𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝒷𝑜𝓎 .

If anyone tells you they had a bad flight – they didn’t. Unless the plane crashed or someone died mid-flight, believe me, they didn’t. Because on my way to Bayview I got it all: crying baby in the front, fighting couple in the back and - last but not least - Taika, being a fucking idiot. Wonder why? Well, let’s say I had a conflict with the airport police because I thought someone stole one of my bags. But the surveillance footage showed me putting it in my suitcase. — Anyway… Thankfully I’m finally here and I hope it was worth the trouble.

you know .. from the start of this whole story of yours, i was concerned you just thought every single flight you’d ever been on was the bee’s knees. and then i was about to be really concerned for you as a human being. needless to say, i’m both happy and unhappy to have discovered that such was not the case. what was the couple going on about? any tea worth sharing? hey, hey ------ think we’ve all been there. i wouldn’t write this taika guy off as a total idiot .. yet. anyway ----- i, for one, am happy you’re here. if you consider that counting for anything, of course. i’d like to believe it was worth the trouble. wanna’ grab a drink or something to soften the .. travel troubles, i s’pose i’ll call ‘em?

So I finally caved and watched Tiger King…and Carol Baskins totally killed her husband, and Joe Exotic is the real life Joe Dirt. Besides that I’m back to rewatching all of Greys Anatomy..someone come get me out of my house and do something with me please.

haven’t made it through the whole docuseries yet, but that’s what i’ve heard! what a mess --------- and what a time suck, too, honestly. cannot tell you how much time i’ve spent on the first few episodes, just psychoanalyzing all the nonsense. it’s like .. how are these people even real? anyway --- grey’s is a good choice. got a good ‘ol soft spot for ellen pompeo and meredith grey as a character. get you out of the house, hm? what do you like to do?

I’ve been binging all the TLC channel shows. Like the 20 shows about dating and love life stuff. Like 90s day fiance and their million spin-offs. They have many others the same with lifetime. I mean how do they come up with the ideas? But I think I should sign up for married at first sight, that be the only way my butt will get married any time soon!

i’ve got this horrible relationship with reality television .. like, it’s bad. on one hand, i love the nonsense. i love love, and i love just about any scenario where people have a chance to find love. but, the drama .. ? oof, talk about the energy that following all that requires. it’s so exhausting. can’t imagine how the people actually on the show handle all that. been watching love island: australia lately, and it’s a trip. one girl’s, like, going after any girl that tries to make moves on her man ----- which, i respect. but, also ----- have a conversation with your man about exclusivity if that’s the vibe? doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

So I have a new hairstyle, new album out, and now I thought it would be only right that I have a new home. Switching things around sometimes is good, yeah? I think so. After a long flight, and long hours of unpacking, I am ready to just dance. Does anyone care to show me where I can just dance around here, and will you dance with me? I am Dua by the way. People think that’s just my stage name, but my actual name is Dua Lipa.

queen of new hairstyles, honey! it looks absolutely beautiful, honestly. ----- and, of course, congratulations on that new record! i gave it a listen, and i thoroughly enjoyed it. i’m quite new myself, so i’m not sure where my tap shoes would come in handy the most .. but i’m certainly in the business of wanting to find out! let’s dance the night away, sweets. i’m ready! do people really think that’s not your name? i think that’s silly. good to meet you, dua. i’m ben, and welcome to town!

Dude… that game is like, so addicting. So props to you for getting something done. I still have two baskets of laundry done. It’s a mad, mad world when it comes to those games. OH man! Yeah, I probably wouldn’t be able to get anything done if that were me. You’ve made it further along in the unpacking process, so good for you. And making dinner too! Let me know how the homemade fettucine thing goes. It sounds delicious.

isn’t it? i’m convinced the whole thing’s a trap. to be fair, laundry’s the worst.. so, there’s that. i’m trying! ha, making ‘dinner.’ yeah ----- seems more likely that this whole thing is actually an elementary school level science fair project gone wrong, because that’s.. exactly what my kitchen looks like right now, honestly.

