please lose this number

About a year and a half ago when I started my OK Cupid dating adventures the first date I went on was with a man whom I thought had the best sense of humor of anyone I 'd ever met. The date did not work out in person and I dug to figure out why. In my "online research" (not cyber stalking ;) of him I found his blog. The feller turned out to be a drunk musician who wrote these forlorned blog posts about unobtainable women. The more I read the more I saw that this is a man who has low self esteem at his core but is also a complete narssist. There are many reason the date did not go well but mostly I could see that it was because I was not fawning over his music career like I am sure many other have. Instead I spoke with him as an equal, even scolding him at one point when he told me he gave up his cat when he moved recently.

One blog post of his in particular was about a women he met and had this magical date with then she never called him back. The date was full of romantic notions like sneaking to the roof of a bar and kissing under the night sky. As I read this I was getting jealous of a woman I didn't even know. I was falling for his idealized version of her. In turn she turned into the vision of the ideal woman I would like to be. So I was not only jealous of this amazing date he had but also of this "perfectly amazing woman." 

I have always thought the most ideal role for me in regards to relationships with men is that of a muse. The mysterious, aloof woman that men pine for but can never really access at any depth. This is what leads me to have unfullfilling relationships. What leads me to want to attract men that I don't even like, just to try and fill this desire I have to make every man I meet fall in love with me. 

Things started to shift for me after that blog post. I began to think about this woman, this "Aphrodite" as he called her. What does it look like when she comes home at night. Is she alone? Is she content? When everyone idealizes you and sees you how they want to see you does it get lonely? How does she deal with it? As I answered these questions my vision of this idealized woman started to shift from being romantic to being tragic. I was no longer seeing her as an object but a complex person that looks more like myself. 

That fun night when you drink too much, cry into your computer and write a heartfelt post only to have your page freeze and lose the post.

guy: you like this dick?

girl: yeah

guy: yeahhh?

girl: yeahhh

guy: yeahhhhhhh?

girl: yeahhhhhhh

guy: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?

Some of the most intense eye rolling headlines on POF according to me.

Bad Grammar “Were R U” “Let me Tatoo You” “Trying find you, you the one” “If your fake don’t bother”

Most Pretentious “Live, Laugh, Love” “I’m the guy your friends secretly crush on” “A Frog looking for a princess” “Wake up and smell the life” “Ying Looking for his Yang” “Fishing for the one”