I’m wasting away, aren’t I? the second I speak it into existence I know that it’s true. I am wasting away and I have nothing left to offer myself but apathy and broken promises. I look through my photos of a happy child, so vibrant, so curious, so hopelessly hopeful and I wonder how I so easily let her down. What would she think of the statue i’ve become, the walls built so high no one can break through while I break behind them and suffocate, slowly, as I waste away. How pitiful would it be for her to gaze at the glazed eyes that offer nothing but the sight of someone who would rather be anywhere else but here, anything other than myself, anything other than wasting away. No matter what I do she will always be suppressed, she will always be a distant memory, because no pain is greater than knowing i’ve let her down, knowing I couldn't be who she wanted me to be, knowing that her heart would be shattered even further than it would already be. I can only ask for forgiveness and hope that she looks away as my mind continues to disintegrate and I no longer suffer from the torment of wasting away.

I wont remember the color of your shirt, whether it’s solid, striped or full of designs. I wont remember the shoes you wore or the places we went, how the birds sang in the garden and the flowers waved in the breeze. You can say i’m not observant, I can think those things obsolete, but i’ll never forget the warmth of your hand as it clasped mine tightly or the way your hair shined in the sun. The way your smile was always plastered on your face, the curve of it, the softness of your lips, and the freckled galaxy around your nose. Your bushy eyebrows accompanied by golden eyes that made me melt like honey and the delicate lines born of years of confusion and frustration right above them. I’ll never forget the marks on your face that were beautifully painted strokes, leaving the corners of your lips every time you were happy and the scar that youve had since you were a child. I’ll remember your laugh, how it always sounded so full, and the way it felt when you held me close and the world faded away. The times, the places, may someday be distant memories like a dream I can never quite place, but the work of art that you have always been will forever be fresh in my memory.

my mind is in space, my body on ground, my heart stuck with you and my soul to be found. i’m losing my place, my feet no longer bound, hoping to join my head up in the clouds. but my heart sticks with you, no matter how lost the rest of me is, despite all the costs. my soul is a drifter, a wonderer too, I only hope she can come back to you. now the rest of me slowly sinks into the void, and I start to come back upon hearing your voice. but sometimes I fear my head is too far gone, my soul is astray, my body doesn’t belong. so I write this for you, who brought me back to Earth, to remind you how much you seem to be worth. someday you can’t save me, someday I wont come back, but remember how you saved me before I faded to black

i find solace in the inevitability of death. for me, you, the earth and the stars, we are nothing but obstacles floating in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. in this life we see the stars, in the next we become them.

My heart sinks more with every word, feeling heavier with each breath we take. When we’re apart i remember how your mind was on her, wondering if this chance given is a mistake. i gave you everything, everything i have and am, and yet that wasnt enough. i still give you everything, i gave a second chance, am i enough now? Can i be enough now?

The difference between you and I is that I am always thinking about you while you need to be reminded to think about me

My life was never about me, it was always about you. Yet here I am, look where I stand, I’ve broken loose, untied the noose and for the first time I can breathe. I was young and you were wrong, holding my head underwater when I’d try to run. It was always about you. Suddenly I feel like I can finally see and so I’ll push you as far away from me as can be. And as I take a step back, I’ll tie this noose around my past, all my strength regaining fast. At last, I am finally free

If you thought you could keep him down you thought wrong, he was always ready for a challenge. As you hold him underwater and expect him to drown he grows gills in order to stay alive. He has always found a way. And when you built a wall around him he would tear it down as you watched, brick by brick, without fail. He could move mountains, he could part seas, he was nothing short of heavenly and yet that will always be unbeknownst to you. You have built these walls since before he could crawl and drowned him everyday before he could talk. His potential forever unmet and not through inadequacy but rather deprivation of love, acceptance and inspiration in a nation with no role models for him. They did not care about him. But I do. As he continues to break down the walls you have built we will rebuild them around all ignorance and abuse, in an attempt to get away from you. And when he learns how to live oh god will he feel alive for the first time with you no longer suffocating his mind, consuming every thought, ruining him every time. So when he moves those mountains, once he parts those seas, no credit will be given to you, to me, to anybody but himself. All this time you made sure he was dormant but he’s finally breaking free. If you thought you could keep him down you thought wrong.

Forever couldn’t possibly be enough for me. No, I wanted to be with him for longer than forever could ever allow. Until the end of mankind, until the end of this very earth, far beyond time and space, through the next big bang. Forever couldn’t possibly offer what I want because all I want is him, for as long as the universe ends and exists, continuously, time and time again. And in all that time the one thing that will remain, the sole thing that will exist without end, will be my love for him.

You don’t need me like I need you, and that was one of the most terrifying things to admit to myself. You don’t need me like I need you and once I spoke those words I knew it was true, I could never be half as much to you as you are to me. I need you like water, I need you like air, I inhale your scent like oxygen and losing you is a thought I never could bear. But that’s where we’re headed isn’t it? I need you for everything, and that’s my fault for believing that there was a chance at forever, believing that everything would be okay. I deconstruct the person I am and find traces of you everywhere, I see the person I may have been and I see the person who didn’t care. You see, by loving you I completely lost me but you kept yourself, piece by piece, because you didn’t need me like I needed you.

I want to scrub off my skin ‘til I’m nothing but bones Every layer that is shed is another way I feel alone

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