Pocket Poly

Due to schedules I havent gotten to see redgrasshopper in 5 days.

Today he was so excited to see me he had to go back out to the van to get the flowers he had for me.

I've spent my whole life not needing people. The frist born daughter to emotionally unavailable parents, parentified child, people pleaser, and years of perpetuating trauma, needing someone would leave me too vulnerable. Being needed was misunderstood as being loved and that is a earth shattering shift.

But I needed him.

Not in a help me with a task kind of need.

When your loved loudly, cheered for, supported and consistently shown effort...

things change in ways you couldn't grasp until suddenly you see it.

I use to walk in to spaces and worry if I was good enough, if my clothes were appropriate, if I was liked.. going on. Quick store run in sweat pans and a old baggy tee. Hell no i don't wanna be judged, I wouldn't leave the house unless presentable, I would second guess myself and doing things 150% because failing wasn't an option.

But being loved so well....

I walk into space knowing i am beyond loved, wanted and appreciated. That there isn't a single person in that store who's opinion of me matters.

Reading this I am reminded how much exploring and living a polyamorus life has allowed me to maintain a since of self. It wasn't an easy start. All I had to talk about was my home and my kids but over time I learned I had more to who I was.