I'm Xan or Adras (they/them), Treaty 7 territory (western Canada), background in archaeology/anthropology, MA history of science, sometime museum exhibit designer. these days I'm an urban wildlife educator, restoration ecologist, and environmental health researcher doing community development & public engagement work.
I mainly post art, nature, history, science, and religion (both academic study and esoterica); reblogs generally run on queue.
this is primarily a space dedicated to my household practice and personal experiences as an agnostic revivalist pagan, as well as my research into ancient cultus and syncretic deity worship. I may also talk about Abrahamic theology and demonolatry; I'm a lapsed Catholic and still retain some of my cultural and occult traditions, including veneration of the saints on behalf of my ancestors.
I've been a practising polytheist, diviner [tarot, bibliomancy, cleromancy], and bioregional spiritworker for almost 15 years. I'm primarily a syncretic Mediterranean polytheist working within the Greco-Egyptian, Greco-Bactrian, Canaanite, Phoenician, and Indo-Greek traditions of late classical antiquity. I'm really interested in chthonic worship and ancient mystery cults, particularly Orphism, Mithraism, and the Samothracian rites.
I am currently constructing a revealed mystery tradition dedicated to the Bronze Bull, an unidentified deity who shares features with many ancient storm gods across the eastern and southern Mediterranean. I believe he originates from a Chalcolothic-era Anatolian divinity, though he seems to deliberately appear in a confusing and multifaceted way. for me he is an apatropaic and chthonian figure similar to Ba'al Hadad, Zeus-Aidoneus, or Saturnus-Hammon. I am also exploring possible connections with the pre-Roman Endovelicus and Voltumna.
my daily practice is highly syncretic, largely inspired by the religions of ancient Cyprus, Phoenicia, and Ugarit. I am a hierophoros of Nemesis-Tykhe-Fortuna and a devotee of Meretseger-Salus, Astarte-Aphrodite-Hathor, and Demeter-Renenutet. my household gods are Herakles-Melqart, Twtw, Wadjet-Leto, Aristaios-Nefertem, Hermes-Khonsu, Duamutef, and Sobek-Ares. most cherished of all are the triune of Resheph-Apollon, Montu-Ra, and Shezmu-Dionysos.
I heavily utilize trancework and meditation in my practice, and I also include elements of goêteic magic such as the Greek Magical Papyri in ritual and prayer. I additionally have some experience in Heathenry/Rokkatru, primarily with Freyr, Fenrisúlfr, Níðhöggr, and Jörmundgandr, but this is a separate and mostly peripheral part of my practice.
I take research requests and am always happy to answer questions about any of the above!
common tags in no particular order:
Personal:
my practice (orphism, hellenistic, divination, pgm, death work, bioregional, fenrir)
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I really really dislike the platitude of "it takes 0 effort to not be [transphobic/racist/misogynist/etc.]" cause like...that's more of a self-report than anything tbh!
it can and should take a LOT of effort to deconstruct and unlearn the bigotry instilled in us through sociocultural norms, rhetoric, and institutions, actually! reinforcing systemic inequalities and existing power structures is rewarded (socially, financially, interpersonally) and it takes real work to fight against that! why are you proudly declaring that you've put no thought into undermining these systems or decolonizing your own mind!!
convincing yourself that 'racist' or 'transphobe' or 'ableist' &c. is a discrete group of people to which you either do or do not belong (rather than something that anyone can be in certain situations, even unknowingly, regardless of intention) and that you're 'one of the good ones' is the best way to perpetuate bias & ignorance without even noticing!! maybe spend more time challenging your (and others') beliefs & positions and less time congratulating yourself for being soo totally niceys
Textile Fragment with Artemis and Actaeon
Undyed linen with tapestry-woven coloured wools. Artemis, goddess of the hunt, appears suspended in the air holding a bow and wearing a crown of arrows, while Actaeon stands beside her leaning on a reversed spear or staff. The central and side panels are decorated with dancing figures framed by scrolling vines, floral borders, and scattered red blossoms. In the early Byzantine world, mythological scenes such as this signalled cultural sophistication and knowledge of classical literature. The textile was likely produced in Panopolis (Akhmim, Egypt), a renowned centre of luxury textile production.
Title : Textile Fragment with Artemis and Actaeon(?)
Date : 5th–7th century
Culture : Byzantine (Akhmim (?), Egypt)
Medium : Linen and wool; tapestry and plain weave
Dimensions : 58 × 72 1/16 in. (147.3 × 183 cm)
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ʜɪʟᴍᴀ ᴀғ ᴋʟɪɴᴛ The Ten Largest. 1907. Each piece is tempera on paper (later glued to canvas): 328 × 240 cm (129 × 94 in). The paintings depict ten stages of human life: Nos. 1 & 2/Childhood; Nos. 3 & 4/Youth; Nos. 5-8/Adulthood; Nos. 9 & 10/Old Age. Klint created all ten paintings in 40 days.
