my family are going through changes, my parents getting older, my father just retired last month

everything is slipping further away and the world i live in isn’t the one i loved

i love my family so dearly yet i see my dad once a week at most and my mother once a month, sometimes once every two months

i used to see her every day, i want to be close again, maybe i don’t go round so often because it reminds me i don’t go to bed upstairs from the living room we talk in

i brushed everything off, i moved out, and i don’t think i ever gave myself time to prepare or really deal with it

they’ve all got their own things to deal with, they don’t need this from me on top of everything. besides, talking about it makes it real. and i don’t know how much more despair i can carry before i really crack

i used to be so sure i could take anything, now i feel like anything could take me

it’s late, or early, who knows, who cares

ever sinking, always there

but night times where i sit alone and say nothing for hours feel like the only time i have control over, it’s 2:15am and this rotten, deep anguish and despair feel appropriate for me, almost comfortable. like an old habit

like it’s what i should feel, what i deserve

like i’ve committed some unforgivable wrong and sin across countless past lives that will render me hopeless and empty for the rest of my life

but this level of self hatred and despise is seriously blocking me from allowing me to receive and give the love i should

i’m hurting so bad in this little box i’ve put myself in

and i truly don’t think i deserve the kindness of others to help me out of it

i recoil at the idea of it, i feel so disgusting and pathetic and stupid all the time im so exhausted

partially because i don’t want to

partially because i have nobody to tell them to

i feel like giving up

i refuse to tell my partner and family because they’ll worry when they don’t need to and i don’t have any friends that care enough to know me like that

something is deeply rotten inside, i have no passion, no energy. just a walking shell of what once was

i don’t do anything for me anymore, i don’t even know what i want from myself

i feel rotten and it’s sickening

i am wasting my life, i’ve got nowhere i want to go

and maybe it was