hey

I had texted him to wish him a happy birthday and asked him if he had big plans. Instead he asked if I was doing anything Friday night. I told him I was going to buy ingredients for the hot pot and bao buns that I'd make for my cousins and sister on the weekend. I told him I can get the ingredients at lunch or the morning after so we agreed to meet on Friday night. There's always strange butterflies in my stomach every time we agree to plans.

I was ecstatic to finish work to go and see him. It feels different meeting him on a Friday rather during the week because it feels less rushed. We can  also ease into the weekend. It's nice to feel this kind of excitement over a man. I have now officially lost count of how many times we have met like this.

I love getting ready and making myself nice and deciding on an outfit. This sounds like I'm about to go on a date but I'm not even sure if I'm dating right now. What is dating in this decade?

It was a sunny day so it was a nice drive to his place. I love his area because it is by the seaside but may also be just biased because he is there. It took me through the city that day which was strange so I had to do a hook turn. I was eager to meet him.

When I buzz into his intercom and he answers and I love hearing his voice. He welcomed me into his apartment and often always ask if I'm hungry. I like how he always asks how I am! We went downstairs and ordered a pizza and he ran to a nearby wine store to get us a bottle of wine. It's nice being around him and sometimes I sneak a look at him and notice how good looking he is. It is like that crush feeling and I cannot stop this feeling.

We played a few rounds of Pandemic and the wine had definitely given me some giggles along the way. At one point he had reached over and tenderly held my face. It is these quiet moments that I remember more than anything else. We played the first game wrong so we played a few more rounds. It didn't matter because we were spending time together. Somehow I was nervous to look at him. I don't knew why I was feeling this way when I had been in his presence so many times before that? I guess he is a lot older which makes me extra extra nervous.

We ended up cuddling on the couch and I stayed over again.

I had to wake up early to go clean my house to prepare it to have people over but otherwise it would've been nice to eat breakfast together with him.

As much I want to downplay how meeting up, he gives me feelings and affections that I have never experienced before. I never knew these feelings and affections had been missing from my life. I don't know if I'm on the right path but I know for certain that this is the current path that I want. Life is what happens in the middle they say? Or was it life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Recently, I started to pack my belongings into boxes to move them to a new house I just bought. And it was then that I realised I should’ve gotten rid of stuff from ex ages ago but have been too lazy to and they have just sat at the back of a cupboard untouched for years. Why do I have all these hand made gifts still? What use are those now? Has it been 1.5 years since my break up already? I feel like because I have achieved so much in life in that time, I feel like the time has gone by so fast.

I really still like this new guy in my life but am taking the feelings slow because I know how getting attached too much to someone can impact my life. Or maybe now I know how much I am able to make my own life decisions, I can carry that onto my next relationship? I have let this new guy know my feelings and he has been completely supportive. The only thing is we have a huge age difference between us and he probably wants to be more serious about life. I feel a lot of attraction to him and I am just enjoying being able to feel this. It has been a while and has made me realised I had problems in my previous relationship.

I’ve been thinking lately more about what I want to find in a future partner. Most of the time though, it seems to divert back to finding qualities in someone that was lacking from my previous partner. I guess that’s the good thing about a relationship ending and now I know all the things I do and don’t want.

I want a future partner who makes me feel safe and secure into my life. Even though I know that I have to be happy and secure by myself first but I think this is a nice to have. I remember it got really sour at the end of my previous relationship where I told him ‘...you know how some people look for a future partner that is similar to their dad? My dad has always protected me (some may even say over-protective) but you are nothing like him’. He replied ‘if you are wanting someone who is stronger, I can’t be that person but I will try in other aspects. I will come back and we can finally live together as well. I can ask my company next week’. But by then, I couldn’t imagine sharing the same space with him let alone a home. It is one of the crappiest feelings I’ve ever been through. I told him that i didn’t mean that I wished he was a stronger to make me safer but he didn’t make me feel safe and secure and being happy with the way that my life currently was then. I became that horrible person at the end that tried to change their partner into someone that they are not.

