Secret 2nd blog woah

And I know the issue is me being backed into a corner. When people complain, other people want to help! And they've offered help! And I've seemingly turned it all down and just kept complaining. and I know how shitty that looks to an outside view. But I can't go to all of them and say about the active "any money I get is going to be stolen from me and pocketed and I need to set up a hidden and secure way for me to get money and make purchases". I'm not going to throw that at a load of people.

"if you do (morally neutral action that my brain is currently convinced is Intrinsically Evil) and tell people, you're only doing that to reassure your catholic guilt and manipulate others into approving your actions. If you do (neutral action etc) and don't tell others, you're hiding it because you know you're evil. If you don't do (neutral action etc) at all, you're only avoiding it because you know you're evil for considering it."

It just. Feels stupid. "Here's some stuff we daydreamed about and made up and then got attached to." It's more annoying when we're not even fictives, we're just ocs that introjected themselves. Yeah, my whole backstory? I made it up. I remember us choosing the name of my rival. I remember writing the process of me traumatizing some guy and choosing the best wording to make it sound cool.

Except we're not. Why does one of us hate our accent. There's nothing wrong with it?? How does one of us remember a code they made up, and the rest of us don't. That shouldn't be how my brain works. We're all the same person but sometimes we have a different voice. What do you mean we get different personalities and opinions too

We've been trying to be this… tolerable system. We were never actively involved in fake claiming spaces, but we saw several friends fall to them, and we internalized so much of its logic to direct at ourself. To stay safe. Never at others, never at our friends, but always at ourselves.

Don't express that you're a system, pretend to be a singlet. Real Systems™ hide themselves and don't state that they're plural. We can't be too big, shrink the system down. Real Systems™ don't have too many people. There's only two guys, right? Ignore that the two guys are also several guys in a trenchcoat, it's only two people! We're not that fragmented. We can't be fictives, we're original. Real Systems™ don't have fictives, that's made up for clout. Don't talk about sources if you start taking faces from media. And god forbid you get memories from there. Don't talk about it, don't mention it. You're making up things to be upset over, ignore it.

I hope fully feeling separate from the other anger holder is a temporary thing for today / this last weekish. Like soup of the week. I know 99% of what's making me angry is stupid pseudomemories I shouldn't care about and that shouldn't be affecting me. Maybe I'll blend back into the rest of them by the end of this.

Oh my god this is so annoying. What is up with the survival instinct stopping me from expressing any of this. I can't even say that I feel similar to

Really??? We're just ending sentences there??? I'm the only one in front. This sucks. How do I turn off that inability to say names. Is that just me or is that everyone that can't say things. That's everyone right. Is it always about that specific guy or is anyone's names.