Satellite Dish Ears

I'm not good at goodbyes, so instead I'm just going to tell you how much I love you.

You've been, in every possible way, the worst animal I've ever had the joy to call my partner. You pulled blankets off of couches, bullied the dachshund, ate things not meant for you, jumped on people, dug holes, and killed sparrows. You've done nothing but cause problems since the moment you came home.

I remember getting a text from my brother, you were supposed to be his girl. Chili hated him so much it broke his heart, so we got him a dog of his own. He was so excited to introduce me to this calm, sweet, gentle terrier mutt he found at the local shelter. You turned out to be an absolute nightmare, the devil given canine form, and attached yourself to me in your entirety.

You came into the house, ran straight into a wall, tackled chili to the floor, stole his bed, and shredded all of his toys. Then you two became inseparable. You'd stand at the opposite end of the house from him and you'd bolt at one another, meeting in the middle to tussle and then dashing off to do it again. That only lasted a few years before you two decided not to get along any more, but you're the reason Chili learned how to play, I'm certain.

I'm not going to know what to do with myself tomorrow morning when all the blankets are still on the couch. I never did figure out what you wanted to lay on them so badly for, but I'm glad you got to steal them hundreds of times.

You learned, somewhere along the line, that if you jumped up and pressed your paw against the door knobs while you came back down, the doors would swing open. We had to get baby gates to keep you where you were.

I have to store my beer and soda in cupboards now because you started to bring me cans of warm beer one day out of the blue. I never asked you for them, but you always looked so pleased with yourself that I couldn't help but praise you for it anyways.

You never wanted to do anything unless there was something in it for you. Tricks and tasks were out of the question, you were too damned clever for your own good. We never did find a puzzle feeder you couldn't figure out within a day or two, but you seemed like you enjoyed even the simplest ones anyways.

I hope, wherever you're going, that you keep bringing freshly dead birds and grossly decayed squirrels to people. It was awful. It was so you. You always dropped them when I asked. You never dropped anything for anybody else. I hope there's plenty of bees for you to chase and eat, and that none of them ever sting you in the mouth. I still don't understand how your luck always held out.

You're the worst dog I've ever met, and i wouldn't trade a single second of our ten years for the world. I'll treasure all of the scars you left on me for daring to make you have a bath. I'm putting your box back by the window. I'm so sorry we had to take it away, but you never learned how to jump off of it after you went blind.