PolykinDumbass

I won't drop my name here, but y'all can call me Bazelii (Ba - zeal - ee). We have no system name.

We're from the states and oh god oh fu-

^This is outdated, but we forgot how to edit it

Dividers by: @/ cafekitsune

[☆ and Bazelii were co-fronting during this paragraph, and now I don't know how to fix it :')]

My main kintypes are godkin and cladofeline. I won't post about godkin very much for personal reasons.

Our host is a polytherian (polyotherkin?) and has more kintypes than I can count as I identify with nearly everything, and from my spiritual belief as godkin.

Some of us a spiritual, some psychological, some both. Many of us are either suntherian or contherian.

We have a list of (almost?) all of our kintypes:

We're disabled and neurodivergent. We don't post here much cause we used all our spoons and we're waiting for the next shipment to come in.

I'm (Bazelii) the host of a system, but we're not really gonna post about that because it's not a very big thing to us. We're undiagnosed, and not sure what kind of system we are. We're a traumagenic system.

We have no opinion on endos, tulpas, or non-trauma systems. We simply don't care. Please don't bring discourse here.

We have at least 26+ alters, but the main ones are:

☆ [not really aers name but a code for privacy] (Godkin) ae/aer/aers (auxiliary he/they)

Bazelii (human? Otherhearted bazelii from sonaria) nonpronominal

Estel (demon? shapeshifter? They don't know either) they/them

An unnamed werewolf/wolf/lycanthrope that will see this later and PLEASE ADD YOUR NAME. (- No ♡).

Jaylin (demon shapeshifter and fictionkin) she/(they?) please update when you see this

Other fragmented alters that are so unorganized we can't even tell when they front.

Etc.

We don't specify who's posting, I don't think we know, either.

Our Dni - racist, ableist, homo/transphobic or exclusionist, religious blogs outside of alterhumanity, right wing and/or conservative, anti-alterhumanity, anti-agere/petre, pro cringe culture, terfs/swerfs/radfems, "superstraight"*, system discourse, dsmp discourse, zoophiles, nsfw blogs, etc.

*prefering to not date trans people is okay, making an entire identity out of it is not. It's transphobic.

I shit you not I have been racking my brain over this for months now. He's so much crueler than shown in the books (And might also be crossed with IT from Don't Take The Cat Home), and I can't figure out if it's a past life thing or an alter thing since we're also a system, but it's not simple because we all kinda share memories somehow.

I knew I was definitely a Wings of Fire kin for a long time now. Trying to figure out what tribe was a struggle, as it would flick between Icewing, Rainwing, Nightwing, Seawing, and Hivewing all the time. But it always usually circles back to Ice/Night and that's the most comfortable one no matter how "edgelord" that seems at first glance.

Then the similarities to Darkstalker started showing up. I somehow know exactly when his birthday is despite it not being in canon, and we have the same birthstone. I was also supposed to be born under a full moon, but ended up a little early under a first quarter instead. I also have a little sister that's oddly similar to Whiteout despite not having the same condition, and the loving mom and asshole dad thing is also there.

You'd think with the way I'm describing it that it would be a kin thing, but I genuinely can't tell. It also doesn't help that I'm clinically delusional either. These new meds are fucking doing something to me man.

Also the Peacemaker switch kinda lines up. I don't remember dying, and I definitely still feel like I'm trapped in a "lesser" form.

There's a main difference from canon that I can point out, actually (spoilers for Darkstalker Legends):

In canon, when dealing with Indigo, Darkstalker traps her asleep inside a wooden carving.

In my memory, I trapped her awake. She couldn't speak, breathe, or move, but she could see and hear around her. She had to watch Fathom think that she abandoned him.

That's the only main difference I can think of. I don't think I was in love with Clearsight. I was fond of her, enjoyed her company, but I wasn't IN love with her. It was platonic. I guess I assumed that I would fall in love because I saw it in the future, but that didn't actually mean I was just going to fall in love with her. I don't think I ever did, but I did care about her.

I don't remember regretting much, except maybe scaring Whiteout during Arctic's execution. Did kinda feel bad about that.

