pookha's blog

“Luz Noceda!” Mr Dickinson called. Luz stepped forward out of the line of people who tried out.

“Ocean, Ocean,” she repeated to herself over and over in her head, wishing to make it so by affirmation.

“You will be playing Jane Doe.” Mr Dickinson was looking down at his clipboard so he didn’t see her face fall. She controlled it quickly and thought that only Clara had noticed. Clara had actually apologized to Luz recently for how she’d treated her in their Freshman and Sophomore years and they were feeling their way around a new friendship. Playing softball with her and Vee had made a huge difference.

“Sorry,” Clara mouthed at her and Luz shrugged, but smiled a tight smile. Jane Doe was a great role, a lead role, and she’d get to be creepy as fuck and that was something.

“Clara DeLisle!” Mr Dickinson called and Clara took a step next to Luz, who held out her hand. Clara gripped it so tightly it almost hurt.

“You will be playing Ocean.” He looked up and saw her standing hand in hand with Luz and smiled. Luz squeezed Clara’s hand, trying to be happy for her and almost succeeding.

“I know you wanted to play Ocean. I’m sorry,” Clara whispered. The apology wasn’t necessary, but it was nice.

The rest of the cast was announced and Luz grinned as Ethan found out he was going to be Ricky. He was one of Vee as Luz’s friends from camp and she was happy to see him get a role. It also wasn’t what he tried out for, he had wanted to be Mischa.

“Okay, here’s your scripts. We’ll have a read through on Friday. Some of you may already know these songs, but remember this is the Teen Edition and we will be performing it that way both to keep the license and to avoid nonsense from the School Board.” He looked directly at Luz. “Understood?”

Luz sighed internally. She hadn’t been in trouble for nearly a year, but once you had a rep with the teachers, you always did. She nodded along with everyone else.

Luz watched the backs of the students who hadn’t been cast leaving the auditorium. That had been her the last two shows she auditioned for, but she finally had a lead role! Not just in the ensemble! She was going to be the best Jane Doe ever. Luz flipped through the script. She’d already looked up the changes to the teen version, so she wasn’t surprised at them, but still sighed internally. She got that some of the songs would be inappropriate, but it’s not like they hadn’t all seen those themes or words before; the internet was right there.

“Hey!” Ethan’s voice made her turn. He was grinning at her. “So, neither of us got the role we wanted, but it’ll still be good. You know I’ve never gotten the role I wanted and it’s always turned out okay.” He hugged her and she stiffened for a second before returning it. Vee still hadn’t told him that it was her at camp and not Luz. Masha knew, but they were partners, so that made sense. Still, it was a hard secret to keep.

Clara came over from where she’d been talking to the girl who’d been cast as Cassandra (they were going with Cassandra instead of Karnak). “I’ll see you at softball practice on Saturday, Luz. You too, Ethan.” She hugged Luz and after a second, hugged Ethan too. He was part of the group that practiced extra with Luz and Vee on the weekends.

“Think I have a chance with her?” Ethan asked as Clara walked away.

“Ooooh, you like Clara?” Luz asked, elbowing Ethan in the ribs.

“Maybe, I don’t know. We talk after practice sometimes and I’ve walked her home before, but I don’t know if she feels anything like that.” He pushed Luz’s elbow away and grinned at her.

“The best way to find out is to ask. Getting shot down hurts; believe me, I know. I even know about getting shot down by her specifically.” It was Luz’s turn to grin at his surprised face.

“You asked her out?”

Luz elbowed him again. “When we were in eighth grade. She said no, but I got over it and I got a baddie of my own.” Amity would be so excited that Luz finally got a role.

“I like Amity. I wish she lived closer, but it’s always nice to see her.” He looked at his phone. “Gotta go. I gotta go to work.” He pushed her elbow away again and waved as he left. Luz stayed in the auditorium reading the script and even got up on stage and sang “The Ballad of Jane Doe,” but the version she already knew. It was going to be a stretch for her range, but Mr Dickinson must have seen something in her tryout. Looking back, she maybe shouldn’t have used “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” from Phantom as her audition song since Christine Daae’s range was more like Jane Doe’s than Ocean’s. Maybe Skara could give her tips on belting and hitting the higher notes with straining. Even with the role lowered an octave, it was going to be challenging.

The janitor finally came to close up the auditorium and she texted Amity as she walked to the Happy Pets clinic. Her message might or might not make it to Amity’s Pensta scroll; connections were sometimes spotty. She’d tell mamá later when she got off work.

Five weeks later she was sweating as she stood in the wings getting ready for the opening. She knew that her mom was somewhere in the audience but Luz couldn’t see her. When she came out in her makeup and the headless doll, the gasp from the audience made her grin, then she was lost in the role. She was proud of herself that even though she missed a note that she stayed with it and got through the performance.

