yikes

I don't understand everyone's obsession with gender. Everything always has to be placed in a male or female box and I hate it. I truly feel no attachment to any gender. I have breasts and a vagina and I menstruate, but these are features of my body; these are just things my body has without my control. I've always wanted a slimmer, non-curvy frame. I've been fantasizing about having a penis ever since I was a child. Dressing up in makeup and women's clothing is fun but it feels wrong, it feels like a costume. But I am not a man. I am neither man or woman and I'm not confused. I just live in this body and everyone always tells me what I'm supposed to do with it because of the gender they think they see. I hate how gendered this world is. It drives me crazy. I just want to exist and I want people to stop looking at me like they know me better than I do.

I started a lenormand journal where I do 3-card spreads and write down my question and the answer I get from the cards and I'm really excited about it. Already it's so much clearer than doing tarot and I'm sure my spirits are thankful that my dumbass will have an easier time understanding what they're saying lol

I'm tired of trying my best and my best never being good enough. I'm told I'm a lazy sack of shit when I don't have a job and I spend my time helping my mom sell at farmer's markets, then when I get a job I'm told it's not good enough and her husband has a problem with me even breathing near him because I live here. Meanwhile, my parents go on vacation and I'm busting my ass chasing deer out of the yard because they left the fences in complete disarray and all the wild animals are destroying the land. And I'm still going to get a speech about what a lazy sack of shit I am because I'm unemployed when her husband gets back, I promise you. My car broke down and I have no mobility, no money, no where to go, nothing to do, and I feel like an absolute failure in my mid thirties. Nothing is worth it or good enough for anyone and I'm all alone and a recluse with no friends and no partner and no hobbies and I just want to fucking kill myself.

I am so tired of failing and humiliating myself