squeeky clean

"it bit me" <- current favorite thing to say when I am injured by an inanimate object

having fun scrolling arent u .. freak

if you’re offline or away and i message you something (like a link to a meme or a picture or w/e) honestly just assume that i’m just leaving it there for when you get back and not expecting you to answer straight away. i don’t need you to respond with “hey, sorry, i wasn’t at the computer!” or anything. i was leaving u a gift for later.

This also applies if you’re online and just don’t want to or have the energy to deal with humans in the moment. Just because we have the ability to reply in real time does not mean we have the obligation.

im like a cat i drag the posts to ur doorstep and if ur not there it’s ok, the post will be on ur porch for later

reblog if ur a striminal

#YOU’VE BEEN HIT BY  #YOU’VE BEEN STRUCK BY  #A SMOOTH STRIMINAL

I am so embarrassed that only 31% of us have the good sense to lie when someone asks if we’ve committed a crime.

i have an image i made last night while Not Sober that’s technically accurate but it mentions 9/11 so i will show it to you but you’re not allowed to get mad at me if you think it’s insensitive for mentioning 9/11

Im so confused

GAY

Oh my god they were tombmates. 

i’ve been comprimised 

i laughed for about 349583492547252 years

I’ve waited 2 years for this post to hit my dash again. Totes worth it

the backstory behind these is far funner than the stuff he does

blind guy driving made me fucking lose it

this is really one of those posts that kills you twice huh

#‘do you have a source on him being black’ am i having a fucking stroke

pasta fucks