PITIFULVIBES

love & isolation are so strange because in solitude, u create all these perfect scenarios for your imaginary darling—you would cut them fruit & dance in the kitchen & always kiss them twice in case the first one doesn't take properly—but as soon as you're given the chance, you fumble. it's so mortifying, having not practiced but taken so much time to plan it out, & you finally get your shot & you can hardly hold their hand or meet their eyes. you want love so badly & you've been deprived of others for so long, your actual capability is distorted. you wince at their touch or can only leave them small gifts when you're out of the room. the intensity increases, the thought that you don't deserve softness heightens. it's a terrible cycle: wanting & wanting & letting that want turn to a festering that ruins it before you can reel yourself back

when marya hornbacher said “how could i possibly love someone else when i couldn’t begin to conceive of showing them who i was?” and when maggie smith said “i carried my fear of the world as if it could protect me from the world” and when mitski said “you’re growing tired of me and all the things i don’t talk about” and when franz kafka said “i am fond of lovers but i cannot love, i am too far away, am banished” and when jamie varon said “fear kept me from a lot of things, but perhaps the most poignant was that it kept me from loving and opening myself to another person” and when clarice lispector said “i’m abandoning everything! everything! and that way i won’t be abandoned” and when taylor swift said “some things you just can’t speak about” and when butterscotch horseman said “i wanted you to respect me. i wanted you to love me. i was so afraid that you would know that” and when keith haring said “i am becoming very hard on the outside and even softer on the inside” and when fiona apple said “how can i ask anyone to love me when all i do is beg to be left alone?”

all I do is listen to music and think about my silly little fictional people

jo march really was like. i love the people around me and i cannot cope with them leaving and being mature and appealing enough to start new chapters in their lives while i'm still clinging into this idealised, carefree, comedy-like lifestyle i thought was gonna last forever. and i really thought platonic relationships could replace my repressed longing for a romantic one but now all my loved ones' first priorities became romance. meanwhile i cannot put myself out seeking a romantic relationship because that would automatically mean altering, belittleing, objectifying and compromising myself, my life would become a cliche with guaranteed unhappy ending because i feel like no one in this world could truly make me happy. and i do want to embrace my independent, single lifestyle but i guess i didnt calculate back then how lonely it's going to feel. it's like my only choice is between two types of unhappiness. jo march conveyed all this stuff and i'm not supposed to tear up just thinking about that goddamn movie???

I am so fucking sick of CGI this, CGI that. give me back on location filming (when possible), give me back intricate hauntingly realistic animatronics and puppets, give me back handmade props & masks & skillful make up……..just give me back practical effects I am begging

I’m saying this seriously. I think we’re gonna need to start treating air conditioning as a human right. Prisoners, the homeless, and generally the poor will suffer the most as our planet starts heating up

it’s so funny how immune i am to hustle culture. people will talk about taking breaks for their mental health and how difficult it was for them to do what was right for them and i’m like. it’s absolutely unreal how quickly i’ll dump something i don’t want to do anymore.

There’s this little thing about DAYS that I love (there are so many things about this show that I love!), is the fact that the deity that represents creation/life… is in perpetual state of dying, and the one that represents destruction/death cannot die (stop existing) itself… no matter how much he wants to do exactly that, as long as life exists he exists. It seems to be a dichotomy but it is actually perfect, life is an ephemeral thing, short or long, it’s always finite, death in the other hand… is permanent.