I do have pretty low empathy even now, but some of the things I did I still don't see a damn problem with. In hindsight, Clearsight's earrings were definitely a mistake though. But everything else wasn't even that big of a deal as far as I remember. I guess I should have realized that "soul" was a metaphor.

(Editing this in to mention the Icewing plague because I totally forgot about that. I do remember doing this in my memories, but that was mostly because I was horribly racist to Icewings. My problem was just with Arctic and it really should've stopped with that, but with the war going on I guess it shifted to all Icewings instead of just him. If I had the chance again, I would not go through with this, because I'm only realizing now that that was actually horribly fucked up of me.)

Then there's IT. The cat. I'm not sure how it ties in, but it's closely connected to the Darkstalker thing somehow. It definitely shows the cruel side with no remorse, but it's more than that. I'll have to come back to this when I figure it out. (Also, go check out that game. It's fucking amazing. I'm near-completely desensitized to all genres but this is PEAK horror I fucking love this game 10/10.)

Obviously, I know right from wrong objectively, but I think morality might be subjective.

Anyway, if I keep talking about our Darkstalker-and-cat connection, then I'll have to start talking about our Lucifer alter because he ties directly to them. But that boy deserves his own post because holy shit.

Idk I just wanted to ramble for a while. I'm not really sure how to tag this.

Currently distressed that I can't interact with the metaphysical.

The abyss under the ground, the things I see where the walls should be, the air around me being a tangible object to manipulate, my phantom limbs clipping through objects that I can't.

Things I can't touch, and things I shouldn't be able to.

It's species dysphoria in a way I can't describe. I shouldn't exist, except that I should, but not in this way.

I should be metaphysical. I shouldn't be able to interact with the objects around me. The fact that my hand leans on the desk instead of phasing through it is... wrong. I shouldn't exist. I don't exist. I don't want to exist. I hate this.

I want to phase into the void below the ground. To float through it, be who I'm meant to. But I can't phase through objects, phase through the ground like I should.

I can see it. I can see it. Not with my eyes, but it's right there, so close I could touch it. But I can't.

I've never thought of myself as human. I'm another alter in this system I'll get lost in. I may never front again. And I hope I don't, for this vessel's sake. I've come closer to ending it all than anyone else has yet. I'm not sad, not depressed, I'm not suicidal, but I shouldn't be here.

I'm not going to do it. I can guarantee ☆ would have my head on a stick if I so much as suggested this. Ae's very possessive of aer's vessel. I'm not genuinely considering the act.

But this extends beyond just fronting. I don't feel right in any form that I take.

Inside the mind, when we're not fronting, we all have an "appearance" that we take. Most of us are shapeshifters, some more than others. Most of us choose what we look like, starting over as a new beginning for us.

I can't decide what I want to look like. Nothing feels right. The others don't mind so much, as we don't recognize each other through sight. But I just don't feel like me. I don't feel like anything. I don't feel anything, at all.

I don't want to exist. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here. I'm currently front-stuck, which is only going to end badly for all of us.

As I'm typing, I can feel my tail clipping through the bed under me, into the void. I want to reach down, feel it, and I can't. It hurts.

Something's watching me from the void. I can feel it. Eyes burning into my back from below me. Mocking me. I can't get to them. I hate being looked at, observed. They know this. Taunting me. I don't exist, they shouldn't be able to see me. And they can. And it makes my skin prick and burn. I don't have skin. Why do I have skin? When? Why am I here? Who am I? Stop looking at me.

I can feel something pulse in my arm. In the vein. Just one. ☆'s starcore in our chest is burning hotter. Ae's almost here. Maybe ae'll front instead, and I can go back inside. There's bugs under my skin. Not bugs. Crawling? No. I can't tell. There's nothing there. I know there's nothing there. But I can still feel it.

Okay, I'm sending them home before we have an episode, thanks. Last thing we need is another attempt. I stop fronting for two hours, and this happens. Great.

No one freak out about this. This is a relatively normal occurrence that we're handling.

I think this started because someone started reading the strange appetites hazbin fic on a03, and the abilities mentioned are... so uncannily close to ours that it makes us ache. Great fic tho, check it out.

Signing off,

- ☆