Reckon it’s been one of your best ideas to date, Big Ben, and I’ll never tire of supporting your love for colourful, digitalized animals. Although I must say bridges are always appreciated, sometimes you shouldn’t take the build bridges, not walls thing quite so literally, y’know? Timmy and Tommy’ll find their way around the poles, I’m certain, they seem quite keen. D’you know that I was thinking the exact same things? Wise minds think alike, and following in your footsteps and making the big move has seemed rather splendid so far. The thought that’s put into the downtown parks and the fauna growing about, I mean, my god. Talk about a seaside escape. You’ve been settling in well, I trust? 

you’re just a whole peach and a half, hiddleston. gonna’ have to keep you around forever or whatever ------ provided you’ll allow me. i mean, they might.. but, honestly, i’m tired of whipping out my vaulting pole every time i need to cross. i don’t think they’re going to do me any favors by making some extra-snazzy infrastructure at zero cost. they’re all kinda’ schemers --- the nook clan, i mean. hey, hey ---- i’m really glad you’re out here, too. would’ve only been a matter of time before i was begging you to come visit and convincing you to stay. the whole place is incredible. kinda’ kicking myself in the ass for not booking it out here a long time ago. oh well ----- no time like the present, i guess? i found a place in bayside, and i’m loving it so far. gorgeous views and all. settling in well enough, yep! enough to tinker on the piano and unpack a few more clothes. other than that, i’ve just been stumbling about the place and trying to get a lay of the land.

But you unboxed a pasta maker, meaning you were willing to make pasta. That’s way more than most people do in the first place, even when they’re not playing Animal Crossing for hours on end. I have so many friends whose lives have become that game this past week, and I can’t even fault them, it looks addictive, for sure. So how are you making this pasta, then? Because from what I’m seeing you’ll need…eggs? Flour? Probably something to cook it in. Fuck, why is this hard to remember.

do you think so? i mean.. i didn’t unpack any other ‘living essentials,’ so.. seems like i’m still pretty royally behind on the whole ‘being a person’ ordeal. it’s just so fun! it’s also super cute, ‘til a resident with an ugly attitude moves in. but, you deal with that as it comes. i got some ingredients; i’m just lacking most of the utensils. but, it’s fine. i’m improvising.. or something like that.

I’m pretty sure buying a nintendo is the only appropriate move if you don’t have one.  I mean, I’m normally into a lot more action-y sort of games but even I am currently playing Animal Crossing.  Honestly, the boxes will get handled eventually. The main thing is that you can get the important stuff unboxed. The rest can be explored in time. It’s clearly more important to create and save a fictional civilization.  I am pretty sure that you’ll get the bridges built when you feel like it and they’ll have to like it. I mean, that is all that there is to it. I’m not sure how the alfredo will work out but honestly, I hope you’re not a new neighbor for me. I’m trying to get back on a healthy bandwagon and I would probably be trying to steal fettucini from you.   Save me from myself.

really? been seeing a lot of that lately, and i think it’s rad. it feels like the type of game that’s got something for everybody, you know? it’s super versatile that way. what if i just, like.. don’t unbox anything, and live out the rest of my days as a minimalist? because, honestly, i might. don’t tempt me. where do you live, then? i’m out in bayside, so ---- unless you’re there, seems like you’re safe.

