bitchy, sushi lovin, weed smokin koala

what would they think

when they walk into my room

and see my lying there 

cold and finally at peace

the feeling of freedom rushing through my body

when i finally decided to leave

leave this hell, this endless torture

corrupt propaganda

and fucked up human ways 

and the reason i’ve always cried

was for the coming days 

and i’d hold myself and the empathetic angel on my shoulder says:

stay, think about how’d they feel

no says my self-centered, suicidal demon on the other shoulder 

fuck how they feel 

think about how’d they talk about you 

how embarrassed they’d be of you

how stupid and weak they’d think of you

back to reality and why is it about how’d they feel and not about me 

in that moment

all i could think of was of how’d people judge me 

not grief, or horror when they saw me but only opinions about me 

they won’t matter when i’m gone why do i care now

it scares me how badly i want to die

i need to say goodbye

goodbye to this pitiful world

full of hate, boring days

sadness and meaningless ways of showing love on display 

and if they really loved me they’d let me go

let me be happy

let me feel what happiness truly is 

i am a harmful predator to myself

my mind is too powerful for my own good

telling me i’m not alright

that i can’t keep going with this fight

but i was so done that night

only energy i had 

to grab the pill bottle

pour some any sum 

fuck what they were 

swallowed them dry and waited to hurl

cried for idek how long 

until i felt like i was melting

good? bad? idk 

what i did know was that i am out out of this reality for a second 

for a second to breathe 

a second to be free

until they fucking walked in and saw me

in that moment

back to reality 

all i could think was 

only thing i can do properly

is lie in bed and think 

wallow in my sorrow

i tell myself to repeat after me 

your life is not unique, 

nothing is what you think

degradation and making me never feel enough those are my kinks

because all of my life i have been taught to think

if i give him what he wants, he’ll stay

if he asks me , i should give him his way 

and its not that love has never not been about sex 

but that i thought love was only sex

if his sexual needs are fulfilled

i should be too, right?

all the women in my life

are currently being emotionally, physically, and verbally abused by a man 

were emotionally, physically, and verbally abused by a man

or a mix of both,

being emotionally, physically, and verbally abused by a man but not realizing it

so all i've had as role models are

weaklings afraid to say no and testosterone and alcohol filled dickheads

so the only thing that is correct 

is the tension when i walk into a room, walking on eggshells, and the fear

because it feels amazing to have freedom from your abusers

but once i did, i felt like a piece of me was missing

like they had to be there for life to be normal.