I also want a partner who shows his care and love in his actions. I had lacked some gestures in my relationship so I had started to notice the things that other men do. I noticed one guy opened the door for me when I went to my car. I don’t really need a guy to do that but I notice the gesture. I noticed another guy takes notice of what I say and doesn’t try to offer a solution to everything but just listen to what I am saying. I remember he didn’t rush me into making a decision and told me that I’ll eventually figure it out. I felt really calm because I felt like someone was listening to me at my own pace. I noticed another guy who would see something that I would like and would give me a call to ask if I wanted him to buy it for me. I appreciated the call because he called me at an every day moment and didn’t only give me a call when things went downhill. It took me almost thirty years to realise that my love language is Acts of Service. I love it when guys show through their actions. He used to gift me things maybe to make up for our lack of time together but gifts is not my love language. Maybe it was his love language. Having less gifts, physical touch or words of affirmation won’t effect me much  (or maybe I do need a little of touch and kind words) but if there are no Acts of service then that is a noticeable thing for me. Another thing I have learnt is that people should show their love through their partner’s love language and not their own love language because otherwise they will be just wasting their time.  It also concerns me that it took almost a decade and we have never had this conversation but maybe he just wasn’t the right person to have this conversation with.

I also want someone who would give me feelings of desire. I didn’t realise until recently but the relationship should’ve ended years before it did because I had stopped seeing him as a desirable partner for physical and emotional intimacy.

During the end of the conversation mentioned earlier, he said he hopes one day I find what I am looking for one day. I am looking for someone who will give me feelings of desire, safety and security which I had lacked previously. Feelings of safety and security doesn’t just come through being physically present. As you can see, to me it comes from every day things like a random phone call, acts of service, someone who allows me to openly communicate and if they are able to integrate with my family and friends that is a plus. 

Saturday, July 23rd, 2022:

Today, I met up with my friend at 9.30AM for a bakery run for some chocolate almond croissants. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything during the early hours of Saturday morning that doesn’t involve looking at properties. I am looking at some today but both are in the afternoon.

I enjoyed my driving this morning. It was raining but I didn’t mind getting out early to meet my friend and enjoy the small things in life.

Arrived at the local bakery and her boyfriend was going to come chill out for a bit with us too but we would go op shopping without him. We all picked up some chocolate almond croissants but they also had many other delicious bakery goods there!

We then drove to a local op shop and spent some time there. I managed to pick up a very nice coat and I may wear it to an event coming up. I just got to figure out how to dry clean this coat. I usually also look at second hand books here but I didn’t manage to find any that I wanted to buy.

I then did a little window shopping at Betts since I’ve been eyeing these high boots that were on sale but decided to see in store (the ‘Gina’ boots) but sadly they are sold out. What a bummer!

Afterwards, I dropped by the 2pm house inspection and another one at 3pm. I am eyeing the second place now and plan to buy it. I asked them if the vendor can accept offers that are lower than the advertised cost. It makes me realise that we are definitely in a buyer’s market at the moment if I can ask these types of questions because I have seen properties drop down their advertised costs some time after the initial inspection. Not only does it meet all my must haves, it is also a 2min walk to shopping centre, 1min walk to a bus stop, has a bathroom downstairs, is about 12min drive from universities (so I can think about renting it off in the future), 10km from my workplace and the property is fairly new (under four years old). The place has exceeded my expectations. The only downside is there is no garage and only a car port, has a small kitchen and is not located near my family. I am hoping to speak with the real estate agent on Monday and ask them if I can buy via private sale and have a condition on the contract according to finance. I am scared but also very excited.

Sunday, July 24th, 2022:

Today was a less productive day. I woke up at 8.30AM but somehow woke up again and it was 11.30AM. Today is one of those days.

I just chilled around the house with my family but then at 3PM decided to do a little drive because I work from home and it usually means I want to get out and about on the weekend. The only downside is the high costs of petrol at the moment.

Decided to do my nails with a light pink colour and it turned out very cute. This is probably a purchase I need to cut out once I start paying for my mortgage I think. It’s something new that I have done since I have started living this single life.

