a whole lot of chaos

anyway welcome and enjoy :)))

this fucking blows. this sucks. i feel like i need to scream curses at the void and break shit and punch things. im mad. IM MAD and i cant say shit about it because i should have expected it anyway, but FUCK. fuck. im angry and frustrated and sad and im crying like a fucking idiot. and for what? because i had the unfortunate luck to be born too small, with shitty lungs and a defective brain? every source ive checked has said the same thing: adhd disqualifies. asthma disqualifies. anxiety disqualifies. you need to be taller. you need to be in a better state of mind. the options are get diagnosed and lose whatever chance I had left, or be without any sort of accomodation for the rest of my life. not that im not doing that right now anyway. every time- every fucking time i figure anything out it gets ripped out from under me. and i cant complain because i still have it better than so many people. but im still mad as hell and im still upset and im still crying like a fucking baby because once i started it triggered the coughing and its like a stupid endless fucking cycle because i feel the cough and im reminded. i cant lie about any of it and i cant shake it off and i cant change it. god. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. i just have to go about my day and do my stupid homework my sister wont stop bothering me about and go to practice with the girls--my girls--who im going to lose soon and ill probably never see some of them again and pretend that none of this matters and nothing bothers me and i dont care that the only jobs that ever really felt right to me just sank down the drain. im an idiot and a coward and a bitch and i should have seen this coming but i didnt and now theres nothing i can do about it and IM ANGRY. IM MAD AND SCARED AND SAD AND IM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED. im sick of all of it getting in the way. im sick of having to use that stupid fucking inhaler and not being able to get any work done or pay attention in class. i hate that i need a stool to reach shit. i hate that i need to remind myself that making one mistake wont cause every friend ive ever had to abandon me and i hate how apathetic i feel and i hate mood swings and i hate that nobody notices but i dont know how to let them in anyway so maybe its better. im sick of being sick. i just wanted it to work this time. just this once, i wanted it to work out. but i get bitten in the ass every fucking time and im tired. i just want it to stop. i dont want it to hurt anymore. i really wanted it and its gone.