CW: suicide, self harm, ED
(If you don't want to read my incredibly boring and dramatic origin story, skip to the bold part.)
What's the least dramatic way to start this? Pretend I did that instead of just jumping right in, ok? Thanks.
I have some basic idea of where my negative core beliefs started. Here's a list:
1. In order to be loved, I must be skinny (ED): In fourth grade, my two best friends decided to tell me (on a very crowded school bus) that I was overweight. I told them that I knew and I would work on it, but I actually hadn't thought about my weight at all before that. I didn't know that it was something I had to be ashamed of (and it isn't!! and I still am). They probably don't even remember it, and I don't blame them for my disordered eating, but that was the first time I really believed something was wrong with me.
2. I only ever bother people, so I shouldn't speak up (anxiety): In fifth grade, two girls at my lunch table told me I was annoying. It was just another one of those passing comments that no one remembers, but it is constantly on my mind. I am cooonstantly looking for signs that people are sick of me, and I find them even when they aren't there.
3. I am unlovable (depression): In sixth grade, on a gmail group chat (yeah yes I know this sounds ridiculous), a bunch of people I knew were talking about people who had "crushes" on them. I mentioned that I had never heard of anyone having a crush on me, and one guy said, "I know someone who has a crush on you." My dummy lil eleven-year-old heart was SO excited. I spent two weeks trying to figure it out. I finally asked the guy who said it who it was, and he said, "oh haha I made it up." YIKES, amiright? Def broke my little heart and brain.
Anyway, the point is that I'm sad, ok? There are plenty of other weird ideas I have about myself that have no origin story that I can remember. While I don't have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I have been told by a professional that I have several of the characteristics. I have a hard time trusting people (peep that third point on the list up there). I tend to push people away as soon as I have any suspicion that they have a problem with me. I also fear being abandoned. If you have to boil down all of these things about me, the point, essentially, is that I am A Mess.
I don't pretend to be excused from the shitty things I do just because of my dumpster-fire of a brain. My poor mental health does not give me an out from the mistakes I make.
Now that we have established some of my Sad Kid character traits, I'm going to talk about the past year.
In January, I started a program for mental health at a place called Skyland Trail. I did outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy every weekday for 3 months to learn how to cope with feelings of hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, various forms of self harm, and more. It was incredible. I made lifelong friends and felt so much support. Part of me wishes I could still go to Skyland and get my regular dose of hope from the people there, but I guess I have to figure out how to do that on my own.
Halfway through this program, I was essentially kicked out of the house I was planning to return to in Milledgeville. I don't want to shit on all of my old roommates for that, but one in particular really ruined some of the progress I had made in developing self worth. Yikes pt. 2 imo.
Luckily, I found two new roommates/friends who are wonderful and perfect and care for me really well, so that didn't ruin my life TOO much.
Ok ok time passes blah blah blah I go back to school I bring my cat he is perfect etc. etc.
I fall back into some old eating patterns (no meals for three days, only eating at night, etc.), but my roommates are looking out for me.
I start missing some classes and falling behind, just like I seem to do every semester, and I can't believe I'm messing this up again. I'm losing hope, I'm losing friends, I hate myself, I don't know what to do. I'm self-harming almost every night. I go home one weekend. I find some prescription pain pills for the headaches I got last October. I take three. No, five. No, ten. I realize these pills won't do what I want them to do on their own. I go to bed, high on painkillers.
I tell some people. I guess they're concerned? I don't really know.
I go back to school. Six weeks go by. In that time, I start seeing a new therapist. She sucks ass, but I don't know that yet. I'm too far behind in school and I realize I need to withdraw from the semester. I talk to my advisor. I tell her I need to talk to the therapist and I have an appointment Monday. She tells me to withdraw after the appointment.
October 28th, Sunday night, I find the pills again. I take a bunch, then wash them down with too much alcohol. I don't want to do this anymore. It gets hard to breathe. I tell my roommates. One sits with me until we think it's safe for me to go to sleep.
I go to see my therapist. I tell her, "I've been trying to kill myself." She tells me to go home and get some rest?? So I ask to see someone else. She talks to someone and sends me to see him. He says, "So, [therapist] tells me you've been having thoughts of self harm?" I blink. "Um, no? I tried to kill myself last night." He says, "OH. Crap." (I tell everyone this part because it made me laugh so hard.)
I'm sent to a crisis center, then to an emergency room, then to a hospital. I'm there for five days. I fucking MISS HALLOWEEN????? I go home.
Over the past two months, I have lost friends. In the time when I needed people most, I was ignored by some of the people closest to me.
(NOTE: NOT ALL OF MY FRIENDS DID THIS AND I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE STICKING WITH ME I LOVE YOU BLESS YOUR SWEET BABY HEARTS)
Uhhhh, I'd like to say things are getting better. I am seeing a new therapist and going to my psychiatrist more often. Also the dentist because we love a queen with clean teeth. Things are still really really hard and my brain is still an ass to me. I am working on it.
Probably some people will read (or skim through -- it's so long) this and say something like, "Wow, what a dramatic dumbo." To that I say, "Yes! I am very emotional and ridiculous and that absolutely comes across as dramatic. You are valid in your assessment. Ok have a good day."
lmao if u read the whole thing comment "hit or miss, i guess they never miss huh" !!!!!