*widely praised poetic quote in a foreword by a usamerican translator voice* see this language.... it's not like other languages. sometimes it has metaphors. or abstract thinking. sometimes a word has several meanings. sometimes a lot of meaning can be condensed into two words. sometimes those words even have etymologies. sometimes if you translate idioms or break down the components of words you can get something pretty cool in english. and naturally this gives us essential insight into the timeless national character of its people
Basically, I don't think a rejection of supernaturalism or theism is something that's going to fix people, not inherently.
I think that better scientific and historical literacy plus better critical thinking skills will lead to many supernatural concepts being rejected. A consequence of this will be more atheists. This is fine. There is no evidence that gods punish anyone for not believing in them, and every instance of belief that they will can be traced back to certain socio-economic anxieties or agendas.
I think better socio-economic conditions will also produce an environment where more benign forms of theism and supernaturalism will feel more reasonable, where there's less "you'll go to eternal punishment if you stray from God's holy way" and more "I think God loves everyone and wouldn't allow anyone to suffer eternally" and "I know angels exist because I saw one when my grandma was dying." People like this aren't really a threat, so I'm not worried about them.
My win conditions aren't "nobody believes in God or the supernatural," but "people are better informed and thinking more critically, and the ones who still believe in the supernatural are chill about it."
Here are some ways I think religion could go in a better world. (Note that some forms of religion and spirituality already include these things!)
Doing the right thing (like taking care of people and the environment) is considered more important than having the right beliefs.
Acknowledgment of religion as a social technology that can promote community cohesion and strengthen social bonds.
Acknowledgment of religion as a psychological technology that can give people a sense of order and grounding.
Participation in rituals, holidays, ceremonies, etc. are voluntary, rather than mandatory.
Honesty and transparency regarding the historical origins of holy texts, religious movements, etc. is normalized.
Holy texts are approached as inspirational, rather than infallible.
Authoritarian, hierarchical institutions fall out of favor. Scholars and ritual specialists still exist, but nobody has absolute authority.
Things like appeals to supernatural force ("do this or God will punish you!"), spiritual FOMO ("you'll miss out on Heaven if you reject these teachings!"), and spiritual bribery ("do this and you'll go to the best version of Heaven!") are recognized as manipulative, red flag behaviors.
Acknowledgment that extremism comes out of experiencing things like stress and insecurity, is always fear-based, and is not actually desirable.
Personal mystical practices are acceptable, with the understanding that everyone's experiences are subjective and not indicative of a higher objective truth.
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i understand that you’re saying we shouldn’t strip rapists of their humanity because it excuses them of their actions and everyone can be rehabilitated(?) this might be a stupid question but is it okay for victims to refer to their abusers as irredeemable, evil, subhuman, etc?
this is a good and very honest question and i appreciate it. to start with, i'm saying what i'm saying for multiple reasons; yes, its very true that if we fall for the alluring draw of saying that rape is an evil terrible thing that only evil terrible people can do, it both excuses their actions as inevitable and agency-less rather than active choices made in disregard of a targets wellbeing or consent, there's the matter of falsely accused innocents (happening especially to members of minority groups) facing life ruining punishment, and then it also does make meaningful rehabilitation much more difficult for the people who are willing to go "i have seriously harmed someone in deeply personal, violative ways, and i want to be able to understand the depth of the harm i've caused and make amends for it in what ways i can, even if that just means solo work and therapy completely disconnected from the possibility or idea of getting forgiveness from my victim. i want to be accountable and i am sorry for the damage i've done", because it posits that there is ultimately no point to actually trying to learn or grow or try to understand or empathize with the harm they're responsible, since because they're part of the rapist subhuman group, it will be inevitable for them to strike again as a part of their nature.
but i feel an equally important side of the discussion on the effects of this rhetoric really easily gets left out, as it does for many other topics; what does this actually materially do for victims? and the truth is that if we follow what these implications cause, it gets in the way of actually supporting victims. if we run with the idea that rapists aren't like normal humans, if only bad apples and twisted cruel souls are capable of harming people in this way, what happens when an upstanding patriarch and pillar of his local community gets accused by a young member of the choir? "well, he's a good honest man who's always done right by his fellow man and by his church, there's simply no way he could've done something like that, she must be confused," etc etc etc. the reality is that we live in a culture where rape is highly normalized and accepted in the right contexts, while still being taboo. when dehumanization becomes baked into the conception of people who can perpetrate a harm, the material effect is that those who have sizeable social capital will have both easier access to situations where they can take advantage, and will also be able to deal with and ignore the fallout of the damage better than anyone else.
