Untitled (or just Uninteresting)

I woke up at 2am because my Great Dane is way into my personal space. I woke him up, put my heated blanket on, and tried to go back asleep. Thrice this happened when he eventually slipped back into my area to cuddle. But I don’t want to cuddle when there’s a fuckin 200lb dog trying to sleep across my legs. It’s 3:20, am I awake for the day now?

It’s really fucking sad that I have 2 days off a week, and I feel obligated to clean and run errands instead of relaxing. There’s no energy after work 5 days of the week. I can’t risk “losing” a day off to naps and tv. I’m on day 1 of my vacation, and I already went for a walk and cleaned the upstairs of my house. But doing that during the work week? Impossible without a nap. Then my family complains “you sleep too much”, maybe if you haven’t met someone who works as hard as me, yeah. I do sleep a lot. I sleep a lot as a mother of 2 kids and a having full time job. I get really tired after waking up early in the morning to take care of my job, then my kids, and my house and family. Sometimes I have more drive than others. I was walking 3 miles after work everyday, and that was nice, but as it is currently, I haven’t been able to for even one day a week. Give me the promise of 7 solid days off, and that was the first thing I did today. 6 am. 3 mile walk. I loved it. I felt like I could spend the day however I wanted without the worry of calling myself a lazy fat bitch.

I had 6 fuckin cups of coffee today and no water and now I have a headache but there’s beer in the fridge and we’re having pot roast so 🤷‍♀️

Not to be dramatic, but I think I’d rather jump off a bridge than put my laundry away

Having a period is like getting kidnapped and tortured for a week, then when you’re happy it’s ending, you get kicked out of the moving car.

Latuda is a lifesaver, and it took me 2 years taking different antipsychotics to get my insurance company to cover it. However, I do have tardive dyskinesia, and it is getting worse. I also have severe jaw clenching/stiffness/pain, which I take benztropine for. Switching is not an option. There isn’t another antipsychotic that can handle my bipolar depression. Also I switched to Trident gum because they had more flavors, I usually chew orbit. Holy shit, Trident gets so hard after 30 min. I feel like I bruised my jaw from just chewing gum, Jesus

I’m in a calorie deficit diet. In the last 6 years, I’ve gained 20 lbs. I used to be active and efficient, and now I associate food with comfort and happiness. I’ve tried “dieting” before, but all I want when I eat is more food. The trick is don’t go shopping for diet food. Barely buy food at all. I hate planning meals and sticking to the 5 or 10 calories I need to burn off a piece of cake. I don’t plan on doing this once I’ve lost 20 lbs, I actually eat quite healthy now (before starting the diet). I had the day off work today, and I noticed I was really tired, despite having 4ish cups of coffee. I know my body doesn’t have enough food to make energy, and I’ll just have to deal with it. Today, I had a cookie my daughter made, a kind bar, and coffee. For lunch, I had a tomato cucumber sandwich with Swiss cheese and a Dave’s whole wheat and grains bread. For dinner, a half a bunch of asparagus. There’s always fresh fruit in the basket. I don’t like fruit but it is filling and sweet. I probably eat a banana every day and I hate bananas. It’s just to put something in my tummy. It’s been surprisingly easy to avoid eating, it’s only when I eat that I get hungry and want more. I do take a 3 mile walk almost every day, so I’m hoping I can melt the fat away quickly.

There’s certain times where the my mood changes and there’s no rhyme or reason for it. And I start thinking about my current environment, or whether or not I’ve slipped into a different reality. I don’t feel like time or space has changed, and I don’t think I’ve missed any pills. It’s a literal snap of a mood, just randomly. Not it’s makes me anxious, and I wouldn’t mind crying a bit, if I can go back to that mood

Day two of the dietiest diet I’ve ever done. The hard part is the indigestion, I have IBS and possibly also GERD. Yesterday was a biscotti, 2 cups of coffee, 4 shots espresso, one original plain oatmeal packet mixed with a flax seed oatmeal packet, and an apple. Then I went home and made 2 muscle milk/greek yogurt/frozen berries milkshakes. For both, it was 415 calories and a ton of protein. I fell asleep, had more indigestion. Ate 4 mandarins. 5 oz of beef brisket, and a can of green beans. I did burn 350 calories during my workout after work as well. Today, it was a fiber one brownie, which is 70 calories. Nonni biscotti was 150, 2 cups black coffee, and a big bag of Asian ginger salad. I think it’s 450 calories. When I get home, I’ll prob have a snack (produce), then hopefully 5 oz of chicken and a can of veggies