online crash out

I just want to eat a fucking salad without being worried about cyclosporiasis trying to kill me. If I eat all the vegetables in the garden someone will know it was me and I'm not looking for that kind of flack.

My wife is a goddess and I shall never be worthy of her

I wanna slap an "I brake for birdies" sticker on my bumper as a warning to all the other drivers.

We're all gonna go to Hell. I hear that all the time. This is Hell. What's more punishment than the lives we've already been force fed? This is Hell we're living in it. We might as well make the most of it. We've got each other here we can all just work together to make Hell a better place.

I can hear you drinking water. I can't protect you from time.

I grind my teeth. My dog is yowing because my parents dog is old and it's not good news. If I was dying. I'd take Benadryl and hope for the hat man.

Goes into the bathroom and dog is sitting in corner of the room. Ignore dog to use bathroom. Chilling. Dog walks up, scratches my thigh. Dog laughs. Wtf

Crunch, click click click... Crack.

I am nothing if not a jester.