HAUSTE.

TELL ME ABOUT THE DREAM WHERE we pull the bodies out of the lake, and dress them in warm clothes again.

samuel henry winchester of cw's supernatural rp blog, s1-5 centered. crossover, multiverse, multiship, oc & ship friendly. originally est. 2011 , mun 25+. #prodigil. affiliated with @picksmusic.

while sam will always love his father, that love is challenged and frequently overwhelmed by anger, pain, and hate. some part of him that is still young and innocent and full of love believes john was doing his best with the shit sandwich life fed him. the rest of him that isn't a baby boy that wants his father, completely understands and is arrested with anger on behalf of his child self, that john was such a terrible father, not just to him but to dean too.

i am of the opinion john abused sam and dean in different ways. to sam, he showed favoritism toward dean because dean was the 'perfect son'; dean was everything john raised ("raised") him to be and then some, he was the best little soldier and a better hunter. not to mention, dean adopted a broad majority of john's interests: he liked cars, beer, women, music, etcetera. in sam's eyes, that made sam the disappointment, the black sheep. sam was soft and fragile and gentle and didn't want to hurt people. (not to mention, sam was less afraid of expressing himself in comparison to dean, and that expression earned him period typical responses, especially of homophobia and transphobia.) where john forced dean into the role of parent and guardian of sam in favor of pursuing his vengeance, john got into regular fights with sam who challenged him as he got older.

baby sam was terrified of john. not to mention that he felt like he barely knew him most of the time, he oscillated between wanting his comfort (as any child would--esp since my sam is trans, i headcanon he was absolutely a 'daddy's girl' at that age), and being upset/afraid of him because he was gone so often. not to mention, i believe sam's psychic sensitivity was sharp at that age before dulling until his adulthood, so john would come home smelling like death and carrying the energy of the monsters he'd killed and it would scare the fuck out of sam. dean was more comforting since day one in that regard.

i don't think john was a "beat your kids" drunk, but i do think he could've been that if he wasn't busy. sam even says that about max the psychic child with the horribly abusive father, that if john drank more and hunted less, they would have been exactly like that. (dean refutes this, which makes me think either he's in deeper denial, or the unique brands of abuse john inflicted on both his children were different enough to lead sam to believe john would indeed hit him, but dean didnt think john would hit him. ?) either way i 100 percent think john has slapped or punched sam in a fight when sam was nearing 18.

since i also portray sam as trans man who didnt transition until he left, i can see dean actually intervening more here because she's just a girl, or vise versa--when dean is angry at sam, john was likely the one to shove him off, because he shouldn't be hitting a girl, let alone his sister. (i actually dont imagine john's parenting changed much though between ftm and cis male sam. either way, sam had to be tough, and i can see him being extra hard on baby sam before he knows he's trans just because he feels he has to teach his 'daughter' to protect herself.)

sam's fear of john is pretty much gone by adulthood, hence why he is able to clash with john and stand up for dean. even though dean has an explosive temper that bleeds into the way he treats sam, sam still feels more safe with dean than john. in the end, even if dean will hit him, he would never let him die. john would, and sam i think is keenly aware of that, deep down. he chose his hunt and his knife over his children.

(the fear of john wholeheartedly returns when he's possessed by azazel. "luckily" for john, it doesnt persist due to the subsequent semi truck accident.)

fun spn quotes | @picksmusic

' ugh.. smells like stale laundry in here. ' the pungent, invasive scent of mildew clutched every rotten coppery square inch of this outskirts basement, rickety ceiling making sam's shoulders square every few seconds. ' i think this is a mimic, or.. maybe, uh, a ghorabak ? i mean, i don't see any skin husks, so it can't be a shifter. and.. and it doesn't really fit the MO of a doppelganger to attack a fisherman. what's it doing in america, though? '

fun spn quotes | @hcrctic

' uh, you know, i don't... '

it's fascinating to me the amount of multitudes featured in sam and dean's relationship, and the way their relationship looks different depending on what side of the fence you're standing on.

john forced dean into a role that wholeheartedly splits and mutilates him. dean didn't get to just be a kid, or to just be john's son, or to just be sam's brother. he had to be sam's father, because john wasn't there. he had to be his guardian, his caregiver, his protector. from the age of four he was shoehorned into a position where he had no choice, and deviating from this mold john created for him he learned to be dangerous--whether because of the world around them, or because of john's reaction to it.

it makes sense, then, that as dean gets older, his attachment to sam becomes very unhealthy. there's resentment there that gets expressed toward sam for what their father did: and i mean, it makes sense. even though dean rationally knows none of this is his fault, or sam's fault, how could you not feel a sense of resentment for the person who you feel you've been burdened with responsibility by? of course, i doubt dean actually logically sees it this way. he loves sam so much he'll do anything to save him.

