feral mammal

Customer: Oh wow

Me: Is everything alright?

Customer: Oh yes, it’s just that you’re so good at this, I thought you were a recording at first

Me, internally: Your, “most people only call me a robot *after* they know I’m Autistic,” joke is an inside thought until you can get to Tumblr; same with the, “script writer,” bit.

[image description: a screenshot of tags by tumblr user uwuplasmiusuwu that say the following: “#disabled humor #autistic culture #thank you whoever liked this so that I could find the post again #MY PHONE ETIQUETTE IS FLAWLESS #IM SO SMOOTH I DONT GOT FRICTION #WHY AM I FAILING THE TURRING TEST?!?!” /end ID]

Me: This is Ebony at—

Patient: Goddammit, why do they only have their fucking voicemail?!

Me, sensing bullshit: You’re trying to reach the *other* department, aren’t you?

Me: Hi, this is Ebony calling from your doctor’s office

Patient: *hits buttons*

Me: Hello? Are you still—

Patient: Oh my god!

Me, trying not to laugh: Nope, just Ebony.

Patient: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I thought—

Patient: “To confirm your appointment, please press 1.”

I have no choice but to break down in helpless laughter as I try to reassure people, “I’m not at all offended, this is just the [3rd to 14th] time today someone’s told me that.”

Me: Hi this is Ebony at—

Patient: My name is [redacted], date of birth [redacted], and my phone number is [redacted].

Me: Okay, could I have your address to sign into your chart?

Patient: *rattled it off*

Me: Great! Okay, what can I help you with today?

Patient: Make my doctor call me.

Me: Can I have a few more details? What problems are you having?

Patient: Ugh!

Patient: Speak to a representative.

Me:

Me, holding back tears: Friend…

Patient: NOOOO— *hangs up*

[I did call back, but I needed to laugh first]

____

Me: Thank you for choosing [Practice], and have a great day!

Patient: Aww, I was gonna say happy holidays.

Me: Oh, same to you.

Patient: Wait, that wasn’t a recording??

____

Patient: My date of birth is [tomorrow].

Me: Happy early birthday!

Patient: Huh.

Me: Something wrong?

Patient: Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but do you know what the Turing test is?

Me: Sir, I’m gonna be so honest with you. I am sitting on my hands because the urge to do a Siri bit is *strong*.

Patient: But that’d be fucking hilarious!

Me: Yes, but this is a doctor’s office. They wouldn’t want to ding me for being funny, but the quality team would have to.

Patient: Aww.

I want you to know that 1.) you are the first person to pull this and 2.) I need it framed on my wall.

it’s cat’s day (in Japan)

and then there was a space where the trainer could write in a description of the dog. this was mostly useful if we had two dogs in a kennel run who were hard to tell apart at a quick glance, so you could write in something like "small ears" or "short muzzle."

most of us were pretty good at recognizing dogs, though, especially if they'd been there for a while. it was usually only really relevant when the dogs had just arrived and we didn't know them yet. so it didn't get utilized a lot, honestly

i think at its peak, we were posing a group of dogs for promotional/fundraising pictures, and this particular dog was distracted

and so, of course, more than one trainer started excitedly chirping "DEAD PEOPLE DEAD PEOPLE DEAD PEOPLE!" to try and get my dog to look at the camera

above all else, she loved to pick up and carry things on command. often when we were working on retrieving stuff, i would have to literally hold her back just so i had a chance to even say the command first. and then she would happily dive face-first onto whatever object we were working on that day

but she and her human partner work at a hospital