I know, no surprises there, right? Come, join me on the front porch where we sit for hours and people watch, gossiping into glasses of lemonade while we crochet sweaters for our pets. Travesty’s my middle name. My brothers are much more into the gaming thing than I am — I was the annoying little sister who tried to play Playstation with them and then got frustrated when they kicked my ass to kingdom come. I’m boring, Platt, I know none of the fancy tricks. It’s a real miracle I can manage to not come in last place. Grandma, remember? I have faith in your pasta making abilities. If it’s misplaced, who really cares? It’s homemade pasta. Doesn’t get any better than that. Did the rat pay rent? ‘Cause if not, then he would have been evicted at first notice. Also, how the fuck do you confuse a rat with a lizard? There are like, zero similarities once you get past the tails and beady eyes. My first big girl apartment wasn’t the worst — I’ve heard of worse from friends — but the basement where the washer and dryer were looked like it was straight out of Saw. Also tried bringing the queen sized mattress I had rather sketchily obtained with me. It touched three of the walls, which meant until I could beg my sister to swap with me, changing sheets was an Olympic sport.

people watching is a whole hobby! i tried to put it on my resume, but a potential employer found it ‘alarming,’ so i had to take it off. i think that’s just their thing, right? as their brothers, they’ve like got to protect the playstation. it’s sacred ground, or something of the sort. i’m boring, johansson. i do sudoku for fun ---- and not even just the ones that’re in the paper! do you only have faith in my pasta-making abilities because you’re the grandma? the same sort of mom complex where even the ugliest art is a beautiful masterpiece? i’m getting that vibe, and i resent it. scarlett, i want you to ask yourself that question. ‘did the rat pay rent?’ ... i just want to know what kind of rat pays rent. where do they work? how much do they make? surely, rats don’t make a living wage ... especially not in new york, obviously. anyway ---- to answer your question: no, remy never paid rent. the landlord didn’t want to pay an exterminator to evict him. so, that all in mind, i took it upon myself to hire some guy off the street to scoop him into a paint bucket and relocate him. i didn’t want to be a rat murderer. i can’t have something like that on my conscience. i don’t know ---- the tails, maybe? if you’re not looking hard enough? i would never confuse the two, so don’t ask me. do tell more about this ‘sketchily obtained’ mattress. did you check it for bedbugs first? just asking for a friend, before i invite myself over for sleepovers. have you ever tried to change sheets on a bunk bed? talk about a nightmare.

I made that same mistake before I moved as well – though thankfully I was able to lost past my switch and be productive, but it was hard. But I can understand your pain when it comes to animal crossing – I too know that struggle of new people keep moving in and being stressed about not being able to afford bridges. its like you want to help and you want your island to thrive – but it’s just too much. I’m pretty sure I nearly broke down and cried the other day I was so stressed from it, which is when I decided to put the game down and walk away. I’m not meant for that kind of life, but it’s good to know I’m not alone. I’ll admit I kind of perked up at hearing homemade fettucine, this girl likes all homemade pastas. I wish you good luck though and hope it all works out in your favor, even though you don’t have all the things that you need.

it wouldn’t be such a thing if the nice bridges weren’t hundreds of thousands of dollars of bells. like, you mean to tell me i’m supposed to be working on home improvement and infrastructure advances? at the same time? sometimes, i think tom nook’s lost his whole mind. i’ll say it. thanks for the good luck wishes! i don’t know how much good it’ll do, but we’ll try.

Shocked and appalled, Benny-boo. How dare you call yourself my husband, and play Animal Crossing and make homemade pasta without me?              Oh, and then there’s the part where you forgot to mention you were moving into town?! What the fuck. I thought I was hurt when Zac didn’t tell me he moved in, but no — there’s actually a pain worse than that, and that’s my person coming to Bayview without letting me know, and I had to find out like this?! At the mention of making homemade fettucine?!         I think there’s only one way to fix this now… invite me over and feed me copious amounts of pasta. It’s the only solution.

hey, zo ----- listen. i’m not making excuses or anything, but i do love you with all my heart and you’re clearly the only wife i’ve ever and will ever have. come over, honey. you can visit my island, and bring back some cherries with you to yours. the pasta might kill you, so i wouldn’t recommend it ----- but, if you feel so emboldened, you can give it a shot! god, you’re adorable as hell ---- calling me ‘your person’ and all. you’re my better half, deutch, and you know it. you don’t really need an invite, you know.. i could just make you a key, like, right now. anyway ---- now, i’m grumpy because you’re mad at me. come attempt to eat this pasta with me, and we’ll fix it. we can always wash it down with wine if it’s awful ---- which, again, i truly think it might be.

