oh my god, they were roommates … sentence starters
also included some aimed at cohabitating couples
“Did we leave the stove on?”
“Did you remember to unplug that?”
“Did you know you talk in your sleep?”
“Do you wanna just order pizza tonight?”
“You’re slowing down the internet, again.”
“I washed dishes last night. It’s your turn.”
“Seriously? You ate them all? Without me?”
“Do you have to have your music that loud?”
“Oh, don’t give me that! It had my name on it!”
“Scootch over, you’re hogging the whole couch.”
“You made dinner? Thanks, it smells really good.“
“Touch my chips and you’re gonna meet the lord.”
“My Netflix password, I get to decide what we watch.”
“If you touch that thermostat one more time, I swear…”
“Oh, yeah, light’s been burnt out for, like, a week, now.”
“Put down the broom and go to bed, you’re exhausted.”
“I just pulled all these out of the couch. Care to explain?”
“I swear, this place is haunted. The lights keep flickering.”
“No. You can’t solve every household issue with duct-tape.”
“Was that the sound of a pipe bursting? Please, tell me no.”
“You can’t just hoard (trash item). You’re like a dragon of garbage.”
“Well, I would’ve liked to sleep, but SOMEONE hogged the bed last night.”
“Our neighbors keep eyeing our little garden. I think they’re jealous. Good.”
“So, don’t panic, but you know how they say you shouldn’t microwave metal…?”
“Excuse you, you don’t need a pillow. I’m right here, and perfectly pillow-shaped!”
“Did you really write ‘REDRUM’ on the mirror? You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“Hey, I know you’ve had a rough day, so I made a quick stop and picked up your favorite snack.”
“Sorry I didn’t warn you that I sleepwalk. Didn’t mean to become your sleep paralysis demon.”
“Yeah, I’d love to do the yardwork… if it could stop snowing/raining/storming for more than ten seconds.”
“I was going to throw out the milk, but it’s been in there so long, it gained sentience and I’m scared to get near it.”
“Since things keep breaking, I think we have a household ghost. And I’m gonna name him Steve. Steve, you’re a dick.”
“Apparently, you can duct tape a person to a wall. We have duct tape. We have a wall. Are you seeing where I’m going with this?”
“Somewhere in this house, there’s a smoke alarm low on batteries. And it’s taunting me with its beeps, because it knows I can’t figure out which one it is.”