a life of a young adult through gifs and texts

let’s go backwards

I just got home from going bowling with my family and their friends...

I saw my best friend’s story of her and other girl friends going out in their cute ass fits and make up and the only thing I wanted more than anything was to look as good and hangout with the hot girl group :’( But I couldn’t because I was with my family and we were going home and that was that. I don’t have the option to do things at my own choosing. It has to have had consultation from everyone I’ve ever met in my life and their grandmothers blessings.

I thought about if I had no rules and no one’s opinion to consider, the only thing I wanted to do was to go out with my bestie and her friends and be a hot girl and have jun flaunting being a hot girl. 

Yet, here I was in the back of the family SUV almost at our one way road and I knew I had no choice. I had no control. If it wasn’t my mom, it would be my boyfriend. Which is the perfect segue to transport us to a conversation a few hours ago...

“Okay I have to tell you something and uhhh **** called me at 6 in the morning today because she was in the hospital from being drugged at Ricks last night. Of course I wasn’t awake at that time to answer the call, but she texted me and said she was hospitalized. I hope you’re not mad.”

Here’s a question for you reader: Would you have thought that entire situation would have made me mad? Do you think I would be mad about that? Why the fuck would I be mad about that? Unless you fucking roofied the girl yourself.?

I said that exact sentence to him and he said why am I acting like this? My voice and tone are being mean. “Bulgan, why are you being like this? 

Excuse me, what do you mean, sir?

So I try to pull myself together and just mutter things like okay and sure. After quite a few roundabouts in the conversation world, we seem to be making headway for wrapping this conversation, and I say “ I am glad she’s home and I’m glad she’s okay”. “Are you sure?”

Another question for the reader, would you have answered that as “Yeah, me too” rather than “Are you sure”. SO you’re probably thinking holy shit she wouldn’t want this girl to be okay? Jesus something really bad must’ve happened and this girl wants revenge. 

(Un) Fortunately nothing of that sort has happened. Although maybe it has. It is pretty unclear.

But because I’m writing this, I’ll tell you my side. This girl who’s 7 years younger than my partner has been in love with him and has wanted to use every single use to contact him and to have him by her side. He has. Because they’re good friends. But I think her motive is much more than just friends. But my partner apparently just doesn’t see it. In his eyes, it’s just this nice friend needing his help for the most ridiculous things like borrowing a pencil for her exam that she’s running late to or having him create a playlist blend together because he simply did not enough about metal rock!!! “WHAT? YOU’RE 27 AND DON’T KNOW ABOUT ROCKKK???? NO WAY I AM SO YOUNG AND I LOVE ROCK. IT MAKES ME SUPER FUCKING UNIQUE AND I AM JUST SO DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE! WE SHOULD WATCH BREAKING FUCKING BAD CAUSE IT’S THE LONGEST SHOW ON EARTH WHICH MEANS I CAN SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOU AS FUCKING POSSIBLE.”

“uh ok yeah sure dude whatever I’m high”

That is a snippet of how I imagine their interaction goes. But also I have no fucking idea and perhaps my partner lets go on things more than he says he does. 

Final question, but in 2 parts.

1. Would you be reaching out to a guy friend you haven’t really talked to in a few months who has a gf, at 6am, saying you’re at the hospital?

1.a. If so, why would you? unless...?

1.a.b.If you’re the author’s partner, what do you make of this? Would you not be suspect that this girl really needs and likes you? Wouldn’t you want to make it clear that is not the case since you’ve clearly found your soulmate that she shouldn’t really think of him as her emergency contact??? 

1.a.b.c LOL idk how the sub labels work but idgaf. Wouldn’t you be updating your partner as these messages and calls are arriving? Not continuing talking to this female (lol I purposely chose female smd) and then telling your partner 8 hours later and somehow still making it her fault?

2. I don’t remember.

I am sad and I feel trapped without any choice in my life. 

Goodnight, strangers. 

My bf is asleep and not talking to me in the evening hours because somehow he just accidentally goes to bed without knowing how tired he is. 

Fuck this shit. 

I am drunk and high writing out my feelings. yay. 

go 25 me :P

This feels like a good time to sit back and type out how I’m feeling right now as a 24 year old grad student who is single... and a bit wine drunk.

