Self Discovery
Hello out there!
I wanted to get this journal posted to describe some of my journey over the past few years into embracing who I am.
I figure if there are others out there like me, perhaps knowing of the mental struggles I have worked through might help those like me know they are not alone and that it is perfectly fine to embrace who you are.
Flash back to a young Bellius Maximus wondering why the thought of Violet expanding in Willy Wonka was so interesting. Even as a young boy, I couldn't take my eyes off her as she grew.
I couldn't understand why my eyes were always drawn directly to a round pregnant belly. Perhaps it was because I could never experience pregnancy myself.
As I grew older my attraction to the pregnant form remained both in interest, and a wish/fantasy to experience it. I remember one night pleading to God to work his magic and make me pregnant for the night. I could visualize it so strongly I made myself feel butterflies.
Somewhere in my early twenties I started to feel a pull towards my feminine side. A friend, unaware of my inner desires, joked that we should dress up as women for the company Halloween party. A girl I was interested in at that point, joked that she would help with makeup. Another female friend, a bit more on the plus size as I am, offered a bra, a blouse and skirt for the day. The decision was made to do it and I picked up the clothes from my friend.
I pulled over on the side of the road in the country and slipped the bra on right then and there. I then slipped my sweatshirt back over the garment and kept going to home. I felt a rush of naughtiness and arousal, but also a feeling of belonging. This felt right somehow.
The day of the party arrived and I went to my friend's house so she could do my makeup. She did press on nails, facial makeup and had a wig for me. Seeing a more female reflection in the mirror when she was done was yet again exciting. That first time crossdressing and planning to go in public featured filled water balloons as my breasts. The way they sat against my chest supported by "my" bra was simply amazing.
I ended up winning the costume contest that day at work but it was innocent comments from some coworkers about how nicely I pulled off the look seemed to boister my confidence a bit.
Living at home with my mother at the time kept me from acting any further though. I found the world of breast forms online but never acted. I thought about getting a bra but was too afraid my mom would find it.
Flash forward a few years. I kept looking at pics of items and things I might want to buy someday and finally leaned towards doing it. My biggest fear at this point was how to tell my wife, since she never knew about my crossdressing fantasies.
I worried this would drive a wedge and made myself almost physically ill before finally sitting her down to tell her.
She was of course a bit shocked but also extremely supportive, a huge relief.
I was still too scared to go to a store (or ask the wife) and ask for help sizing so it took some trial and error of guessing bra sizes. The first one was a 36C from Dollar general which was tight and not too comfortable. I bought another one online size 42C range which was also too tight.
Not long after that I decided no more balloons and bought my first pair of breast forms from Janet's Closet. The 42C held them but I knew it was time to get the courage and get a professional fit.
I called the local Catherine's store and asked if they were comfortable helping a man get fitted for a bra with forms. The lady, named Jen, was very polite and suggested I come in near the end of store hours so I'd have a bit more privacy if I wanted it.
I did as she suggested and she came in with the measuring tape and gave me my first official bra fitting. A 48! She brought over a few different cup sizes so we could figure out what would fit my forms the best. She also saw I was struggling with the straps and suggested a way to put the bra on I still use to this day.
Let me just say that first moment wearing a properly fitted bra with my forms was a huge moment for me. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, my curves properly proportioned, the feel of everything. I loved it.
I bought a few bras that day and ordered a few more online from another company that night.
Got home and told my wife I wanted some time alone. After about 25 minutes of self admiration in the mirror I heard a knock on the door asking to come in.
I said yes and my wife came in. I remember wishing she would fully embrace this moment and hoped she might get frisky and to my surprise she did.
Also to my surprise, it seemed to be a turn on for her as well. She expressed how hot it felt to have my breasts pressing against hers.
Flash ahead a few years from that moment and I decided I wanted to get some maternity shirts. I have a pretty big belly and thought those shirts would make me really look pregnant. They sure did.
The last step on my maternity/cross dressing journey came a few days ago. I decided I wanted some maternity pants, specifically the kind with the panel that goes up over the belly. I stopped into Walmart and went to the maternity section, found some XXL and XXXL sized leggings and mustered the courage to go to the fitting room. Fortunately there was no one working there and I was able to try them on unnoticed.
Settled on a pair of XXL black leggings and used self checkout and went home. Wife asked what was in the bag and I showed her. She said put em on and I did. As usual, she showed no hesitancy and helped me embrace who I was all over again.
Last step so far was the decision yesterday to shave off my chest hair. Once I was done I looked in the mirror and touched my belly and I felt like like I was touching my own pregnant belly.
It has been a long, nervous, exciting journey so far. Someday I hope to get a silicone belly to give myself a bit more roundness.
I won't lie...I am extremely fortunate to be married to someone who has helped me (and herself) embrace everything about this. None of it would be possible without her support.
To those doubting themselves or their ability to give in to this kind of thing, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to call ahead and ask for help from professionals. They are there to help their customers.
Embrace who you are.
I love this
