Soothing Solitude

Than come to plans I made,

They'd rather throw up on the carpet

Than answer texts,

They'd rather go with them,

Those other friends I hate,

What is wrong with me, God?

Is my skin the wrong shade of human

?

Or my words laced with poison?

Tell me, please, is my being too much for these other beings?

Would it help if I was thinner? Smarter? Cooler? Quieter? Calmer? Taller?

Or is it a manufacturing defect, did you accidentally ship me off before I was ready?

Hello? God? Are you there?

............

Silence

" dating is always hard"

Option A. My history professor

" dating is always hard"

Option A. My history professor

This badge,

This badge saying, " queer liberation, not rainbow capitalism".

It cost me 50 rupees,

It cost me 50 rupees but cost me more so my peace of mind.

Should I put it on? Or keep it safe in a corner in my home ?

Should I display it with 'pride'? Or only peek at it when I'm all alone ?

Will the metro police judge me as the bag with the badge floats through the conveyor belt of the country where marrying for love can still be illegal ?

What will my father say, what will my mother say ?

Will they understand ?

Or dismiss me with a flick of the hand?

And why, after all why should it all matter?

When it isn't even a matter of simply me,

It is a matter of them, of he, of she, of ze of everyone who deserves to just be.

This tumult is so much less to bear when I am a supporter,

I think of the greater struggle of the ones who society demands must suffer,

Must suffer for the 'sin' of not fitting in.

The badge I slip out of my bag,

In the middle of a sociology class discussing marriage and gender.

Tha badge goes on with pride through the little slit on my bag,

I smile,

Every step matters,

Every one matters.

Today's was a picture prompt of a girl at the base of a ladder.

*Change is all I've ever known* ( picture prompt)

"Don't change yourself for others " they say,

But what if , change is all I've ever known ?

What if who I am , is whatever you want me to be ?

Whatever makes you smile , I want to be that.

What if , all I ever want to be , is a ....ladder ?

A ladder.

Why a ladder you ask ?

Well its sturdy, strong and versatile!

Press your needs onto my wooden bars,

And climb up onto the favours I'll do you,

Take one step at a time,

Or move me to another self,

I am yours to use, I am your lithe ladder!

I want to be whatever you want from me , whatever makes you happy,

If a ladder seems a sloppy option, mould me into your boat's anchor.

If an anchor won't get you what you need, make me then your crutches.

Lean on me, please, I beg of thee,

Won't you be so kind as to take advantage of me?

I know, I know that sounds dripped in sarcasm,

But truly it is who I am, I am whatever you want me to be.

Let me know my dear which supporting device you'd like me to be,

It is the only thing I'm good at, for change is all I've ever known.

It makes sense.

I know I'm hoping for too much,too soon,

And being selfish in my pursuit.

I know if I give you space,

You'll heal quicker.

I know if I give you space,

You will twist the narrative with a flick of your wrist.

You never liked me. I am but an ordinary friend.

Easy .simple. solved.

So I will, I will give you space,

Because its the right thing to do for you.

I will do it,

For you,

And only you.

So when one day I see you smiling,

Knowing I'm not the reason,

I'll smile back too.

A knife to my heart,

Shards of glasses in my throat.

You moved on,

Gatekeeping

Sharing is caring they say

One of those clichés we don't really pay much thought to

But sharing is not just caring

It is devastating

Because when the one you've shared with is no longer there.

Each thing stings as a reminder of them

It is beautiful

It is beautiful to share favorites

Your favourite song

Your favourite hobby

Your favourite meal

With your favourite person

But the meal loses its taste, the hobby it's joy, and the song it's melody when you do so

It makes me wonder

If I gatekeep my interests

My love for the little things

Will I be able to resort to them in times of need ?

Or would I feel guilty for not exposing myself to another

Because after all

Isn't that what love is all about?

An unselfish pursuit to give them everything and a selfish pursuit to hope they remember those things

Maybe it is a balance

Some things you keep hidden for yourself

And others you sprinkle generously into the palms of another

But ultimately

I think, I would like to show all my cards

And I pray the other keeps them safe

Never ruins them

Only enhances them