It was getting dark already and had to stop by the supermarket to pick up some toilet paper, sandwiches, milk and ham for my family since both of my parents are unwell this weekend. Thankfully, toilet paper is cheap at this shopping centre this weekend, how lucky!

Today was just a day I needed to mentally catch up with myself after getting out of isolation last weekend. I am still going to crowded places but am a bit more weary now and am wearing face masks everywhere in crowded spots again.

Monday, July 25th, 2022:

Today is one of those days where I woke up and knew I had to power through a bunch of tasks. There’s no better way to start the week then powering through a bunch of things on the first day of the week.

There were a few parts lists that I was working on today. We also had a team meeting and I had another meeting with my team lead to see if I was on the right direction for the parts lists. Since I have a forty hour week, it is no excuse to not get a lot of things done in a day.

The real estate still hasn’t called me back today but I have had some real estates who call me back on a Tuesday to see how I felt about a property over the weekend. I am still eyeing this property but am trying to not get too attached emotionally to it because then I don’t want to make decisions that I will regret.

After work, I felt like it was time to do a clean up of myself like waxing my legs and plucking the hairs off to shape my eye-brows, my upper lip and my face. I feel like winter is become lazy in taking care in this part of myself.

Anyways, the team is having our Lessons Learnt at an offline location at a hotel conference room tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 26th, 2022:

Today my team is having a Lessons Learnt Day at a hotel in Richmond. Since the work day started off later than usual at 9.30AM, the morning commute today didn’t feel as hectic as it normally world.

I looped around the streets around the hotel a few times but I only found a bunch of 2 hour parking spots. So I thought I’d just make my way into the hotel and park there and just pay the $25 per day. Since I’ve started working at this workplace, I have started to pay a lot of parking costs around the eastern suburbs.

The Lessons Learnt Day started off with a little bit of fun by the team playing ‘Two truths one lie’ to break the ice. I’ve been at this company for eight months now but it has felt like a lot longer because I have spent a lot of nights working till midnight (which is a habit I have stopped now). I’ve started to understand more about the project now.

At lunch, we had a catered lunch at the buffet section of the hotel. Finances must have paid a lot for the team to have our Lessons Learnt here at this hotel. The food was really good and I love the fish that they served. I also got to know another team mate because he recently came back from working in Canberra and recently just bought a house. It was nice to speak with someone who also had the stress of working in another state and going back and forth during this pandemic.

Overall, I thought the day was nice but in reality, I think for the project to be successful, plans just need to be made in detailed and advanced. I hope management are able to incorporate the discussion notes into their plans.

On the way home from work, I started listening to the audiobook “A Little Life” which is an 800 page book about a group of friends and the main character is someone who has physical/psychological trauma and a disability. So far it is a good book. Listening to audiobooks during my car rides have become some of my favourites memories this year.

Today I saw that the property I was eyeing had dropped it advertised cost. Just what I had expected. However the real estate still hasn’t called me but because they are changing the ad, maybe they are just busy? I sent them a request if they have the contract available. It is intense waiting for a response and am not sure when it is appropriate to give them a call. This is the first time dealing with this real estate agent who is this unresponsive.

Wednesday, July 27th, 2022:

Just realised I did not write a journal entry for Wednesday.

Thursday, July 28th, 2022:

Today, I came into the office because there is a company Happy Hour at 5PM today. I haven’t hung out personally with many people at my workplace yet. I felt like it was good to come in today. 

Because my team mate wasn’t in the office this week, I felt like more people at work approached me at my desk today to ask questions. I feel like they were less intimidated with me being surrounded by less people near my desk space.

At lunch, I went to this Japanese restaurant close by to work called Hakata Gensuke. I think it is one of the best Japanese restaurants in Melbourne so I am glad that it is close by to work. The food was delicious and I would totally come back to it!.

At about 5PM today, I headed off to the pub without another engineer from work. She’s Vietnamese and is about the same age as me as well! At the pub, I caught up with another colleague and he was also from my previous work place so that was a nice little catch up. 

I parked nearby and the drive home wasn’t too bad at that time of night. I continued listening to the audiobook “A Little Life” but I felt like I was a little distracted today so I changed to listening to music halfway through the commute home.

