Dancing With Our Hands Tied

DUDE

̶̴̲̜͚̲͍̺̰̠͓̰̳̖̞̙̥̻̪͟２̶̛͍̖͙̥̹͍̰͕̘͖̤̮̙͔̝̣̠͡͠＇̧̨͉̭͙͔̗̻̹̣͙̱̜̝͍̹͙͙Ｓ̶̷̲̠̥̘̱̼̮̞̥̥̭̕͢͠ ̡̖͎̹͙͍͙͈̞̲͠͝ͅ ̛͏͞҉̤̪͔͙̥̪̬̭ͅͅＤ̡͍̥̝̻͍͕̭̠̳̺̯͖͢͞Ａ̵̡̧̯͔̭̹͍̰̫͍̘̝̺Ｙ̢̙͙̥̣̬̗̱͓̠̹̝̟̤͟͡͠

Woman Speaks For Record-Breaking 8 Hours Without Being Interrupted By Man

CHICAGO—Recalling how the former classmate would ruthlessly prey on insecurities, sources confirmed Monday that the girl who repeatedly called you a slut in high school was posting a passionate Facebook status about the Women’s March. “I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that when women stand together, we can change the world,” wrote the woman who made your life a living hell for four years and once called you a skank in front of the entire cafeteria. “It’s now important more than ever for women to be great role models for every young girl. The progress we make today will change the lives of women for generations to come.” At press time, your former tormenter, who had scrawled the phrase “blowjob bitch” on your locker after noticing you sat next to her ex-boyfriend during a school assembly, posted an impassioned reminder for all women to stay strong in the face of adversity.

Solitaire has apparently discovered that she can perch on top of the big scratching post. (Perspective shrinks it; it’s actually pretty tall.) She wouldn’t get down until I patted her and told her she was clever.

By Jung Lee

Trump Vehemently Denies Using Word ‘People’ To Describe African Immigrants

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Happy New Year!