Being alone and an overthink-er is a pretty bad combination. It’s been a while since I last poured my heart out here maybe because I’m fed up with myself admitting how I feel and wanting to change that feeling ever since and also wanting you to know everything. It has been days or even months but I don’t think it hasn’t changed. Over these past few days, I’ve been dying to see you just to know how you’re doing and maybe to know more than that. The struggle all this time is not just me trying to heal wounds but also the people that remind me of my wounds. It’s so hard for me to open up to them because I don’t think they have no time for drama and maybe also the fact that I can’t admit to them even what myself doesn’t want to. I thought of the questions I often get asked and also the answers I give.
What I tell others: He found a new girl. It’s fine because it’s my fault anyway.
What I should’ve told them: He found a new girl that he deserves because only now do I realize he didn’t deserve someone like me. It’s my fault anyway because I chose not to be everything that I should have been to him and when I realized that, it was too late. I don’t think it’s his fault in anyway because if he has done anything wrong to me, it was me who did it first and triggered him.
What I tell others: Yes, I am feeling better every day and I’m starting to get over it.
What I should’ve told them: I want to feel alright but somehow I still don’t because not unless I have talked to him and settled everything I don’t think I’ll ever be in peace. I do try to move on and yes, I feel better than the past few months but I can’t still honestly say that I have moved on.
If you would see each other and have a serious talk, what would you tell him?
What I tell others: I’ll tell him I am sorry because he didn’t deserve everything I did to him and thank you for being patient with me.
What I would really say to him: Sorry I was not that girl. I was not everything you deserve to have. Sorry for not being comfortable with myself around you as much as I would want to. Sorry for trying to understand a complicated person like myself. I’m sorry for breaking your heart and I’m for everything else. Thank you for being so patient with me in any way possible. Thank you for never wanting to change myself around you. Thank you for always making me feel secured and important. Thank you for all those years you made me special in your life. Thank you because I know someone who loved me for everything that I am. Thank you because you were that person. Thank you for being a part of who I am today. Thank you because you are a part of my life and forever you will be. I wish I could’ve told how good you look especially when you’re all dressed up. How I love the way you put your arm around me just to make me warm. How much I love it when you hug me. How you give me butterflies whenever I see your name come up on my phone. How much I adore the way you are with your family. How I would die just to hug you and kiss you for a second and spend time with you. And most of all, how much I love you and all the reasons why I fall for you more every single day.
Would you want to be with him again?
What I tell others: I don’t know.
My real answer: Yes, because I know that I still have feelings for him. I want to make up for everything I did wrong and I want to be more mature in dealing with our relationship. I want to be the person I know I could have been to him. On the other hand, I’m scared if I fail in doing so because I can’t afford to hurt myself again and more importantly, him. I don’t want to be selfish anymore and whatever his happiness is, that will be the same for me. Maybe we don’t have to get back together in order for me to make up with everything, maybe I can do that while we’re friends because I am sure that we could be.
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