yakov little get behind me

Background

How does one engineer a mixed drink that evokes Daniil Dankovsky? The natural suggestion for any Pathologic cocktail would be an absinthe base, given its general acceptance as the real-world counterpart of twyrine. However, this is not a Stamatins cocktail (I have seen a recipe that demands this title quite recently, thank you Jon, and have zero desire to attempt it, unlike Jon) or even a Pathologic cocktail: it is the drink that characterizes the Bachelor, a ritual that allows the player (or watcher) to step into his experience. It is a drink the Bachelor would drink as an element of his obsessive micromanagement of his own neurochemistry.

Alcohol is a depressant. Therefore, as the Bachelor, we should understand that we will kill ourselves if we drink only alcohol. The natural solution is caffeine. The Bachelor is a man of refined and pretentious taste, not an Irish coffee person, but also a person who is also determined to get fucked up: therefore, an espresso martini is indicated. But not a typical espresso martini. Daniil Dankovsky is a person obsessed with etymologies and first concepts; a traditional martini is made with gin. Gin is also the answer to the question of absinthe. I have had absinthe only once, but I remember it being offensively botanical; a strongly botanical gin, therefore, will support a similar "medicinal" profile. And we do want a medicinal profile, in order to evoke the drugs that would only ever have been over-the-counter in the early 20th century, which the Bachelor loves. My previous research has also suggested that gin is the best spirit from which to get "dark academia wasted," (1) which similarly makes it a strong contender here.

But we need more medicine. Wormwood is an herb used extensively in historical European medicine, which also contains thujone, the apocryphal "active ingredient" in absinthe (not currently understood to be hallucinogenic, but Bachelor probably thinks it is). It is also used in many aromatic bitters-- which, generally, will supplement a botanical flavor. In searching for an herb that could possibly be paired with coffee, Jon suggested rosemary: another thujone-containing herb, which is also marketed for its antimicrobial effects and is said to increase neurological function. The Bachelor loves this. We are never getting the plague and we will solve everything.

Now we just need a way to add rosemary. Espresso martini recipes are inconsistent on whether or not to include simple syrup, but I think it would make the whole thing taste slightly more aggressive in a borderline offensive/drinkable way, so let's try it. Jon said they might have rosemary simple syrup at BevMo, but they didn't so I made it at home. Having never made simple syrup before, it was a lot easier than I expected (I did it while on different substances last night). Just add 1/4 cup water, 1/4 cup sugar, 1 tbsp dried rosemary to a saucepan; heat and stir; boil for 60 seconds; turn off the heat and leave alone in the pot for 30 mins, strain. I got about 1.5 oz this way.

As for the 'espresso' itself, I don't have that so I used a high-speed dark roast pour-over coffee brewed as strongly as possible, which I let cool to room temperature before shaking or else it would be a bomb. I thought it would be best to use a coffee I liked, but unlike in a normal espresso martini I've found that the coffee is easily overpowered (by what, I'm frankly still not sure) so I'll probably grab an espresso cold brew from the grocery store today.

Method (this is the recipe)

2 oz coffee (espresso, cold brew, cooled drip in a pinch, etc. -- this will affect the flavor)

1 oz coffee liqueur

2 oz gin (I used Drumshambo Gunpowder; anything botanical-forward will do)

1/4-1/2 oz rosemary simple syrup (see above, make in advance; I used 1/2 but suggest trying 1/4 if using weaker coffee or if you don't like a sweet cocktail). if using an oral or needle-less syringe garnish as pictured above, it can be cute to fill the syringe with rosemary syrup and inject or leave it in the drink to slowly infuse, in addition to syrup in the shaker or by itself as the least-sweet option

2-6 dashes of aromatic bitters (ideally containing wormwood), depending on the strength of your 'dash' and of your character

Ice for shaking

Combine everything in a shaker.

Shake until the shaker hurts your skin. (I went for a brief shake because my coffee was still slightly warm, so I knew it would dilute quickly.) Pour into a martini or Coupe glass. I don't think Eva owns any martini glasses because she doesn't strike me as excessively discerning in her at-home drinking, but I think she has plenty of Coupe glasses due to the breast association, so the Coupe makes sense to me in terms of Dankovsky's access to glassware. Enjoy pretentiously.

Tasting notes

The initial impression is overwhelming sweetness. This probably has to do with the rum + simple syrup combination. But not a normal sweetness. A cough-drop sweetness. The sweetness demands your immediate attention, but is undeniably colored by an almost indescribable herbalism. (The cocktail doesn't even particularly smell like coffee-- mostly herbs.) It's not too remarkable at first, but once the drink is swallowed, a medicinal flavor sets in that made my palate actually hurt after the first two sips. I did get used to it, which might or might not be a good sign. Alcohol is recognizable, so I wouldn't exactly call it smooth, but an identifiable "spirit" kick is not even in the top 3 flavors, two of which I'm not sure I have words for. The coffee didn't come through nearly as much as I expected it to-- possibly because I used pour-over, possibly because coffee is a familiar flavor to me as opposed to some others here-- but it certainly informs the experience. About halfway in, I ended up adding a bit more coffee to the glass to make it palatable enough to finish, which is not typical of my relationship with coffee. (Editor's note: more bitters can also help.)