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[EDIT] Jan 22, 2016-

I wrote this post summer of last year, and I was still a bit shy to post it.. So, I guess I let this blog sit.  But, I want to use it! Keita Takahashi’s daily postings being an inspiration, I wanna *try* to post daily on what I’m working on or things that inspire & make me happy~

I did a few things I put on here! I’ve kinda picked myself back up, & have been working on some neat things! I also did start streaming and that has def helped me get work done & meet new people as well. I wanna finally use this blog and keep trying my best in 2016!

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[June 2015]

The past year or so has been an interesting & difficult one.  It consisted a lot of not knowing what I’m doing or what I wanted anymore, or if I even wanted to continue pursuing the gaming industry (especially with the problems in relation to women in gaming -- it's a scary world out there).  

I did a lot of illustration work for the past 2 years, but though I was still doing art, I found myself drifting away from videogames in general.  I’m not really sure why that even happened.  Maybe it’s easy to forget things and lose sight when there’s detours and distractions.  Due to a turn of events I was stuck in a depressive state for over a year, which didn't help at all because it made it very hard to do anything.  Looking back, that's a lot of wasted time but, also I realize it's ok because self care is important too, & for anyone who has suffered from depression you'd know how hard it is to even get out of the state or do even the simplest things.  Beating myself up more is the last thing I should do.  It's important to pick yourself up and keep trying, even if it's "alone".  It's also important to remember that even if there is wasted time, everyone grows at their own pace and it's never a failuer until you ultimately quit.  So, to anyone having a tough time, keep trying & please do your best too!

I tried my best to remember why I wanted to go into games in the first place, and held onto why it was important to that younger me.  Though I felt very disconnected at the time (and still do a bit)  I kept the goal in my head that it was what I wanted, and there was no other place I'd want to be.

Last week was E3, and though I didn't really do much there but hang out with friends at Devolver, and dinner after, the whole week was still very inspiring to me.  The thing about large events like E3 is they're very hectic.  The highlight for me (at any large event) is usually just being able to see friends you hardly get to see and being surrounded by good company.  My friend Joonas was in town, and though I felt very bad and awkward around his friends a lot of the time, he was really nice to invite me to hang out with him and them as well as visit a few game studios.  I got to meet new people, and got to get to know others a bit more.  And I'm very grateful for that, because being surrounded by lots of talented people who make lots of great things makes you want to work harder too! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

Last week, I also realized how different I am from other devs (or people in general) & how out of place I felt (but maybe that's a personal irrational thought).  But, then again, no two people are the same.  One problem is I'm extremely shy and still not used to talking to new people who are my peers in a world where almost everyone knows eachother.  Networking is always key, but I'm like a dog that is good with one or two people they trust and are close to, but bad with new people U｡･ｪ･｡U.  I know it's something I should work on, and maybe sharing these logs/myself will help be more vocal (or approachable?).  

Also, stemming from that shyness is I still feel weird calling myself a developer and panic when people ask me if I am.  I'm sure that's from feeling like I haven't done much than illustration work and game art here and there, but nothing prominently linked to me. Joonas would nudge and chime in “you are one”, as well as a few of my other friends -- “you do game art!”.  Maybe someday I’ll feel confident to say I am, but for now I feel like a baby!

While hanging out with everyone there were mentions of making a "game a week" or just streaming working.  I feel those are things I want to eventually try with this blog, and it'd force me to make more things.  I think maybe if I stream working I can talk to people and get to know the people who like my art, and it would also keep me busy to get some work done.

My experiences and personality may be different from other people.  So, I thought it wouldn't do harm to share those thoughts and experiences on my personal journey in game development on this blog.

This post is already pretty personal, but I want to be more vocal with my thoughts because I am such a shy and quiet person.  I've never been too good at sharing deep personal feelings because of the fear of being judged by peers.  But, I want to be able to share and be more honest to myself, and others, as well as put those personal feelings into the things I make.  ( ᐛ )و

I wanna thank my friends Paul, James, & Joonas for always being around and helping me through tough times, as well as helping me keep my head up. As well as Adam & Maltine for giving me opportunities during my slump. I also want to thank Meishi Smile, & the Zoomlens family for opportunities, & experiences, but most of all helping me always want to be more expressive and honest with myself. And thank you to everyone else who also stuck by me~