Hear My Whispers

Over the last year or so I've been feeling this building grief guilt over 'belated realisations'. At the moment I can't recall if I've talked about the realisations much prior, but I feel like with every passing chunk of time it just becomes stronger. As reality sinks in more, the way things are, the way I feel about certain things, the way I feel after experiencing grief several times, I become more aware of how Mum must have felt in the days/weeks/months/year or so before her death. It's like I've unlocked a belated empathy towards her. I know she had good days despite all this, and I know she laughed a lot despite all this. But, despite all that, my memories of her are consumed by negative recall. To the point where I just...don't think of a happy moment or memory unless I make myself, or something triggers the memory. My chest just absolutely aches thinking of her being in chronic pain, the nights where she felt so lonely(this one in particular), the lack of support from us, the several types of grief she probably experienced, her sitting on the porch in the middle of the night ringing Lifeline every night. I am forgiving to myself, because I know I did the best I could at the time, with the age I was, and the capacity with which I could emotionally support her. But I think this guilt probably exists because I didn't empathise more at the time, because Dad and I could have done more, because Dad DEFINITELY could have done more emotionally, but then practically speaking he did a lot more than I did. And I know I definitely have less patience with Dad now partly to have an avenue for that guilt.

My assessor was really cool and awkwardly funny, totally a type I’ve seen many times. It did feel different this time, this test. I don’t know why, I don’t know what was different this time, but I felt far more present in the moment than I ever have before.

I looked everywhere and could consciously think to do it, I looked at every intersection, every potential pedestrian crossing spot. I still made mistakes but overall while doing the test I could feel it wasn’t as bad. And I didn’t have any tunnel vision.

I also can’t remember much about the test except for turning left a lot and the two parking exercises. I think verbally repeating the instructions helped me to stay in the moment, cause if I was too quiet and just said yes to what he said I think I could have fallen into the trap of being stuck in my head, and then that’s where the tunnel vision would come in. But every. single. instruction he gave. I verbally repeated it. Several times. I even was able to remind myself to take a deep breath which neverrrrr happens during the test lol.

I was so relieved when he said I had passed, purely cause it meant the test was over, and there were no more. But I don’t feel relieved overall. In fact I was an absolute mess yesterday afternoon, didn’t sleep well, didn’t feel fantastic today.

I think I enjoyed the restriction of being a Learner, because it meant I had no obligation to drive. Now that I can drive independently there are less reasons for me to back out of something now.

Gawd I really hate driving.

Anyway if there’s anyone who’s struggling with this I assure you, you can do it. Mum had to make me take lessons 8 years ago, I only complied because I didn’t want to inconvenience the teacher. I failed three tests. I stopped for 7 years after that. I had to fight a lot of nerves and procrastination to choose a school myself last year and initiate that first contact. I had to fight against stress crying in the middle of a lesson...nearly every week lol. I failed a test again. Then passed my next one.

I have my next test tomorrow and I’m dreading it but currently not particularly anxious about it. But I reaallyyy need to pass lol. Like...if there’s ever a time I’ve really needed to have a licence it is now :| Cause things are going to get really difficult soon.

I’ve always hated driving. The only time I like it is when the lesson has finished, and even then I’ll spend a while ruminating in negativity over all the things that went wrong.

I get....so easily upset when driving. Nearly every single lesson there has been a point where I’ve had to furiously blink to stop a tear coming out because I was so frustrated at something not going right. I also realised a while ago that I always think a lesson didn’t go well, but my teacher never agrees with me lol. I get so consumed in one thing I did wrong, or one thing that didn’t go well when it used to, that it ruins the whole lesson for me and I think I just suck.

When I think about driving too much, when I type about it too much, when I talk about it too much - I always have to try not to cry. Even writing this is making me feel choked up. When I was on the phone to my brother and we were talking about driving I had tears but was trying not to make it obvious in my voice.

