i’ve learned a lot more than this jess ever thought she’d know.

i’ve lived a lot longer than this jess ever thought she could.

i come back here and i wonder how i ever got over these feelings and these thoughts.

i have no advice to give because i have no idea what i did.

there is no magical cure for depression.

there is no way of knowing if you’re going in the right direction

i can only suggest that you find people who care for you just as much as you care for them.

and then you listen to them the same as you’d want them to listen to you.

and then help each other stay alive.

it’s a crazy world and we’re all on some crazy roads.

i’m older now and i don’t think my brain works the same now as this jess.

but i want her to know i’m proud of her.

we had some tough and lonely nights.

but i’m happy to announce- we survived.

and maybe that means someone will come along that fits me better

or maybe that means i’ll never experience anything like this again

but it’s scary to not know which

because all i wanna do is spend the rest of my life with you

but that is not reality

the reality is that i may never get a love like this again

and i’m okay with that

it swallows you whole until you are nothing more than a piece of it;

there is no sign of who you are in sight.

emotion takes control of your body in ways that no one can explain until suddenly,

you are thinking the things you don’t want

and you are starting to slowly fall apart.

we weren’t gonna leave each other to move onto bigger and better things

we weren’t the people who had every opportunity at their fingertips.

we were simply here, with our life long friends and it felt like we had forever to go.

for a second, we were infinite

which may have been the best part of it all.

and how far gone it is

i’m remembering wearing a skirt to the doctor to show off scars on my thighs even though my mom told me to wear shorts

i’m remembering not thinking that the doctor would try to take advantage of me and wondering why my mommy was screaming on the car ride home

im thinking about the little girl i used to be

and how much i miss her

i’m remembering looking up at my half brother who was a decade older than me and begging him to play

i’m remembering not thinking that we were doing something wrong because he told me i would be okay

i’m thinking about things i never wanted to worry about

and how it sucks that i worry

i’m remembering the stories my mom told me about her dad, a man i trust so much

i’m remembering how i can never look him in the eyes because those stories recant in my ears

i’m wide awake thinking about my innocence

and how i’m never going to get it back

they have all given me a moment of “i just met my new best friend”.

and i was right in every moment.

one of them was a long time ago, before i could even spell the word friend.

she was a girl i hated and i wish that i could be, and now, she has become the best thing that could ever happen to me.

another one was years later, in a small classroom on montana street

she made me fall in love with being weird

she made me fall in love with me.

and now, that principal still lives on in my life.

the third one, i met a few months later

and though she’s changed so much since then,

i knew i would see our friendship through all these years

and now, i still have her hand to hold in my worst moments

the next one was way later, almost 5.

we fell off and on and back off and back on.

we’ve been through so much

and now, you’re the only person i want to call and cry to in the middle of the night

this last one is special because she’s the newest edition

she gives me hope because although she’s young, she’s full of love and support

and i see that even though i met her such a little while ago

and now, i know i can go to her anytime i need a laugh

i have 5 friends.

they all gave me a moment of “i’ve just met my new best friend “

and i couldn’t ask for anymore than these 5.

but also know it’s okay to be okay

and you don’t need to feel guilty about feeling good

because you are allowed that

and you deserve it

and I say that with every last bit of my being

Thank you for being you.

my window was feeding my tiny bedroom the brightest morning light

i look up and i feel tears running down my cheeks

because for some reason,

today is the day that i decide to feel alive.

there’s nothing more that i can do for myself in this moment

except walk outside

and absorb the fate that i have been handed.

but that’s scary

because this will inevitably fail

and if you’re the best

how will i be okay with staring at my future husband or wife and knowing i could have had better?

i will never be able to look at them and love them with as much intensity as i love you

we are easy

we are good

i want to stay in our little bubble forever

just me and you

high school sweethearts until forever

i’m ready to go to prom

graduate

go to europe

and move on

i’m ready to grow up and do everything i used to be scared to do

this is the biggest feat i’ve faced thus far

i’ve never looked at you and realised that you were the leading cause to my destruction

i’ve never looked at anyone and realised that they will be the one to ruin me.

and i guess it’s my fault because i let you in and i let you hit the big red button.

just me and you

maybe a dog or a cat

maybe even two

i imagine nights spent falling asleep in your arms

in a bed that we call ours

maybe we’ll sleep in a pillow fort in the middle of the living room

maybe we’ll lay there for a billion hours

i imagine being married

and growing really old

through sickness and health

with stories to be told

i imagine a future

with your hand holding mine

your arms around my waist

and your kisses down my spine

i was walking my dog down the dark streets of my neighborhood and i remembered us

i remember all the wishes i made upon stars, begging for you to be mine

and i remember the snapchats and facetimes

the giggles and tears

i remember you

and i miss it i think

but i’m so glad that i lost you

because now i have him

and if i hadn’t have had my heart broken by you

i wouldn’t be feeling like this

so it’s okay

i just wish our memories didn’t taint this season

i wish i could be happy without the nagging memory of you living stagnant in the back of my head

i wish

that just for a moment

i didn’t know you.

and that’s not my intention

i want everybody to stay

i am just so incapable of love

and i’m so sorry

i’m sorry for everything

with all the negatives of adulthood come so many positives.

why would you want to stay a high schooler for the rest of your existence when you can grow up, meet the love of your life, and fulfill all of your dreams?

why would you wish this constant misery on yourself when you know that things need to get better?

the truth is that you’re scared and that fact makes me sad for you

because you will never know how it feels to truly grow up, be mature, and live.

i looked at you and i stared and i could tell that you knew i was thinking about something.

your brother was in the seat behind me, playing video games on my cell phone.

my legs were pulled up in the seat because the underside of your dash board leaks.

and we were on our way home.

you need to know how much the past few days have meant to me.

how i officially feel like i have a family.

your house and your home all feel like mine and your life is what i wish i had.

i feel like loving you is what i’m meant to do for the rest of my life and i don’t want to be wrong.

i don’t want to be wrong because standing in your parlor, decorating a christmas tree,

or sitting with your little brother in a tiny booth at dairy queen,

or standing in your kitchen, surrounded by your whole family;

those are the moments and the memories that mean the world to me.

i never want to lose those moments and i never want to lose you because you feel like my soulmate

so on that rainy road in the passenger seat of your car when you asked me what’s on my mind, all i did was grab your hand, smile, and shake my head

because all you ever need to know

is that i love you.