but that love also comes from a sense of his own identity. this is who he is and what he revolves around: being sam's guardian. it's a cycle that feeds into itself.

dean needs sam more than sam needs him, despite the toxic sense of codependency they have. sam has demonstrated the ability to be away from dean, e.g. four years of stanford. he can even survive when dean is Dead dead, like hell. obviously we see in his flashbacks he was utterly miserable, but he was alive, compared to dean who practically tries to kill himself any time sam's life is on the line if it means saving sam.

i would also like to point out dean has a nearly psychosexual sense of possession and jealousy over sam. this is by far the most interesting part of their dynamic to me, because like, obviously i am not a w*ncest shipper (blegh) and don't mean it literally, but the way dean gets about people who have precedence over sam compared to him--like ruby, for example--the sense of betrayal dean exhibits over sam 'choosing' people who aren't him, he treats him like they're married.

not to mention i can draw the lines between.. lucifer knocking dean out after dean shoots him with the colt, so he can terrorize sam and promise him he'll 'give in' eventually (which again, this is very analogous to badgering for sex), and lucifer intentionally making himself look like dean to be close to sam and cross the wires in his brain. not to mention, what i think lucifer did to him in the cage ("hate banging as we speak") would have absolutely entailed lucifer finding the worst ways to terrorize sam, because it isn't just about his sick twisted perverted sense of "love" and "possession" anymore (after all, if sam 'belongs' to dean, and lucifer feels entitled to him, theres going to be contempt), it's about hurting him as deeply and painfully as possible for ending his thousands of years in the making plan for the apocalypse. my point is lucifer 100 percent made himself look and sound like dean in the cage before abusing him time after time.

and i believe the opposite of this to be true for dean too, i have absolutely zero doubt that demons in hell torturing dean took the form of sam, and i wouldn't doubt if before he broke demons would take the appearance of sam on the rack too. this is likely a mutual trauma they have in some way or another that is never discussed, because how do you possibly discuss something so grotesque and morbid?.

sam convinces himself of the necessity of this. teeth tapping molars sends electrical synapses through his brain, the watery and distended vestige of john's voice thrumming about his skull. he gently girds august's bird-bone shoulders, picking off a pill of lint at the seam of his hoodie. ' alright, auggie. you ready for blank rounds? we can set up some, uh, empty soda bottles, and see if you're a real texas ranger. ' the soft air to his intones is meant to alleviate, guide august away from the reality of why sam was refining his ability as a young shootist: there would be a day where he wouldn't be able to protect him, he was sure of it. ' the idea is, you won't ever have to use it. but, i just.. want you safe. '

sam is a bisexual bottom leaning switch. he likes taking care of women and fem presenting partners by default and assumes a gentle dominant role unless his partner directs into something else (he has no problem subbing for girls), whilst often defaulting to wanting to be taken care of by men and masc presenting partners. part of this is a psychosexual thing about the comfort he's received in his life from men vs. from women but thats a whole different post for a later time.

since he is somewhat of a control freak, he does like dominating his partner and making choices for them if they're into this. he discovered most of this when he and brady were a thing before he was introduced to jessica (and before brady Fell Off in terms of academia, going from a pre med student to drinking and doing drugs regularly). brady was a softie who let sam bully him, and they were on-off partnered.

but, he does love being pampered and adored, especially by men. there is absolutely a big part of sam that wants to be worshipped, despite his absolutely abysmal self esteem. its the only place he can find some kind of reprieve from his own self image. (many years ago, when they were still active, i shipped with my friend's crowley, and man.... having a firmly dominant but loving, grounded top to basically be his demon sugar daddy sure was a life changing experience, in a good way.)

has a relatively big T dick. many years of being on HRT and good genetics will do that.

when he tops, using a harness and toy equally brings him euphoria and dysphoria at times. he loves getting to have his own dick in some way or another, but also there is the niggling fear that because it isn't natal, his partner won't enjoy it as much, which spirals into dysphoric anxiety. they have to give him some indication they're into it to get him to stop focusing on it.

only does anal sex with amab hook ups. sorry. he does do vaginal penetration with an established partner. i think sam is sort of terrified of ending up pregnant for an assortment of reasons, so he generally prefers anal with someone he doesn't intend to spend his life with or if its his first time with his prospective partner. when topping, he'll do whatever his partner wants, it doesn't matter to him.

big hands means big, long fingers. good with his hands. likes watching his partners squirm on them.

cannot be a mean or aggressive top. (can be a mean or aggressive dom if he's bottoming. almost dislocated brady's shoulder once pulling his arm back to hold above his head.)

huuuuuuge monster fucker. like generally very eyebrow waggling at big strong monsters who can throw him around and fuck him. the only exception is anything that reminds him of lucifer, and even then, he has angel ship partners who exist in the same sort of realm he isnt afraid of (cas, gabe).