#a bit

From canon we know that Robby wanted to smash his head during his motorcycle ride. Out. Of. The. Fucking. Country. Why is this relevant? Because when a person commits suicide, helplesslesly, leaves a burden of guilt to each of their loved ones. Either by saying it, outright in a letter or goodbye, or by default. And this is something that happens in the mind of those who stay, not necessarily in the mind of the one who commits it. I think Robby didn’t want anyone to have that guilt and that’s why he wants it to be an “accident” and wants to be taken to a hospital completely out of his team’s jurisdiction.

Even if I didn’t know about his mother’s canon death at the time, I did consider this layer of guilt when writing the sabbatical. That’s why when reader asks him “are you going to kill yourself?” He says “I don’t want to”.

Now, and this comes from my own scars, I do not think a parent who commits suicide intends to harm their children. On the opposite, I think it pains them so much that it can stop them sometimes or elongate their suffering. That’s why my Robby says “I don’t want to”, not “I’m not going to” or “I think about it”, he has the ideation and the impulse but doesn’t want it to happen.