“Good job, Luz,” Mr Dickinson told her afterward. She beamed. It had been a long time since she’d been told that by a teacher in the Human Realm. School was better now but still a trial sometimes. Only softball and having Vee there had made it bearable, but now the theater was also helping.

Luz was still scrubbing her makeup off when Clara leaned over and whispered, “We’re all going to the lake and have a post-opening party. Want to come?”

“Let me check with my mom.” Luz texted her quickly. It only took a moment to get the reply.

Of course you can go. If you need a ride afterward, just call me. Don’t get in the car with someone who’s been drinking. I trust you.

Luz chewed her lip. She didn’t get invited to parties much, but she also didn’t want to drink or smoke. It took her a few seconds to decide. She guessed if she needed to leave early, she could call her mom to pick her up. Or maybe Masha. They had their license already and they’d pick her up. She didn’t want to stay out too late, since she had homework to finish and another performance tomorrow night (and three more next week; she hoped the butterflies would lessen each time).

“Sounds good.” Luz tried to see if she’d missed any of the makeup and Clara pointed a small smudge of white under her hairline.

Half an hour later she was in the front seat of Jake’s car, the senior that was playing Noel. He talked non-stop about Broadway while Luz interjected when she could. She looked into the backseat a couple of times, but Ethan and Clara were making out and she didn’t want to bother them too much.

Jake noticed, leaned over and whispered, “Missing your girlfriend? I’ve seen you with her; she seems nice.I’m missing Mikhail. He’s at Boston U. this year. ”

“Yeah. She’s the best thing that happened to me for sure.” Luz put her head on the window glass and let Jake’s patter roll over her. They were one of the last cars to get to the lake and when they arrived, the party was already going. Someone had set up a big speaker and Bad Bunny was booming from it. Jake bowed to her and flourished his hand. Luz took it laughing and they danced along to the music. He’d learned choreography to “DtMG” at some point and Luz tried to copy him, but was failing miserably. She was having fun, though and that was something.

The song ended to applause from the others.

“Jake’s the best to learn from!” someone yelled from the darkness. It was true; he’d done most of the choreography for the shows.

“Not bad, Luz. One day you’ll get a right foot to replace one of your two left ones,” Jake teased. Luz blinked then laughed as she figured it out.

Someone had made a fire in the firepit and Luz went to sit around it. She found herself sitting next to one of Masha’s friends, but she couldn’t remember their name. They were talking to Jake about the Gravesfield High Queer Alliance and the Spring fundraiser they were planning.

Luz turned when someone tapped her on the shoulder and found Clara offering her a red Solo cup. It smelled of alcohol and Luz shook her head. She didn’t want any beer tonight; she really didn’t like it anyway. When she turned back to the conversation she saw that Masha’s friend had got up to get some s’more’s fixings.

Jake leaned over. “May I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure,” Luz responded, “but I reserve the right to not answer it.

Jake took a breath and asked. “Why haven’t you joined the GHQA? I know you have a girlfriend and we could use your energy.”

“I—I know that… It’s…” Luz paused to gather her thoughts. When she looked down at her lap, Jake put his hand over hers.

“You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry if I upset you.” He squeezed her hand.

“You didn’t upset me, but it’s hard to answer. The year I met Amity, I was in a really bad place, literally, and I had to… let’s say… stand up for what I believed and it was dangerous and people got hurt. But, it had to be done. It’s made me want to just be a teen for a bit and have a girlfriend and do normal teen things like sports and theater, but I know I should be doing something about the world as it is, but I feel like I’ve paid my dues that way for a bit. Damn, I’m babbling.” Luz sighed.

“Not babbling. If you change your mind, you should join. No pressure, though. We’d love to have you, but I understand needing time for yourself.”

“Also, I died.” Luz put her hand over her mouth. She’d only told Amity and her mother. She knew that the others had known or guessed, though.

“For real or like a metaphor?” Jake’s hand in hers was warm.

“For real. I died and was brought back. I had… an experience. You’d call it a near-death experience, but I was actually dead.” She looked up and met his eyes. “Please don’t tell anyone; only Amity and my mom know.”

“I won’t. It’s why you’re so good at Jane, though, you know.” His arms were around her. The hug was safe and warm, like being hugged by Hunter on the few occasions he’d hugged her.

“Yeah. I didn’t think of that until right before our first tech rehearsal, then it hit me. I wonder if Mr Dickinson could see it somehow or if it was just my audition song.” She pulled back and wiped her eyes. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Jake asked.

“For listening. For the hug.” She laughed. “It’s like we’ve been friends forever. I don’t know.”

“Us weirdos have to stick together.” Jake laughed at Luz’s shocked face.

“I… that’s what my other mother says, too.” Luz’s voice shook.

“Other mother; does she have button eyes?” He was trying to lessen the tension.

“No, this isn’t Coraline.” Luz got the reference immediately.