When I first had to drive I was so scared to. I don’t even know where I got all the fear from but Mum booked me a lesson and I only did it because I didn’t want to inconvenience the teacher by refusing to drive lol. I did lessons for a while, failed three times for various reasons, stopped driving to save money when I was between jobs, then got comfortable with not driving and didn’t pick it back up for about 7 years lol. But I’ve always known I really should try and get my P’s so I renewed my L’s whenever I needed to, booked with a different school a few months ago and have been doing regular lessons. My teacher this time around is absolutely fantastic, seriously such an awesome person, and he figured out very quickly that anxiety would be the thing to hold me back from passing lol.

What annoys me is...well everything. I can feel that the skills themselves get easier, like overall I have more skills and awareness than when I started, I know way more tricks, but nothing else gets easier. The dread I feel driving is still the same as it was in lesson 1. I will do something well for a while then not be good at it again. I’ll find something new to do wrong that I never did before. But in lessons I can keep practicing until it is back, in a test things like parking you don’t get a third/fourth attempt lucky. How is it fair that there is an element I know I CAN do, but might not always be able to do it straight away or in the second attempt. Anyway generally I’m not too anxious in lessons, just always dreading. Because the teacher is there I feel reassured and can ask questions, and be told when I’m doing well. However in a test because they can’t give you feedback during the drive, I start thinking EVERYTHING I’m doing is wrong. I get stuck in my head and then start thinking too much and then that’s when the mistakes start creeping in. I need constant reassurance because I don’t trust that everything I’m doing is right even though it is right. When I failed the last test I wasn’t even disappointed, I was instantly washed over with relief that it was over and that’s when I felt like I was driving how I normally do in lessons. Up until the fail I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body. Holding the steering wheel felt weird, indicating felt weird, I felt like my steering was wrong and I would definitely get points off lol. Then when I asked the assessor afterwards he said up until the fail everything was perfect. I couldn’t even believe it cause everything FELT so wrong lol.

Before that test I tried many things, I got up early and had a good breakfast, I washed my hair the night before to feel good, wore clothes I felt good, went for a walk beforehand to calm down, thought positively most of the time, wore a special necklace for good luck, had a lesson beforehand, mindfully breathed, didn’t tell anyone I was doing a test. None of it helped lol. From the moment I was waiting at the centre for the assessor, until the moment after I had failed, all that preparation meant nothing.

It’s like the me who drives in lessons, and the me who drives in tests, are two different people. I can’t bridge things from one to the other.

So reading all this pre-test advice annoys me now, and annoyed me the first time. Cause it doesn’t help. I can’t pretend a mock test is real test, and vise versa because I straight up know it’s not the same. Remembering things to keep in mind doesn’t work cause I don’t remember at all once it’s a test, I just hear an instruction and drive. Breathing deeply doesn’t help cause I don’t remember to breathe at the time.

What also annoys me is people around me. It’s so easy for people to say stupid things like “Oh why don’t you drive?”, “You should get your licence”, “Are you going for your licence?”, “Just keep practicing”. I get they mean well but oh my god it is infuriating.

Why do people think that because they can do something well, that everyone else automatically can? Why don’t they consider someone might be terrified, or might find it more difficult than them? Like....you’re really not being as helpful as you think you are.

It’s also for that reason I don’t tell people around me that I’m driving. The only people who know are a girl who has the same teacher as me, my close friend who’s too scared to drive, and two people at work lol. I don’t want advice from a confident person, you passed the test because you’re confident. Even if you had test nerves you still passed because at the core you’re confident, or are sure of yourself. I need to find someone who’s straight up terrified of driving and doesn’t like driving, and doubts themselves,  but is still doing it. However once I do have my P’s I think driving with a confident driver as a passenger would be a huge help.

If I could to this stupid test every day I would eventually pass. I feel like because there’s a while between tests it gives me time to build up apprehension for it. The driving lessons and the test are totally different things. I don’t need more lessons, I need to “practice” more actual assessments lol.

Anyway I just keep telling myself at least you’re doing this. You have your foot in the door, you’re trying. Just keep doing it all and you’ll get there. It just annoys me that people way younger than me can do this test and pass with no mistakes. I can’t fathom it, I feel so unsure on the road and of everything. Nothing feels right when I do it.