I think I want to talk mostly about dating apps. On New Years Eve/Day (2am?), I drunkenly decided to delete my dating app accounts because I believe I felt like I was wasting my time and that I was not ready for a relationship. Yet two weeks later, I find myself wanting to download tinder and hinge again and be available online. 

So it seems that I’m contradicting myself when it comes to dating? A part of me wants to be totally off the grid and let “fate” take control of my dating life and so if I meet someone IRL, then that will be it and happen. There’s nothing I can do about it. But that seems like the chances are slim in this digital age. So I want to enable my dating accounts again even though I know when I had it, the selections were not great and it was not adding value to my value either way. 

Control is what I’m guessing is the main factor here. To sit back and let everything happen to me seems like I’m going to just be here without much progress. 

Free will and fate may be the ultimate discussion. But right now, I want to discuss what my feelings are towards dating and what I want. 

I go back and forth between wanting a relationship. There’s pros and cons to each side. However, I realize that I do want a relationship and someone to share joys of life with. I am not someone who is dependent or is co-dependent so it’s not vital for me to find a partner. But I have a deep want and need for it even though I know I am not my perfect and best self. However, I learned that you can still grow when you’re in a relationship and you should. It doesn’t have to be a stage in which you’re already perfect in. This helps you and your partner learn and grow while still enjoying time with each other. 

I downloaded a new app tonight because I was curious but it is a bit hard to figure out. I might just go back to tinder and hinge because why not? Or should I stay off them and hope to meet my husband somewhere magical? 

Damn. 

It’s fucked. and it’s embarrassing. I still can not believe he is still the center of my attention.  

I had a great night with my friends, my suite-mates. They are wonderful and we had great convos. I’m still talking to Chicago from November which is exciting. But yet I could not unfocus from him. 

I know he has a new girlfriend. How lovely. I’m happy for him. 

I can just imagine him at the beach with her, admiring her body in the sunlight and the way she laughs when the wave hits her legs and the water is a little chilly. He probably grabs her around her waist and drags her into the water playfully. They watch the sunset. Have deep talks. Get a little drunk together and dance with him being stupidly bad at salsa but he is unaware. Do  crosswords together. Talk about the new political news because they’re both into that. I could never. I never cared for this country anyway. My immigrant self could never. 

Just almost three months ago, he was texting me he still cared about me. Happy face? Sad face? I’m unsure. Probably a little bit of both. It wasn’t enough to fight for me or make it work with me. 

I feel like we really could’ve been great together if we gave us a real shot. Knowing what we did wrong, we could’ve built a new relationship on a stronger foundation. I’ve always felt attracted to him. In a way that was never justified. I was always confused why I felt such a strong, magnetic feeling toward him. Almost made me think we were meant to be... Silly :) Reminds me of the Hemingway ending of the Sun Also Rises. 

I am sure he is just a lesson to be learnt. But why is it so hard to get over?

Really can’t tell if it’s actually about him or just my pride. How could someone not want to fight for me? I’m amazing. 

My amazingness and self worth is not at all questioned. I love myself. I know my worth. So it makes me think he either did not appreciate me or I just was not his cup of tea. Which is valid right? Everyone can make their own choices. We’re not always going to be chosen.

Then why waste those years? Meant nothing? Maybe. Probably. 

I know he broke up with me because “I didn’t love him enough” but I think the opposite is true. I loved him too much that I let him do anything. I did anything to keep him in my life. I would do the least to show my affection, my longing towards him so I would not suffocate him because that was expressed in our past. Looking back, my response was completely appropriate given his past behavior. He once literally told me he was not looking for a relationship. Yet last year he broke up with me out of the blue because I didn’t open up enough...Right. That’s my job to open up and reveal myself at his disposal and when I wouldn’t, I was less worthy of pursuing. 

Fuck you and fuck that, 

I need someone patient. Someone who wants to actually get to know me, not get to know me in a given time and decide if they wanna dip or not. Of course you have the right to like or not like me but it is unfair to make me believe you love me and then leave me hanging because the thoughts in your head and your expectations of me did not meet actual me. You would rather have this fake, made-up version of me...

Bro...I am a legit ass real person who’s been through shit. and I don’t and I should not have to prove my trauma and my worth to make you love me. That’s all...

I loved you. and I know you did too. 

But you didn’t fight for me and things will never be the same. 

Goodbye. 

I wish you nothing but the best.

We would’ve been great together. Isn’t it pretty to think so?