His head turned and he looked up as Masha’s friend came back and handed each of them a long fork for roasting marshmallows, a couple of Graham crackers, and a chunk of chocolate.

“Thank you,” Luz said. They roasted their marshmallows and made s’mores together. Luz wished Amity was there. She would have loved making s’mores. Luz added it to the mental list of things she wanted to do with Amity (she also thought there’d be a good chance she could lick chocolate off Amity’s face and that made her feel more extra warm than just the fire could account for).

She looked up at someone calling for her and Jake. It was Clara and Ethan. They were gathering up all the leads and ensemble players.

“What are we going to do for our final performance?” Ethan asked. Everybody turned to Jake since he was a senior, the assistant director and the choreographer.

“We can’t go too wild because Mr Dickinson had to make some promises to get this approved, so we can’t, like, sing the original songs, but we might be able to do something with the costumes. Maybe we could make Ethan’s spacesuit reveal slightly more sexy or something or maybe my Monique could be a bit more lingerie than acrobat, I don’t know.”

Luz let them bounce ideas around for a while, but then an idea came to her.

“What if I told you that I could do the flying part, but without a harness?” Her heart was thudding.

“How?” Ethan asked.

“Umm, I can’t tell you.” She held her hand up. “Seriously, what you don’t know can’t get you into trouble. I can do it, though. Would Mr Dickinson get in trouble for it?”

“Probably, yeah. It might be too much.” Jake frowned.

“How about I do this?” Luz asked. She turned her back, slipped on a bracelet with a concealment stone and turned back. Her neck showed a clear line and when she nodded her head, it came off and she caught it in her hands.

Clara shrieked, as did Jake and some of the others.

“Too much?” Luz asked. They stared at her disembodied head speaking to them from her hands.

“It’ll certainly get a reaction,” Jake dead-panned. People laughed nervously. Luz turned around again and removed the bracelet.

“Do I want to know how you did it?” Ethan asked.

“Magic,” Luz said truthfully, knowing no one would believe her. When the laughter stopped, she stood there expectantly. She was shaking again. Being social like this was hard. Ethan was the first to see her shaking and pulled her into a hug. Then Jake, then everyone was glommed on.

“Let’s do that. I don’t think I can do the lingerie, but we can do Ethan’s suit reveal and maybe make his lyrics more… I don’t know risque without being like the original?”

“I can work on the lyrics,” Clara said.

“I thought you’d rather do the reveal!” someone shouted from the back of the hug. Luz could see Clara’s red face up close.

“I’ll do that in private,” Clara said boldly to ‘ooohhs and aaaahhs’.

Luz bounced around for the rest of the party, chatting with this group or that and ending up back with Clara and Ethan. When she looked at her phone, they noticed.

“Too late for you, Luz?” Ethan asked.

“Yeah, I need to go.” She started to text her mom.

“Think your mom would drop us off at my house?” Ethan asked. “It’s on the way.”

“I don’t think she’ll mind, but I’ll ask.” Her fingers flew over her phone and a moment later her mom responded.

Of course I can drop them off. Be there in ten minutes.

Luz went to hug Jake one last time. She regretted not having met him for real before this year.

“I think I will join the GHQA,” she told him.

“Next meeting is a week from Thursday after school in the VA lab.”

“I’ll be there,” Luz said. Then her mom was there and she was waving her goodbyes with Ethan and Clara.

The Friday after was the final performance. Mr Dickinson stared at her as she waited for the house lights to go out. “You’re planning something, aren’t you?” he asked.

Luz gulped and was saved from answering by the blinking of the lights.

“Just don’t get me fired,” Mr Dickinson hissed. Luz slipped on the Concealment Stone bracelet and took her place on stage as the music came up. She paused to let the audience catch its breath before she started singing ‘Karnak’s Dream of LIfe’.

When she came off stage, Mr Dickinson was smiling. “I don’t know how you did that, but keep it up. It’s fantastic.” He patted her arm.

He was less thrilled with Jake’s costume change and even less happy with Ethan’s as Ricky, but neither of them pushed too far. Then it was over and her theater season was done for the year, since she’d have to concentrate on softball in the spring. The entire cast hugged each other and Luz made sure to spend extra time with Jake, Ethan and Clara. New friends and old had made it all worth the extra work.

Mr Dickinson caught her arm as she left and handed her something. She looked down at the mask; a half-mask and her heart thudded.

“Are we doing Phantom? You want me to be Christine?” she asked.

“I’m thinking of it for next year. How’d you like to be the Phantom. I think I can convince the licensor and the school board to genderbend the role. If not, maybe Christine. Clara will probably challenge you for the role.”

“Thank you for believing in me,” Luz told her teacher.

“You made it easy this year. I think you’ve grown up.” He looked at her seriously.

“More than you know. I need to go and meet my mom and sister.” As she walked away, she sang out.