Pinsel, The Lynx

Suffice to say, I've officially become technical team lead for two critical IT services at the same time. Things and people have become dependent on me, which is a feeling extremely hard to fathom. What does it mean that my existence and my work could potentially impact hundreds if not thousands of people? This is the first time in my life that I have true responsibility for more than just myself now.

Not only have I grown at and through work (and I am still continue to grow; more or less, I have finally started to grow again!), I can and do also grow through my private life, especially due to the furry fandom. This year alone, I went to the NordicFuzzCon for the first time and thought I'd need to volunteer the next NFC. It truly was quite the experience; something I need to treasure.

Shortly after that, I went to Amsterdam on my own accord, to Furry Weekend Holland, to Waldcon, Tropical Furry Islands, and to Vienna just because I could. And soon, I'll be heading to the USA for BLFC! All in one single year. I need to cut back on that so that I don't burn out. This is probably one of two weekends this year I've been "just at home". Let's just say I was forced to spend some paid-time off that I accrued... and I did well with it.

I have no clue what the future holds. I'm aiming for an important promotion (way more important than just being technical team lead). I am aiming for more cons, more photoshoots, more personal progression. Who knows, I got good aim, maybe I should do some military service. Me as a lieutenant, ha, it shouldn't have been - which is a story for a different time.

There is a word I've been hearing and using a lot recently. "Rotieren." "To be rotating", translated, is a phrase for being more than "just busy". It's having all your hands constantly active with no real opportunity to rest. As soon as you finish one project, another appears at the same urgency as the last one. You get things done, but those things take energy and effort, but are most certainly rewarding. I have not felt boredom in a long time. What even is boredom? There are always things to do, and they're certainly not getting less. What's important is to carry on, because what I am carrying is not only important to myself but seems to be more important to others as well, which is a rejuvenating feeling.

What I do starts to finally matter; it's a feeling I always wanted to achieve and now that I do achieve it, it's hard to realize that I have reached my goal. My work matters, my hobbies matter. I do things, they get noticed. Not on a global scale, that would be too much to ask for, but most certainly in my vicinity.

It starts to fill me with pride despite still having the "autistic onlooker" in me. More so, I feel like this gives me a sleight of hand in comparison to others. I can choose to play the game everyone else is playing because I can now know what game is played when. If I want to be noticed, I will be noticed. If I do not want to be noticed, I will be below all radars. I fear that luck may not be on my side but fate still feeds my arrogance so that I shall continue my ways.

What is there more to say other than I just wish to have more time? What I am currently doing is sufficient, it's more than enough for one human and it creates value. I want to do more, I feel like I need to do more. But I'm just one human, I only have two hands and one brain. If only I had the chance to clone myself, I would be unstoppable. For now, I still try to do everything at once so I won't progress fast in one field but slowly in all fields and I won't see that changing anytime soon. I'm still young, I got the energy, I just can't split myself. All I know is that I am rotating. I have improved drastically, I will continue to improve.

I do not know what my true fate is, but I feel like fate has led me to this exact point and I am right where I should be... for now!