tab tak is dil ko sukoon na miley
As a Desi girl I saw myself in Emerie so in honour of that I have decided to write a little something something about how I interpret Emerie's thought about being an Illyrian woman in a High Fae society (so basically heavily inspired about my experience as a Desi girl living in the West). Enjoy!
All aspects of Emerieâs life were shrouded by the simple fact that she was an Illyian woman. An identity so ingrained into her being that she could not separate from it, even if she wanted to, nor can she separate the two from one another. She existed in a body that was deemed less than, and ill suited to the very people who vowed to protect, and serve her.Â
She is always overlooked, and dismissed at healers appointments. They deem her pain tolerance higher than the average Fae, claiming that she has thicker skin. Her wings slashed in a way to cause excruciating pain. The women of Emerieâs town were the only ones to take her claims seriously, but even then they couldnât access the proper materials. No herb she can take, or ointment she could apply, it was like rubbing salt into a wound, a daily reminder that she could no longer taste the sweet wind on her own accord. The maternal death toll of Illyrian women was so high that they all assumed that was how her mother had passed, a lie she ran with to shield herself from her fathers wrath.Â
Having a suitable lover was difficult too. Considering how she has the option of all types of people, it really shouldnât be that hard. Emerie is an intelligent, well accomplished, and beautiful woman. It wasnât like attracting a person was difficult to her, it was just that her lovers always came with some sort of relationship ending issue. Illyrian women are less likely to be open with their sexualities, leading to a string of unfulfilling relationships involving hidden, fleeting moments and the looming idea of brutality or even death. Illyrian men never seemed to value her as much as she needed, while they did appreciate her beauty and body, they rarely appreciated her brain, and soul. High Fae females often masculinized Emerie, placing her in the role of the cocky giver, not that she didnât partake in such a role every so often, but they automatically assigned it to her even if majority of the females had been with were more âmasculineâ than her. Emerie didnât even entertain High Fae men, she feared that they would have nothing in common, and would fetishize her or place themselves in the saviour role.
Sometimes, a truly rotten part of herself, yearns to be as blissfully ignorant as her Valkyrie sisters, to have that ability to be seen as just a woman and not an Illyrian one. Itâs not that they donât understand what she goes through, they see it firsthand, and are the first to come to her aid, but there was always a disconnect there; a disconnect only available due to their lived experience.
Nesta, originally a human, and the lowest rung of society, was Made into a High Fae, the top dog. It was a special type of hierarchy, one that Gwyn is acquainted with. Emerie sometimes finds comfort, and common ground with the copper haired priestess. They both experience prejudice due to this, but Gwyn still favours her High Fae side, she has the luxury to be deemed as respectable because of this quantum, something that Emerie simply couldnât do.Â
The High Lord has the same issue, although infinitely worse. He parades around his Illyrian nature only when it benefits him, only to assert dominance. What a peculiar thing to associate Illyrians with, violence, when all wars fought were because of a High Fae male being greedy. With all the power, and influence that the High Lord possesses he does not do a particularly good job painting Illyrians in a positive light. Perhaps Emerie shouldnât care that to the rest of Prythian, Ilyrians are only violent, insolent creatures but she does. A part of Emerie was glad that the High Lord was making strides to show off his Illyrian heritage, but a part of her resented it.Â
The other two âbatboysâ as they have called themselves, a nickname that Emerie finds off, were another ball park in of itself. Fully Illyrian soldiers elevated to the highest form of government in the Night Court. Cassian at least has the common decency to not abandon his people. He rarely speaks ill of them, and helps as much as he could while also engaging with his, hers, culture, but there was an air of otherness. A bitter reminder that he is âone of the good ones.â Azriel on the other hand is a self-hating Illyrian, one so angry at the universe for the shitty customs of his motherland that he simply disowned himself. She understood to a certain degree but she couldn't help but resent him, for whatever oppression he went through was nothing compared to the women. According to Nesta, he spends his days pining after blonde, brown eyed, damsels that he saved. This doesnât shock Emerie, of course only a light, and bright High Fae female is worth 'saving' and 'protecting'. Not that she would want that in the first place, it was just the principle that a High Fae female is coddled for any slight discomfort they feel, a rhetoric she knows Gwyn shares as well.Â
Emerie has her fair share of complaints with her culture. She hates the paternalist nature of it, she hates the division and the need to compete with one another, she hates the judgement, and lack of freedom. Yet she loves her culture, she loves the perfectly flavourful food, the vibrant outfits, the expressive dances, and deep folk songs. She loves the people too, as much as they donât love her, she will forever love them. Emerie is proud to be an Illyrian woman. To have courage and resilience running through every cell of her body, to empathize with others in a way that only she could understand, to wield her intelligence and strength in order to fight for the mothers, grandmothers, aunties and children, even the stubborn males. She is an Illyrian woman, and that is her power.