so going back to your question, i think using the language of "okay, not okay" is less helpful than using language of productivity. its very normal to have complex and painful feelings around abusers and im definitely not saying otherwise, nor do i really think its helpful to limit the emotional expression of people who are already at a baseline going to have a harder time untangling and understanding their feelings around traumatic experiences, and im not saying we should get in the way of that or that abusers, even accountable accepting and apologetic abusers, are owed eventual forgiveness by their victims. i think that victims being able to allow themselves to feel and explore their feelings, including their anger, regret, spite, and more is really important of actually healing from harm. but there's a difference between what you express on a personal individual level, and what you support and argue for as political praxis towards your ideal world. i've felt a lot of retributive fantasies towards my abusers and have seen them in highly negatively charged ways and have described them as such to those close to me over the years, but i still recognize they are people who had the free will and choice to choose otherwise, or to choose to be accountable for the harm instead of running from it. thats really the difference here. frustratedly talking with a close friend about how shitty it is that an ex friend could've betrayed you in that way and how much of a waste of space they are when you thought they could be better is a different thing than seriously arguing or lobbying that we need to make all convicted sexual crimes life sentences in prison to keep dangerous superpredators off the streets
firm believe that not everything happens for a reason, sometimes things are just cruel. and they shouldn’t have happened and it’s not supposed to be a lesson because we never deserved such thing.
hm some people in my inbox got really mad at this specifically. nothing you can say will convince me that some of the pain and suffering we go through is our “fate” no, it isn’t
Everything does happen for a reason. It's just that sometimes that reason is shifting of tectonic plates, or neglected maintenence on a molasses holding tank, or a cell dividing wrong. The entire universe is made of reasons, from the collision of stars to the falling of leaves.
Out of the near-infinite reasons of the past, present, and future, how many of them could have been caused by your actions? Every choice you make is less than a molecule in an ocean of cause and effect.
Yes, there was a reason for the earthquake, flood, or cancer. But it's not your fault. A bullet falling from the sky does not seek out someone who deserves to die. A drunk driver doesn't veer off the road to hit a teenager who just had sex for the first time. Glaucoma doesn't descend on sinful eyes.
Pain and tragedy is not sent to punish or bring glory to a higher power. It simply happens because somewhere in a line of collapsing dominoes, physics and biology tipped one over. There is no moral path that makes you too good for this world, nor too evil. The world simply is.
People have reasons to hurt each other. A dog will bite that hand that feeds if it is also the hand that beats. But another dog will bite a stranger because biting is all it knows.
Everything happens for a reason. Anything can be traced backward in time to an origin, and more often than not that origin is random, innocuous, and completely amoral.
A butterfly's wingbeat is a reason. There is no lesson to be learned, nor action to be taken. Tearing the wings off every one will not stop a hurricane. Terrible and beautiful things will continue to happen, as long as the world exists. The only thing we are destined to face is the indifference of the universe.
It's not fair in a way we understand, and there is no need to invent a comprehensible, controllable system. Everything happens for a reason, it's just not the reason you want it to be.
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Continuing on the topic of connection being not a feeling, but a rather a set of circumstances in which you are engaging and participating, I think a lot of people out there just don't realize how dangerous the way many of us have been taught to think of feelings in relation to spirituality really is.
Like Zan pointed out, Evangelical Christians are taught that positive emotions are actually the Lord moving through them, rather than their own personal reactions to their experiences. Meanwhile, Evangelical church services are deliberately engineered to elicit these kinds of of feelings in people. It's pure emotional manipulation.
Similar ideas are found in New Age spirituality, where "spiritual discernment" is frequently boiled down to "does it make me feel good or not?" People are taught to evaluate politically charged information based on whether it, for lack of a better term, sparks joy. Now, determining whether or not something sparks joy is a wonderful way to decide whether you want to keep your old tea kettle, but here we're talking about information that people will base crucial personal and political choices on.
Meanwhile, New Age influencers do everything they can to make sure they're sparking joy for you. Let's take Paul White Gold Eagle, for example. His videos are constantly talking about things that sound exciting, like messages from archangels, dragons of light, and emerald transmissions. This type of baiting - joybaiting, I'll call it - is meant to hook you emotionally and make you think that this has to be true because it elicits that oooough, shiny reaction. Next thing you know, you've been joybaited into falling down the conspirituality pipeline and you believe some version of QAnon's conspiracy theories.
This kind of thinking is even dangerous in pagan circles. You find yourself thinking about a thing and noticing a lot? You feel an intense pull to study it? You'll find people out there telling you that you have a spiritual connection to it, like, maybe you were part of it in a past life. And maybe you go and get a past life reading, or even undergo hypnosis. And now you, the whitest gal in the surburb with zero familial connections to any Native people, feel entitled to appropriate some form of Native spirituality because you felt fascination with it, or what you thought it was, and now you're contributing to white sage decimation and spreading around some sort of Native-flavored form of neopaganism as if it's actual Native spirituality.
Or maybe you fall in with a neopagan cult leader who uses your fascination to convince you that you knew each other in a past life, and you were led to them in this life so you could continue some important work in this life, and they pull you completely into their bullshit.
Finally, it's dangerous because it encourages stalkers. A lot of stalkers are people with incredibly powerful fixations on others. These types of beliefs get them convinced that their victims are actually their soulmates or twin flames or whathaveyou, and make them feel justified in engaging in stalking behavior.
All of this is why it's important to recognize that connection is a circumstance, not a feeling. Your feelings are utterly irrelevant to whether you are actually connected. What most people take for "feeling connected" is literally just fascination or fixation, maybe reinforced by the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. Real connection is something you cultivate and build, and it does not exist outside of your actual, physical engagement and participation.