06/08/2020 Dearest Clancy man would have turned 31 today.

This past year has definitely been easier to cope with. I find I don’t have waves of grief as frequently as I did before. That being said I really feel like I’ve lost my groove for a while now. I just feel so fatigued by daily life and the thought of 60+ more years of it sounds even more tiring. I do try to live in the moment, enjoy good Winter weather days, have healing moments by myself, eat food that makes me happy, being around good people, but after those things what is there? I’m content in my own company, but I feel like besides Winter, I have nothing to love or deeply care for anymore now that Clancy is gone. I have other horses at the stable that mean a lot to me, that make me feel better, that I love caring for. But it’s just so different to the time I had with Clancy man. I don’t necessarily want another horse to fill that gap, because those years and memories with him are a product of their time. I grew up with a truly grand companion.

But I feel like I don’t have something anymore. Winter weather days give me lots of energy and make me happy and I need that, but at the end of the day it is weather. I feel like that’s all I have about me now.

2012 vs 2020

Yesterday. 06/08/2019.

My dearest Clancy man would have been 30 years old.

I’m still amazed he could live to 28 and have been so healthy too. Such a big milestone was only two years away. The days aren’t too bad. My birthday this year was far more bearable than last year. I wonder if it’s the welcome distraction I got at the end of last year, maybe it’s the good Winter weather we’ve had, maybe I feel like I have nothing left to lose that had the same impact on my life that he did.

Since Clancy’s birthday was yesterday I’ve been watching old riding videos of him and reading posts I wrote, looking at photos I’ve taken. That’s been okay. Listening to the songs that kept me functioning through the early stages of grief are making my heart pang though.

I don’t think too intensely these days about him, but he’s always a present thought in the things I do around the stables.

The feeds I make - the ones I used to make for him. Caring for the old horses - caring for my senior squad.

The grass I see growing - the grass I would have taken him to eat.

Being there during the holidays - spending that time with him. My dearest Clancy man, I truly truly miss you. I miss you so deeply. But I love that I can feel such fondness for you, and have spent so many years together. I gained so much, and constantly made sure you got all that you deserved in return.

But it's a weird loneliness. Because I love doing stuff by myself, I have no problem at all with 'Me Time' with being alone for many days. I enjoy it. I have friends and I love doing stuff with them, and if I don't see them for a while that's fine too. I don't want a boyfriend. I think because of losing those dear to me over the years, coupled with being more aware of dad's personality, I think it makes me feel lonely. I marvel at younger me who could add randoms on MSN, hold conversations with several people at once, continually go through the routine of getting to know each other. I don't think I could do that now lol.

The other day I was working on a puzzle page we get in the newspaper, and as dad was coming inside I mentioned how I really like it. He just said "yeah" and kept walking, didn't even turn to look at what I was talking about. His hearing has weakened a bit over the years but if you repeat what you say he understands. So sometimes I challenge what he says, or I repeat what I say so that I get a proper answer. But the fact he didn't even look at what I could be talking about, the fact he had so little interest that he wasn't even curious. It hurt. But then he'll come to me and tell me things that he's said before or that I can guess the answer to, and I give him the bare minimum of engagement but he doesn't even notice nuances like that. So it feels like I lose either way.

I do know better though, I don't expect anything from him most of the time. I guess occasionally I get caught by myself. Not so much that I hang onto a glimmer of hope, it's more reiterating that this is reality. "Ahhh yep. There it is. As expected. No no it's fine I wasn't talking. Wasn't talking about things that interest me. Wasn't talking about a small thing that brings me quite a bit of happiness, that a person interested in what I have to say would appreciate hearing".

At times like this I miss younger me. Who was far more naive...but also far happier, far less lonely, lived and thought and felt far more simply.

My dearest friend. My friend, and source of comfort for half of my life.

It's been over a month since he died.

That first week without him was honestly so difficult. I still can't believe how much physical pain I was in. I am glad that physical grief didn't last long.