Okay so I have to know how the pasta making went and was it a success? That’s the most important thing that curious minds need to know. So, what’s everyone’s obsession with this Animal Crossing? I feel a little bit old because I have no idea what it is but as far as not unpacking goes, I can’t judge you; I’ve built a fort and promptly ignored all of my boxes.

i think that all depends on how you define ‘success.’ ----- if you define it as an epic failure, then sure! it went swimmingly. i think it’s just a.. happy game, you know? people like happy, easy things. how’s your fort holdin’ up, then? sounds like a lot of fun ----- brings me back to my youth.

C’mon, buying video games is always a good idea even when you have a lot of boxes waiting for you. Gotta find yourself some distraction otherwise the amount of things you gotta do might make you go nuts. And no one wants that to happen, right? That being said, I haven’t played Animal Crossing but I remember having fun with it a few years back. So hopefully people in charge here have that same feeling and they’re happy to have us! Welcome, by the way. Where in town have you and your pasta maker settled in?

i would normally agree ----- but, i need to be in ‘peak productivity mode’ right now and i’m just.. a flop. that’s a good point, though ---- definitely throwing that one out there when i need another excuse to avoid all my responsibilities. did you ever play it on the gamecube? that was the original. for me, personally ---- that’s where this nonsensical addiction began. should’ve never started, truthfully, ‘cause now i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to get myself to chill out. i think they have to be, right? surely, they’d have dropped some notes in our mailboxes if we weren’t the types of residents they’d want around. granted, i’ve been here, like.. no more than a week, so. i live in bayside! definitely wanted to be able to hear the slosh of the waves against the shore every now and then. it’s also a beautiful view to look at when i’m sitting at my piano trying to be inspired. where’d you set up your fort?

You clearly know which important items to unbox first. There are no rules that say which things you have to unbox and organize when you first move in. I hid most of my boxes when I first got to town. Pretty much shoved a whole bunch of them in the closet or hid them under the table. Out of sight, out of mind. But the pasta maker- now that’s the best part of any kitchen. Did you just start making your own pasta or are you a pro at it by now? You’ll have to keep us updated on your homemade fettuccine. I’m talking about pictures or videos. Motivate me to make my own all over again. 

ah, so i’ve got the olsen stamp of approval, then? i’m stoked. how long did you hide them, and did you just, like, buy what you needed to use that was in them? i’m perplexed by this mechanic. i definitely just started making my own pasta, and i’m pretty sure this batch tastes like straight salt. feel free to come taste-test for me, though. just don’t file charges if my fettucine robs all the moisture from your mouth. since you asked --- maybe, i’ll break in the ‘ol instagram live. if i can figure it out, that is.

Would you really be surprised? I mean, c’mon, multipurpose, right? They’re just as great as mason jars at multitasking. Oh, man, y’know, if ever you decide that the echo in an unfurnished home is a little too much for your taste, you’re always welcome to come down to the Retreats and stay in my guest room. ‘S just Boo, Atticus and I and we never mind company – especially if that company comes with a pasta maker and your kinda voice for karaoke nights. I think he just hates me, honestly, probably thinks I’m one of the bugs he has that much problem with. It’s not my fault there’s only so many non-beady customizable eyes! According to the Ancestry website, I am, but, like, grain of salt with how accurate that is or if they just randomized it, honestly. Have you done that? Hey, I’m no liar, Benny, I am nothing if not a truther – here, come over and you can have all the red ones I bought off Amazon to use for Christmas (didn’t even get to use them, though, blessed be the Johanssons) and then forgot to return.

i mean ----- clearly, i’m a little surprised. i guess so, but they’re also, like.. ugly. mason jars, on the other hand? beautiful, cute ‘lil glassware. boxes could never have what mason jars do ---- hate to break it to you, gyllenhaal, but you might not be the best one to be seeking interior design advice from. don’t threaten me with a good time, jake ---- before you know it, i’m going to be stealing your key to copy it, and then i’ll never leave. you’ll be sorry you ever let me in. show tunes at three in the morning will be the least of your worries. i’ve never done the ancestry thing, no. i just know i’m very, very jewish. i’m not losing my mind, right? you did just make a drake and josh reference? on my way to steal your utensils as we speak!

