Ace L Wolfe

As my life has be crazy, and extremely busy. I find myself extremely excited about actually getting on the roll with trying to get on T. It's be two years of doing research and a lot of soul searching see as this will change everything as I know it. I've waited patiently for this exact moment. I'd lie if I said I wasn't a little scared how I am actually going to react but I know whatever life throws at me I will be able to handle it. Just like I have handled all the other challenges I have over came. It's time to get this started. And hopefully working two shitty ass jobs will pay off nicely. Or I find something else that pays better. All worth it in my book though to become the person on the outside that I am in the inside. To have that awesome change. I know I'm ready for this shit been too long planning. But I had to make sure it was for me and the feeling hasn't gone away it's only became more intense. I've became more passionate about it also. Now I've realized this feeling is only going to grow and grow. 

So I haven't posted on here in awhile it's been a theme for me. Moving and working two jobs kicks my ass. Mother's Day is coming up. This has always been a huge thing for me. No matter my relationship with my mother I always wanted to show that I cared. Since her passing I feel the need to remind Anyone having a hard time transiting with their parents remember to show you care. Yes it's hard to talk when they don't accept you or even shut you out however small acts of showing you care and that you're the same person go a long way down the road. Once they are gone you're going to wonder if you could have done more to help them understand and come to terms. Ik myself how easy it is to shit people out if they don't accept it. However this dwells heavy on my heart this month. Keep in mind don't give up on parents and family. It's hard for those who don't understand what were going through bc people can't imagine it.

All week I've been struggling with my mother's death. She passed away at 55. I find myself wondering how I'm going to get through life without her. I was scared to death to come out being trans to her. Yet we would talk for hours about it. She would call me by my chosen name most of the time. Given the time that I told her I thought it went over really well. I mean it's a big adjustment and family members and people who have known you all your life are going to slip but my mother was my biggest support system. She did not call me her daughter any more. I recall one conversion when were talking about how she wanting me to meet someone and have kids that I should have been a boy. And that to her I was a man now. She trusted me with so much and I trusted her with a lot. This makes us sound like we had a great a relationship right? But it was only in the last year that I moved 11 hrs away and her doctor told her she had stage 4 COPD that we started to rebuilt our relationship. I regret so much. And people tell me not to go down this road bc I can't dig myself out but I've already started. Bc I love and miss her so much. No one else understands the pain I'm i. Being a trans guy losing a mother who actually accepts and loves him for him. She will not see me on this Earth the way I feel inside. And it hurts so bad. She won't meet someone who loves me for me. Or my kids. It's more than painful!!!!!

The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it.

What a weekend