Don’t let the world give you sharp edges.

Actually, this is a BIT of a tangent but, I don't know! I want to talk about it. tw for pet loss, if you're willing to listen to me yap at length haha. It's good though!!! I promise it's not sad. But it's kind of an essay lol.

In April, Nurture will be 5 years old (only 5? dang it feels like this album has been in my life for forever!). I've listened to it since it came out, but, idk, I struggled a LOT with my mental health as a young adult, as I think most young adults do, and Nurture was a huge support for me, but I think I kind of took it for granted until I lost my last rat (and my heart rat), big boy. I associate the album with him a lot, I think. Before Big boy died, as he was approaching the end of his life, I was really reaching a low point. I won't get into details because it's kinda pointless and I'm a stranger on the internet, but right before he died I was probably at the lowest I'd ever been. I didn't really see how I'd keep going without Big boy, as he was really my light and love, he was my reason to push forward, but after he died I got better... surprisingly quickly. I remember the day I lost him was most definitely the worst day of my life, but after a couple days, I was just pulled towards Nurture and started listening religiously. Wind Tempos in particular had a chokehold on me. I clearly needed it, and it just felt like, in the most normal way, some part of Big boy was trying to speak to me through me finding it and hearing it again. Of course I know I was giving it meaning, not some spirit of my dead rat, but it just felt special. I had seen Nurture live at Red Rocks years earlier and had heard Wind Tempos live, but it didn't speak to me the way it did at this point. Every phase of that song feels like this point of transformation and growth, making your way through grief, finding the joy in being alive through the love you felt for the ones you've lost. If there's one thing my rats have taught me in this life, it's to love unconditionally and fully (and that cuddles are the best). I loved Big boy SO MUCH. He was the light of my life and, at the time, it felt like I would never love anything as much as I loved that rat. But listening to Nurture, and processing that grief taught me that if there's one thing my precious boy would have wanted, it would have been for me to learn to love life as much as I loved him. That there is so much more to our lives, that there's so much purpose and joy to be derived and that we are truly and sincerely lucky to be able to experience every facet of our existence, from the highs to the lows. Maybe I lost Big boy, but the love I have, and the love he gave to me hasn't been lost. Since he died, I've put so much of myself into becoming the best person I can be. I think we humans are always a work in progress, and I will always be a flawed being, but I never stop believing that I can be better, that I am not a lost cause. nobody is!

Maybe it's a gift that I couldn't recognize

trying to feel alive

I'm really lucky to have gravitated towards Nurture after he passed. I would not have processed the grief the way I did without the hope that Nurture gives me. It gave me a whole new perspective on life, and really, I would not have met the friends I did, or be anywhere near where I am without it. I know it's just music, but it was a regular reminder to breath, look at the sky, consciously think about what I am living for, have grace towards myself, remember the people that make my life good, and be more mindful in general. I cannot express how many times I've heard "Look at the Sky" and literally looked up, only to notice the most stunning view that I just never thought to notice right in front of me. How many times I've heard "Trying to Feel Alive" and remembered to stop for a moment and remind myself that whatever trials and tribulations I might be facing are proof that I am alive and I am making it!!!! Or heard Lifelike and stopped to feel the warmth of the sun on my face, and the freshness of the air if I am outside. These songs have become mindfulness exercises in and of themselves. I am so lucky to have people in my life whom I love so deeply, who I cherish so fully, who make me want to grow and change and improve, who inspire me to be the best person I can be, but also without harshness or anger. It's important we grow, change, and hold ourselves accountable where we can, but it's just as important that we give ourselves grace and understanding. This message in particular is more prominent in SMILE! :D but I do think it's important to love ourselves as much as our loved ones do. I tried to force myself to "be better" through anger directed at myself, and refusal to accept that I am human and make mistakes, and it made me miserable for so long. It was only once I treated myself with kindness that I found myself becoming a better, more positive, more full person. I think everyone should find that balance. I will admit, it falls out of balance every once and a while, but I always try my best to keep that balance as much as possible. We are only human, after all!

ANYWAYS, long rant over

Welcome back, spring! May this year be joyful, and may we find hope, love and kindness where we can, and make the most of what we have!! Make sure the people you love know you love them, make sure to look at the sky and admire what you see, take a moment to feel the warmth of the sun on your face, the coolness of the breeze in your lungs, and the love for everything you hold dear in your heart! You can make it through this year! We can make it!

This goes out to Big boy, of course. Small rat with such a short life, but one that touched me forever. I always hold a piece of him in my heart, like an everlasting glow that reminds me of all the good in the world.