Nah, you’re okay – the deodorant is only if you’re going out in public. Well, unless you… sweat a lot and smell  horrible and can’t stand your own stench, and then I guess you might wanna dig around for that deodorant. But on the plus side, you could also just hop in the shower once you’re done cooking and have that much less to worry about, too, have to think it through! I’ll drink an iced coffee, but I’m definitely a hot coffee guy, yeah. And black, too. Basically, the stronger you make the coffee, the more that I’m going to love it. I – well, you see, you hunt ducks. And if you were lucky enough, you had a fun gun to use as a controller. But if you missed the duck that flew out of nowhere, then this damn dog jumped up on the screen and laughed at you – it was humiliating. I’ll have to look into it, they bug me about something fun to do sometimes, so it’s something to look into! Well, hey, I wouldn’t want you to go sticky, now I just need to ask you what your favorite brand of deodorant is, which is obviously my favorite way to make friends. Good to meet you, man! What made you decide to come to our humble town?

i think i’m just.. obnoxiously self-conscious in about every aspect, you know? potential unwanted smells included. that’s fair! look at you, changing the game for me with all these suggestions that my hamster wheel of a brain couldn’t quite make out. you drink your coffee black? jeez, you’re a monster. a ton of cream and sugar or it’s a no-go for me. oh, okay ---- i’m painting the scene now. is it like that arcade game that ron plays in that one episode of parks and rec? have you seen parks and rec to know what i’m talking about? i just realized that connection might be totally useless. i think they’d like it a lot! let me know if you need any fun tips and tricks about the game to wow them with, too. oh, obviously ----- but, old spice, for sure. not the original, though, because it smells like the locker rooms i used to try and avoid with every fiber of my being. you know, i’m.. not sure what brought me here, honestly. we’re just going to call it a good ‘ol feeling. do you ever just get the inkling you’ve gotta’ do something new, or your whole life’ll implode? it kind of felt like that.

Okay, as the resident grandma of Bayview, what’s this thing with the Switch? I’m still clinging to the last bits of life in a Gameboy, can I still play Mario Kart on this thing? Because really, that’s the only game I can successfully play and the only game that I understand. I need things in layman’s terms or else I am a lost cause. Piano, pasta maker, and a week’s worth of clothes is a pretty good pick of the essentials. Whoever’s running this place has it all figured out, honestly. Somehow, they make it all work, and like you said: means the rest of us get to claim a little piece of heaven for ourselves. If I volunteered to bring over some of my kitchen utensils, is there anyway I could get in on this homemade fettucine? Or are we gonna have to trade New York living stories first so you can rest easy knowing I’m not just looking for an excuse to like, stab you with a fork or something? ‘Cause I can do that, too.

you’re the resident grandma? hell yeah, certainly signing the paperwork to officiate me as resident grandpa. let’s run this thing. a game boy, of all things? c’mon, scarlett.. i was hoping you’d at least have a ds or something by now. this is a travesty. i was never good at mario kart, because i couldn’t figure out how to drift! i still don’t know how people do it, actually. do you know how it goes? how to do that? help a pal out in his time of need. uh, yeah ---- of course, but if it tastes like pure salt or gets you royally sick, i cannot and will not be held liable. give me your best ‘life in new york’ story, though. when i first moved and lived in the worst condo in queens that anyone’s imagination could possibly come up with, there was a rat that lived in my shower. the landlord tried to convince me it was a lizard for weeks ---- three, to be exact! the audacity.