Out of and Under Control

This was life

Coffee in the evening the way you like it

Daily “breakfast meetings” before work, when we were all still gummy from sleep

Popping the top off a bottle of wine and burning cooking dinner

The conversation jumping out of us to eager ears

Or sometimes dripping from us,

As slow and sweet as molasses

This was the endless day

Where everything finally took the time to stay the same

The music was always on

The sun never want down

No one ever walked out the door and drove away

I used to go to bed hoping I would wake up somewhere different

With sand made from memories

Millions of them,

But so small,

“With my sandpaper skin I wonder if you dare to touch me

There are weights in my muscles,

I am much too heavy to lift

My heart comes out of my mouth gurgling

Struggling for a breath of meaning

In the dead seconds, it chokes out words often far removed from what I intended

But nonetheless I expect love

In my crooked-cut, half-glued, tacky scrapbook state, I want to be cherished

Even in my ultimate expression of burden I beg you to stay

I would like the brevity of a laugh to become the endlessness of a future

Your eyes flicker through movie clips when I catch them just right

Blink. This is real

Blink. Can’t you see it?

Blink. There is it. The new path. Just keep walking.

In the moments of quiet joy I know peace

It is shaky and timid

Arriving just as I do—uncertain

Stapled and taped just to hold itself together

But existing.

In flashes and bursts,

Small smiles and quiet good nights

Like, I hate you for ignoring my pain

But you taught me how to drive a car and bought me my first bong

Or,

I’m so angry that you don’t really care that he hurt me

But I’ve spent my whole life finding a family in you and I can’t just turn off those memories

Maybe everything just evens out

A beautiful math equation where both sides are equal

And I’m just left at zero

In between heartbreak and happiness

But not feeling much of anything

I’ve seen the fight for me run through someone else’s veins

I wonder why you cannot do the same

I know it is out there,

A love that feels angry for me

I’m nauseous at your naivety

Absolutely broken by your delusions

But I love you so much

I wish you hadn’t pretended for so long

Should you take off your disguise or should I take off these glasses?

Something is distorted

I want to remove this new lens but I think it’s the type of thing you can’t unsee

From now on I just picture strangers as closed doors before they’ve even opened

And I think of you as someone else

Do I say goodbye now or when you actually walk out the door?

Maybe I should have said goodbye a long time ago

I Know Heaven Is A Mind State,

I’ve Been A Couple Times //

It found me in the back seat of your car and in your living room.

It was on the mountain, in my pool, at that one restaurant, in the high school gymnasium.

Eternity is everywhere,

Waiting for a steady heartbeat, music at just the right volume, and for you and them to be right next to me.

Immortality is hopeless, but I would much rather die right here in whatever this is.”

In parents and siblings and all others that share the same blood

Their love comes, at least partly, from obligation

They are tied to you in a way they can’t explain

This lack of explanation ultimately becomes a weakness

Because when things are difficult, when times are trying and you have made decisions they are not fond of,

That obligation will be forgotten

And their love will quickly fade,

Given to the ones they have chosen rather than the ones they were forced to bear

I can’t trust a compelled love

I can’t trust my family to grant me support because they are supposed to

I can only trust those that have picked me

Even though I am not their daughter or sister or niece or cousin

They have decided to love me,

and they know every single reason why.”

I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

One where there used to be a bed and a nightstand and a girl that’s long dead now

How if you take all those away and fill it with office supplies and a treadmill it can break your heart but it can also set you free

This place only has old pictures of you

There used to be spare clothes for when there was a chance you would stay the night

But you grew out of them and the house grew out of you

I guess in some ways that’s lonely,

Knowing that you have no way to return, or that maybe they just don’t want you to

But in others ways, it’s all the answers you’ve ever needed

The empty closet and the filing cabinet tell you to run away and never come back

This was only a home for who you once were

Go away, there is somewhere much safer waiting for you

It beckons you with love and hope

A roadmap to nowhere but up,

Lights illuminating not just the end but the whole damn tunnel

The future can only begin when you drop that weight

Lock the front door

Turn on your car, pull out of the driveway

Return to the highway that will take you where you have always meant to be. “

She invites all kinds of people into her house

She asks strangers over for Sunday night dinner,

Acquaintances come to Thanksgiving,

Distant relatives and a friend of a friend are there at Christmas

She told me that with her, everyone has a place at the table

A bed when they need it

A family when they don’t have one

I guess her offer even extends to monsters

The shadow walks in with a smile and I don’t have the nerve to scream because this is a party

This is a holiday

We don’t make a scene

To be fair, it’s not her fault that painful flashbacks aren’t exactly dinner conversation

No one wants to hear about that time when the well dressed boy over there decided he didn’t need to ask permission, least of all me

But he’s here

And he’s hungry

So he’s eating our food

We say our thanks to my grandma’s God in a big circle, hands clasped

I wonder if the shadow’s food is blessed the same way ours is

Inside my brain, I bang my head against the table

I knock off the plates

I throw the remote at the TV and tell the goddamn Alexa to stop playing the “Calming Jazz” station

But outside, I down my martini and ask for a refill

A few more down my throat and I’m staring at him with glassy eyes

Across the room I’m daring him to make the first move

But I know he never will

Because despite his power, despite his greed and his thirst and his manipulation

He’s a coward

It is then that I decide I will eat in peace

One day, I will have a house of my own

And everyone will be welcome to my food

My beds

And my family

Everyone, except for anger and fear

They are guests that are much too hard to host.”

What teacher taught you that you were too stupid?

Which coach yelled that you weren’t fast enough or strong enough?

What mentor reminded you that you don’t have any talent?

Which family member made you feel worthless?

When did you decide they were right?

You were born into this world without any shame

Innocent, and unable to feel the one emotion that is dictated solely by others

Until you grew older,

And side comments started adding up

Snickers turn to cackles

They tried to drill into your mind that something about you is unforgivable

Only to be managed in the form of a joke

Who’s voice is it that plays in your head, louder than your own?

What do they tell you when no one else can hear?”