piper

By: Me (originally on Substack)

The place of your burial is very important

I want to be buried far from others

Far from civilization

Far from a cemetery

Far from old friends

Far from family

Far from my haunting past.

Somewhere only one person knows about

I want to find a place to share with someone

Our special spot

Our special love

Our special secret

i don’t have anyone to share this spot with

I will lie alone

No special love

Just alone

Buried with the family

Buried in the cemetery

Buried in civilization

Buried by old friends

I will die alone

I ache for a weeping willow to lie under

A river bed that will decay

Slowly taking my remains with it

When all is finished

I will float down the river

Then no one will ever find me

No one will ever come for me

For they will not know where I am

Except for the one special person

They will know my plan

They will watch me decay

They will watch me get closer to the water

They will watch me float away

They will take a bone from me

They will wear it

They will hold it

Everyday

Until we meet again

That bone of mine will be reburied

With them

In their casket

In their hole

In their hand

I will finally have peace

I hope to find the love I crave

I will hold it for ever

I love too hard

Blessed be the daughters of Cain. Bound to suffering enternal through the sins of their father committed long before their conception. Blessed be their whore mothers, tired and angry waiting with bated breath in a ferry that will never move again. Blessed be the children, each and every one, come to know their god through some senseless act of violence. Blessed be you girl, promised to me by a man who can only feel hatred and contempt toward you. I am no good nor evil, simply I am and I have come to take what is mine. I was there, in the dark, when you spilled your first blood. I am here now, as you run from me still. Run then, child. You can’t hide from me forever.

Okay so this isn’t my usual post. No photography, no pictures, just my words. So I recently got into an argument over God with someone I know. I do not believe in God anymore, I used to but I don’t now. I’ve been through many things that wouldn’t happen if God was really there. I grew up in a very strict Christian family, religion has always been pushed on me. I was always somewhat rebellious to it but it always ended in compliment. I am no longer religious, though I do like the aesthetics and vibe that the church brings, I hate the idea of selling my life to something I have never understood or felt was real. So the first main reason is that when I was around 5 or 6 I began getting abused by my parents. My father would physically abuse me and my mother would emotionally abuse me though that didn’t start until I was a little older. Now the year that I was 7 was the worst year of my entire life and I will never forget it. The abuse started to get worse and the sexual assault began. It all started when my sister would bring me to her room and make me “play the boy “ in a relationship. I’ve always been more masculine and never had very defining female features. She always said I have to play the boy because I look more like one, she said this well pointing at my 7 year old, pre puberty chest. It started with her making me kiss her. She would make me kiss her all over her body. Then she started making me go down on her. This lasted for 4 months. To tell you more about the abuse I endured there are many stories I could tell but I am choosing to talk about the most painful time. It may not shock you that I tell you I was 7 years old when this happened. My father is an alcoholic and my family were all out at a bar, I’m from Wisconsin so don’t let that shock you. It all started when I had called him out on being a different person when he is drunk. He got infuriated by this and dragged our family home. When we finally got home I tried to run to my room and hide from him because I knew what was coming. He grabbed me before I could do so. He dragged me to the kitchen where he began yelling at me about how I should be ashamed for talking about him in such a way and insisting that he is not a different person when he drinks. I talked back to him telling him that everything I said was true and he knew it. All this did was throw him over the edge. He first hit me across the face. I didn’t cry, so hit me again and again until I really was crying. I fully broke down and I thought it was over, but he was then mad at me for crying. He grabbed me by my shoulders and threw me against the wall. We had coat hooks on that very wall and my head perfectly landed right on one of them cracking my skull open. My head was gushing blood and I cried harder and louder though I had no tears left to cry. I begged and pleaded with him to take me to the emergency room but he refused. He said I got what I deserved for being such a bitch and made me go to bed. Obviously I could not sleep due to the fact that my head was still pounding and in unbearable levels of pain. This is the first time I am telling these things fully to a group of people. All these things combined make me believe that if God is real he’s a fucking bitch or he is not there at all. I’ve always heard that God gives the toughest people the toughest things to go through, I think it’s bullshit. I believe that is only said to make people believe that he has a plan for everything and everything is for a reason. I really think that it’s all a lie. If God was supposed to protect me and keep me safe he did a piss poor job at it. I’ve began to hate God, the Christian Church, the Christian faith, and the Christian community.

If you’ve read this all thank you and I hope this has helped you come to terms with your faith. Thank you for your time.

I’m gonna die next to you in this piece of shit town.