When Validation Has To Come From You
It's so hard to survive (emotionally) the feeling that you're all alone in an endeavor. Be it a project or an activity or a trip or something. Something that involves change and newness that you've never experience before. When you start to realize that nobody's reassurance helps. No outside opinion or perspective brings clarity...it's time to drag out the validation from within.
As a magical fairy girlie, here are some practical steps I'm trying to take as I dig myself out of the trenches of self-pity and paralyzing fear (lol it's dramatic, but it's the way I feel!):
1. You're not incapable, you're just scared. Let's acknowledge it.
Hi, I'm Anastasia. I have loads of anxious thoughts and I'm so worried I'm going to fail at the things I'm doing. I love dreaming up the future and I think I do believe in myself. I think I have faith?? But I'm usually worrying. Worrying if I'll get it right, worrying if I'm going to make an unfixable mistake, worried if people will care. I worry so much that by the end of the day, on top of all my todo's, I'm extra exhausted. I just care so much, about what I do and what I love. I care so much and I dont want to mess it up, or accidentally hurt my chances at being happy or free or at peace. I dont want to hurt my heart, I dont want to hurt other people, and I want to be able to bring my dreams to life.
....what do you think? Do you relate? Go ahead and time yourself (I love timing myself, hehe), 10/20 minutes, and write your own "I'm scareddd" introduction. Let it out. Be honest as much as you can. You're writing it to face it. To look at it head on. No more running away because the feelings are here and real. And you know those things have legs and will surely run after you if you don't face them! Plus, nobody is reading it but you. You're safe. Just you and the paper of thoughts. (Unless you're like me and have posted it for the world to see. RIP.)
2. Things aren't impossible, they just require new steps. Let's figure it out <3.
I love Notion. Over the years I've turned it into a space where I build systems for just about anything: planning a project or planning a solution to a problem I created(hehe), it's become an anything-space. But most importantly, it's taught me the power of systems and little steps that make a whole.
When you're up against your feels, up against things that appear impossible; that is the time to create a system that generates possibility.
So, if we take my earlier poetic outburst essay about my feelings, let's try to find something concrete. Here's a summary:
★ I care deeply about what I am doing, therefore I want to do it. So, I must create a plan that guides me through doing it.
★ I struggle with anxious thoughts, and as we know anxiety doesn't care about logic or your accomplishments. this means, on top of my plan, I need to find ways to create moments of inner peace throughout the day. Maybe a routine that brings calm or little mini activities that make me happy and get me focused on joy.
★ Now, there's this other part that I get stuck on "I don't want to hurt my heart." Or I don't want to hurt others or I dont want to hurt my happiness or peace. There's a pattern here. The fear of hurting or being hurt in this journey of building my dreams. Now, I could classify this as regular anxious thoughts (Which in part, they are), however I have a feeling that a calm routine or fun activity may not fully vanquish the weight of it. And I think that's probably because a part of me knows, that I will probably, at some point, get hurt or face something tough or disappoint someone. Or not have the best outcome. In summary: I'm afraid of what I might face out there, worried if I can protect myself, and fearful of how whatever I face will affect me. And because I am not psychic or a seer, there is no way to know ahead of time all that will transpire. Okay... well, perhaps now I need some acceptance. I will add "I accept that there is unknown" to my wall calendar. And then add a little extra..
★ Here's the little extra (because concrete actions are key): I will add a simple activity to my plan. And that simple activity is this—Each time I take a step forward in my plan, I will make a note of the outcome and how I handled it. You see, the more I take steps forward, the more I learn. The more I can build trust with myself—not because my decisions are perfect but because they are coming from me. And more importantly because, after I make them, I find a way to make them right. In some ways, it's like keeping a diary of the things I do. But it's not just: "I published my first fairytale", it's also "And this is how I felt afterwards, and this is what happened after I did. And this is how I faced XYZ because of it." I am keeping a record to create a new pattern. Because even though anxiety doesn't listen to logic, it now has to compete with the fact that my brain carries another side of the story. The side that knows I am capable of handling what comes my way, of taking leaps of faith, of problem solving and enjoying the journey; essentially, I will be building up the part of me that sees why my dreams resided in me in the first place. Because those little bubbles of joy (my dreams) knew that I was the best fairy to bring them to life. And that record is evidence.