I was distracted by the though of buying a house and why a particular guy won’t text me much throughout the week. I can’t believe I am feeling this. We are not in a relationship with each other and I should start listening to my advice that I just can’t expect people to text me and give me relationship reassurances throughout the week because we had never spoken those terms. It makes me sad but it is a reason of maybe why I was distracted on the way back home. I can always model the behaviour that I want to see from him, but what if he doesn’t want it this way? Sigh some communication needed I guess...

Friday, July 29th, 2022:

Today, I had a few things to do on my plate. I woke up really tired this morning and work has been starting to make me feel very exhausted in the week nowadays. I can’t wait for the weekend to start so I can chill.

I had to get my parts lists out the door today because the Procurement Team are getting very antsy. I also spent some part of my day today trying to get the contract off the real estate agent (finally because I had to call them... how annoying!) and then sending the contract to my mortgage broker and also to my property lawyer.

My sister’s flight from Tasmania landed at about 12.30PM today so I had an early lunch and then drove up to the airport to pick her up. The airport looked pretty quiet at lunch today. The weather was beautiful and I’m sad that I had spent most of it at my desk.

I received the report back from my property lawyer by COB today but not from my mortgage broker and their conveyancer yet. I do pay my property lawyer a lot more so they get things done a lot faster and in more detailed. You have to pay for the details I guess. I will read it later tonight and then think about it over the weekend.

Right now would be a good time to go out for a friday night drink to get my mind off things but I’ve been so busy today, and wish I had made some plans.

Saturday, July 30th, 2022:

Today, I had plans to meet up with a friend for high tea about brunch time. I didn’t have any houses that I wanted to inspect today. I also had that house on my mind and had a plan that I’d drive to the area after work and see what the area is like at night. That is what some people have suggested when you are able to make a house purchase.

High tea was lovely today. We also dropped by the HER bar today and it was my first time there. It was so nice to see the liveliness of the bar and the people. I ordered an apple gimlet and it was an interesting choice of a cocktail and would totally order it again! We also got a seat at the edge of the roof top so it was nice to also see the city scape.

Walked around a bit before dropping by a Hong Kong cafe/eatery for some cheese baked spaghetti with some meat chops. So yummy! There were also some Thai grocery store and street food like stall she took me to as well.

On the way back to my car, I dumbly found out that I had no idea where my parking ticket was. It is usually a habit for me to put it inside my phone case but because I was rushing this morning, I must have left it on my lap, stood up and walked outside the car and the ticket must have blown somewhere throughout the day. Ran frantically to the parking office but with only 10 minutes left of their opening hours, they didn’t answer my call. Went back to the ticket machine and called intercom and got through to them. Paid for a lost ticket.

Monday 27/6/2022:

Today is a day in the office so like usual office day, I woke up at 6.30AM so I can leave the house by 7.20AM. That’s how long it usually takes for me to make my coffee, get dressed, wear my makeup and put my laptop in my bag.

My commute to the office is usually 1 hr and 10min in peak hour traffic at that time (but google often says it takes 55min). This morning, I was listening to a book called “Quiet” which is a book about how introverts can survive in an extroverted world.

I arrived at the office at about 8.40AM where I read my emails before my 9AM meeting with a someone from Sweden about how they’re doing a similar project over there.

I also had a meeting in Oakleigh today with the ILS people. The meeting there was at 11AM to ask them questions about their systems. Work trips like these are a good bonding session I reckon. A work mate that is currently on maternity leave messaged me on the way there asking how the project is going. It makes me realise that it’s nice to have work mates who are like friends outside of work as well who care for your wellbeing.

We arrived at Oakleigh and had the meeting. Came back to the office and went to this local banh mi place nearby on the corner of the office and then completed the rest of my day at the office where I approved the Minutes that were ready to be sent out. I also accepted an invite to represent my industry at coincidentally the university where I did my studies and am now an alumni. Isn’t it strange that I have come full circle now since I graduated six years ago?

