, she was certain. Yet, she had done it anyway. She done it because ignoring him when it was just calls or texts was easy. Doing so when he was right there after six months of doing so? Apparently, impossible. It infuriated her, how quickly she had caved after so long of pushing and pushing and pushing.

The knock at the door made her startle, snapping her back into the real world. He was so close now. She could almost see him on the other side. Hair most likely tousled and those beautiful blue eyes of his filled with worry she’d never understand the reasoning behind. She’d been so confused in the beginning. When things had begun to shift to more then just friends with benefits. She was used to people sticking around because of her money, or her status. He had seen more than that. It was unusual. Even now, after so long of pushing him away, here he was. You’d think that he would have given up by now, but he hadn’t. It felt like a movie almost. Movies were the only places things like this happened.

Slowly, she closed her hand around the handle and opened the door. Her eyes were stuck to the ground. She couldn’t look at him, not yet. Instead, she shoved her hands in the pockets of her baggy jeans and moved away. What could she say to him? Her mind was blank. Blank of everything except for the knowledge that he was sanding in her doorway for the first time since she had shut the door on him.

For two people who got paid to write and sing, they were certainly exceptional at silence. Violet more so than Jamie. She could easily ignore him, delete his text messages and decline his calls; but for him, it wasn’t that simple. After realizing his attempts at modern-day communication were fruitless, he got back to his roots and became a pen and ink man again. He’d write dozens of entries about her in his journal, penning and scribbling countless poems she’d never see about his complicated feelings towards her. Often, though, he’d end up getting a bit tipsy and mailing her these thoughts the old fashioned way. Even going as far as leaving them in her mailbox himself or attaching them to flowers he’d have delivered. Jamie never signed the letters or words, but they both knew each other well enough to know they were from him.

Swallowing hard, his eyes scanned her over, taking stock of what had changed since he had seen her last and focusing on what had stayed the same. She was still as warm and lovable looking as ever, even if the world hadn’t been kind to her and she was nearly hunched over in the doorway. She had resilience he hadn’t known from many others, and that self-reliance was prominent even now. As she let him inside, he nodded wordlessly and slipped past her, closing the door behind himself and taking a few cautious steps inside her condo.

He had been in her place countless time, spending days--or weeks--together with her son since they had first met. Her son, Jamie, had a special place in his heart as well. He had become something of a son to him, which was a feat all in its own because he had sworn off kids long ago. But now the once homely features of her New York penthouse felt foreign to him, like he was a stranger entering someone’s space for the first time. It was no longer inviting and open, but closed off and cold. A shiver ran down his spine, deja vu creeping up as he landed in the living room and finally turned back to look at her. Words failed him in that moment, a few soft stutters falling off his tongue before he composed himself. “I missed you.” Was all he managed.

Violet grew up not knowing what a happy family was, wondering if she’d ever have on of her own. Jamie had made her believe in them from the moment he looked her. Every laugher mother and son shared, every story he begged her to tell and every drawing of his she stuck on the fridge. For so long, she had it firmly set that it was just the two of them. That no one would ever be able to enter their little bubble. Yet before she knew it, Jay had. Before she knew it, Jay was helping Jamie clean up the dishes while giving him bad dating advice. He was standing on the sideline with her son at her acoustic show eight months ago. Before she knew it, Jay was apart of their little family.

A family that was now splintered.

Of course he didn’t believe her. He knew her better than almost anyone. Not every part of her of course, but more than almost anyone else got to see. And she knew him. She knew him so well that it was impossible not to hear the emotion in his voice, to stop it from cutting through her heart like a blade. Turning him away felt like moving a mountain. Hands trembling, she pressed the buzzer again. “I’ll buzz you up.” Four words. Four simple words yet they had taken everything she had to let herself say them. To give into the aching hole inside of her that the man had left. 

Her words were mostly emotionless, but still sharp and worst of all- cold. Four words. Was that all their relationship had come to? While the pleasantries were lost for now, Jamie was hopeful they could be found again. After all, no one stayed broken forever. Things got easier, wounds could heal, and they could find their way back together again. He thought so, anyway. He knew her emotions were valid, often putting himself in her shoes, knowing he would be just as broken and closed off if he were going through something so tragic. But even with all that considered, it still hurt. She was a big part of his life, filling many roles in his heart, and having all of that taken away and lost in an instant came as a shock to his system.

It wasn’t a surprise to anyone that Jamie wasn’t great by himself. He was reckless, leading with blind emotion and letting his heart make all the decisions more often than not. And while that had played a role in his success, sure, he had also been through Hell because of it. But one thing he was great at was caring for others, letting their needs prevail any blind wandering or carelessness. It was healthiest for him when he was surrounded by other people, finding his best work--and mental state--came from friendships or other relationships. When he let someone in, he cared immensely, finally letting himself being taken care of in return- instead of just giving himself away. Violet fit the bill perfectly, and she was one of the healthiest interactions he had ever had. They could be vulnerable together; the two were quite independent on their own, but allowed themselves to soften when they were in each other’s company and be taken care of by someone else. They met each other where they were, and grew together as a couple and individually because of it. She held him accountable, and he was lost without her.

Wordlessly, he walked inside the building, unsure of what even to say to such a statement. He wasn’t sure if she’d even be happy to see him once he got to her door, or maybe, she’d have a change of heart entirely and send him away. The elevator ride was quick and soon he was standing at her front door, knuckles gently rasping against the wood softly as not to wake anyone up in the dead of night. How they had gotten to where they were was hardly a mystery, but maybe if they worked together and put the past aside, they could find a way to be in each other’s stories again.