However, emotionally and mentally it's still hard. I'm fine being at the stables if I have a purpose, but once I don't have to be there....I don't want to be there. During the holidays I'd happily spend hours pottering around with Clancy, feeding him, giving him a bath, taking his rug off so he could get sun on his coat, anything else really because it was an extension of being around him. This time during the holidays, once I had finished what I needed to do I just wanted to leave. It's like the enthusiasm has been drained from me.

I also feel conflicted because I don't want that last day with him to get any further away, but I also don't want to dwell on it and constantly feel like this. I almost feel annoyed that life goes on, but I also don't want it to not...not go on.

That last day was so pivotal in the summary of our friendship. I remember higher up people coming over to me and telling me to come say goodbye to him. This is a huge thing, because when a horse has died at our stable it's been the norm to keep it on the down low so that not too many people know, and also to I guess avoid tears. It may seem rough but there aren't ill intentions behind it. It's just easier to process that death and have the horse removed if not too many people are hovering. Same goes for people and incident scenes really.

Anyway to be allowed to say goodbye, for my boss to ask them if I had been told, for them to give me that time with him and even tell other people to go away and give "Us" space....I'm honestly so thankful. I'm thankful I could say Goodbye, and thank him. He still felt warm at the top of his neck where he loved to be scratched. He felt as soft as he always did. I also suddenly felt small, feeling my hands on his seemingly bigger-than-usual head. I felt like I briefly reverted back to younger me...who was years deep into being the horse crazy girl who decided Clancy was the only boy allowed in her life hahahah.

That Goodbye also makes young me swell with pride lol, because I was always so chuffed when the boss would call him my horse when I was younger. It would make my day, I'd have the biggest grin on my face.

We really, truly got along well, and I cared for him so much. People commenting on him looking so good because of my care, or my boss saying he likes me, or me feeling how happy he was and how well we connected in our lessons, all of those things. Reading and hearing those things makes me sad, but also so happy.

I've had a lot of things to go through over the years and Clancy was never anything else but a source of comfort during those challenges. Even if we had bad days I never felt any less fondness for him.

Also I feel like the more time passes, the less I can frequently talk about it to others. Though I don't think anyone would mind. It's just a pressure I put on myself. Then a part of me dislikes how I don't grieve in front of others, because then I get so good at going about my day like it's not hard and like I don't still struggle or have bad days.

I feel like every day is a long day, and that I'm just running on auto-pilot. Also after the difficult second half of last year, any return to feeling like myself goes out the window when the next death, or hurdle comes along. Having no Autumn hasn't helped either because a lot of my energy and happiness revolves on waiting for cold weather, and living IN those cold days. So having every day feel like a long summer's day...actually isn't a good thing. The few stormy days we recently had has really helped me feel better.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss how different he felt to any other horse. I miss how I could recognise him no matter how far away or how close up he was. I miss his appearance and how distinct it was for me. I miss him just being apart of the stable that has been my second home for 17 years.

A while back I was dwelling on how my grief for each death was different.

I lost my very dear friend Clancy on Thursday, and the sadness hit me really quick, which was very similar to when my cat Josie died. However this time the grief has manifested more into physical pain.

Within hours of his death I felt like I had the flu. I was aching, had a headache, felt cold, my chest felt heavy, my heart was racing, I felt restless but at the same time didn’t want to do anything. I’ve only had one meal in the last two days, and I had to force myself to eat it, and I just felt worse after. I’ve felt like I have a mild stomach bug since that day. I feel really meh during the day, then when I am trying to sleep at night I’ll be  restless and emotional and crying continuously. I’ll feel like crying at random times in random places.

I crashed on the sofa from 8pm-12pm last night, tried to go to bed, couldn’t sleep then couldn’t stop crying, went back to the sofa to watch a dvd, went back to bed at 3:30am, then slept until 9:30am. I am so tired from the bad sleep, the physical stress, and the emotional stress. I want to do things but I don’t want to do things. I want time to stop but I don’t want to dwell.

Home could be bad, school could be bad, but Clancy was always and only ever a source of happiness. I’m truly going to miss the little moments we would have together where life was peaceful. I always knew this day would come.