THE STARTERS.

Bianca was sulking on a park bench, stuffing clouds of pink cotton candy into her mouth to console her. Her festival date had outright no showed and she was not the type of girl to encounter a good old ghost. In fact, she was often in the opposite position - the marriage license and diamond ring stuffed in the back of her closet were proof of that. She had no right to be upset as it was likely karma coming for her ass but still. The dude had abs and drove a Porsche. She had every right to mourn. 

001; in the middle of the night

The best part of my job is when I get to work with a new photographer and they join me when I order a butt ton of junk food to have on set. Nothing makes me happier than a photographer who isn’t a hypocrite. Speaking of, now I’m craving me some Taco Bell.

Does anyone have experience with child proof fridge locks? Like, do they actually work? This was the third night in a row that Freddie managed to open the fridge to steal my leftovers, so I woke up to a total mess.

Tried to meet up with my Scruff date until I found out that he was in Staten Island. Like you expect me to take a ferry to hook up? Honestly, the nerve to pull that shit when I can find perfectly acceptable lay in Manhattan. @pretendingstarters​

Having a social media presence is really taking its toll on me. It was one thing to have teenage girls with Ben Platt in their profile pictures call me hot and try to make me join their groupchats consisting of prepubescent theatre kids talking about their middle school production of Godspell, but I don’t know how one’s meant to respond to being called both ‘skinny af’ and ‘thicc’ every time I post a picture, it seems pretty damn contradictory. I know they’re meant to be compliments, but I feel like consensus has to be reached. Am I a skinny legend or a thicc bitch? I don’t know if I can’t be both.

Sometimes, self-care is going to the gym or taking the dog for a walk. Sometimes, it’s watching Les Mis at 6am before the rest of the household is awake. You do you. Carpe diem.

That feeling when a drunk asshole decides to ruin everyone’s night by smashing a beer bottle against some other dude’s head… Sometimes I just wanna go full JWoww while at work - If you wanna stay and get your ass beat, you can stay and get your ass beat. You wanna stay and get your ass beat, you can get your fucking ass beat. But alas I’ll keep smiling since the show must go on. Whatever, at least I swindled an extra $100 from him before he got carried out in cuffs. How’s your night been?

I just wasted my dark day. Got invited somewhere. Said YES, like an idiot. Hanging out with friends is a sham… especially if said friend invites you to a fuckin’ church. If church is for you, God bless, but I could’ve slept all day instead. Could’ve ordered food in, marathoned some trashy TV.