So with your plans and your little activities and new habits, you will start to add steps to your calendar. Or your Notion, or your journal. You'll schedule things here and there and start doing for real: the project, the activity, the trip, the whatever-this-endeavor-is-that-you-are-embarking-on.
3. You're not alone. Even when support is nowhere to be found, there is imagination. There is fiction.
The world can be a terrible, terrible place. Our minds too can become terrible, terrible places.
You and I both know, that no amount of meticulous planning can ever fully prepare us for the pain, suffering, and grief that we will end up facing in this lifetime. Darkness? Inevitable. Chaos? Around the corner.
But babe, this is seriously besides the point.
Doom and gloom is only a part of the story. I am of a mind that Light is also inevitable and Peace is also around the corner. Yes, all at the same time. And when we are feeling alone, when doubt is coming for our lives, when we are drowning in hopelessness—that is a good time as any to find those special spaces, those shining fantasy worlds, that will remind us exactly what we are living for.
I know you know it's not the slightest bit of a joke, because you've been there. In fact you never left: You get lost in the pages of books you've had since you were twelve. You cry in movie theaters whether it's a joyful animated movie or an awe-inspiring blockbuster dystopian. The lives of people you have never really met, shake the ground you are standing on and then push you to rebuild. Over and over again.
You know their paths, their secrets, their pain. They aren't celebrities plastered on billboards, they aren't wisened mentors on pedestals who look cool and awesome and untouchable.
No. None of that. They are in your heart. They grew up with you. Their entire life is laid out before you, with nowhere to hide: you know them. Like you actually know them.
But it's not really about them, is it? Okay maybe it's about them. We LOVE them. But It's also about you:
★ You are the one who rewatches that princess movie incessantly because you want to be kind and good (and aren't you already all those things?) and keep believing in your dreams.
★ You are right next to Alice when Mad Hatter tells her she must never lose her muchness. He's talking to you.
★ You're in the skies riding dragons and saving cities and facing evil. What a life! And guess what? When you close the book or switch if the telly, that feeling doesn't go away; because you've always wanted to be brave and stand up for yourself and do things that you didn't think you could do.
★ You are the one, wand in hand, brushing shoulders with your archenemy who is now your found family. Because you want to be loved and seen for who you truly are.
Come on. You don't need me to convince you. You're already convinced.
And I know it can sometimes fill you with such melancholy and sadness, that you may not ever get to be whisked away to that one magical institution. Or stumble across a door, or a well, or a closet that takes you to these worlds filled with justice and love and fantasy. To these characters who wield magic in a way you've always wanted.
I wish we could find a way to them.
I'd go in a blink. You'd go in a heartbeat.
But this is where we are right now. So we must bring the magic here. The validation must exist within us, here. We have to tell ourselves:
So long as I am alive, my dreams are possible. So long as my dreams are possible, I am the person that can turn them real.
Because just like those characters we love and revisit within our imagination; we too are capable. Those fictional worlds are mirrors to look into our hearts once more, to find that we can believe in ourselves again. At anytime. Even when we are afraid.
So yes, you make your plans and take your steps with courage. You put in place little routines and systems to cultivate your inner peace and calm. You pay attention to your capabilities and show yourself that it can be done. With intention, you continue to surround yourself with the stories and characters that inspire you. And then, for the things that you cannot control, because there will always be things that you cannot control, you learn to hold on to your faith—for me that's in God and also impossible things, for you it could be something else—then you jump off that cliff and fly like the phoenix you are.
This is how you build your version of hopecore.
This is how you learn to validate yourself.
And slowly, ever so slowly, but surely, you will start to feel a smile on your face that wasn't there before. You will start to do things; wonderful, wonderful things. Do you get that?
with the love you deserve,
photo credit: A pond with lily pads and palm trees in the background by Joseph LEE
