very good advice. it really helps when you give the other person something actionable. a request, a suggestion, an offer to brainstorm. donât complain; troubleshoot.
you donât have to be emotionless or conciliatory. itâs ok to express anger. just be mature about it, and respect the other person. donât go on a power trip, donât leverage your legitimate gripes to make them grovel. keep your eyes on the prize. if you donât know what the prize is, the next step is to tell them so and invite them to help you figure it out, not to moan until they miraculously do the right thing at random. even when youâre super upset you can still apply these skills.
wrong: âthis place is a damn landfill because nobody but me does any housework!â
right: âthere is some serious housekeeping fail going on around here. itâs kinda driving me bugfuck. i want to sit down and take a look at how we do the housework, because how weâre doing it right now sucks.â
see how the second one doesnât blame? blameâs not important. responsibility is important, but that has to be worked out calmly or itâs not going to be functional. the first person is picking a fight; the second person is trying to solve a problem. youâll notice theyâre not smoothing ruffled feathers or acting apologetic, theyâre clearly quite annoyed. but theyâre aiming their anger at the situation, not the person.
even if they are angry with their housemate, working those feelings out is beyond the scope of the conversation. trying to combine venting with chore planning is, imo, the number one cause of screaming kitchen fights on planet earth.
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