The women of the office are having a lunch on Thursday to celebrate a belated ‘International Women in Engineering’ lunch and we have all agreed to wear pink for the lunch. Luckily I love wearing raspberry colours which is close enough to pick!

On my commute home, I started listening to a new audiobook called ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ which is a book about a man who truly lived his life to the fullest, despite dying quite young from cancer.

I also dropped by a local Asian food mart to pick up some lollies for my sister and some pork belly, Ssamjang sauce and Vietnamese lettuce because I will be having dinner with a colleague from my previous workplace tomorrow. I cannot wait for tomorrow.

Tuesday 28/06/2022

Today, I am working on some actions that resulted from the Minutes that were approved yesterday. The hardest part of this work is finding new parts.

Today someone went to pick up ‘The Midnight Library’ and ‘Conversation with Friends’ books. I enjoyed those books because they were so hyped up in the book community but I probably won’t ready them again so I decided to sell them on Facebook Marketplace. I find that the books that have been on TikTok (the only thing I view TikTok videos on) have all really bad recommendations. I was also listening to the yesterday’s audiobook whilst eating my lunch today.

Exercised after work and then decided on what I should wear. I packed the pork belly, sauce and Vietnamese lettuce to bring over to my old work mate’s place. Maybe I should stop calling him my workmate from my previous workplace since I’ve had a crush on this guy for a little while now. I couldn’t wait for him to try the meal because he hasn’t been exposed to Asian cuisine much. I’m usually scared about talking about this guy because sometimes I cry in my personal life not knowing whether this guy will be just temporary but I just want to enjoy time with him and that is all that matters for now.

The weather is getting a bit cold outside but I don’t mind the driving so much. Plus he lives near the beach so it’s quite a nice area to drive to, despite being in the middle of winter right now.

Drove over to his place and enjoyed the nicely thinly sliced pork belly. It also warmed my heart that he loved the dish.

Wednesday 29/06/2022

Today I am working from home. Started the day with a 9.15AM meeting with our weekly meeting with the Commonwealth so I knew the day was gonna be busy. The 9.15AM time allows for morning pick ups for other work mates. This time instead (as I don’t have kids) allows me to shower and make a coffee.

After that meeting, I had an 11.30AM to 1.30PM meeting with a work mate. The meeting wasn’t supposed to go that long throughout lunchtime so one of the things I don’t like about one of my work mates is she isn’t very conscious of allowing a work life balance. She is not really an easy person to talk to but I guess I don’t really need to be friends with all work mates I guess. Sometimes moments like these makes me miss my old work mates but it was time last year for me to move on and quit the company.

Today isn’t a particularly interesting day. I was going to meet some friends this afternoon for a market but we have postponed it to another week.

Anyway since today is a hump day, I just had to power through my tasks. After that meeting, I was on a roll to update the Spec Impact, Parts Impact and Impact Summary. I love days where status tables can show progress.

At about 4.45PM, I finished the day off early (I have a 40 hour work week so I don’t usually finish this early) so I can get ready to go to the temple because today is my grandma’s 100 days death anniversary. I arrived at the temple at about 5.30PM where I saw the rest of my uncles, aunties and cousins. The temple was a bit cold today.

I’m not sure why but I feel like a distance has grown between my sister and one of my cousins. I feel like the conversation between all my cousins and I have started to form a gap since my grandma passed away. But as I grow older, I have learnt that i don’t need to force relationships with people because there are relationships in my life that I should put more focus into. Time is a really invaluable resource.

Thursday 30/06/2022

Today is another day in the office. I woke up at 6.30AM as per usual. 

I am listening to the “When Breath Becomes Air” again today and I think I may finish this book today. This is the best book to read during mundane tasks such as these morning commutes because it shows me how vulnerable and great life is. Google maps took me to work today via the north which is strange because it never takes me that way. However it gave me an insight to see what commutes if I end up buying a place up north.

I arrived at work and completed the finishing touches to one of my design documents before a 10.30AM meeting with my team. It’s nice to have a team catch up face to face in the office. I found out today there there will be a grad joining the team in three weeks time. It wasn’t long ago since I was a graduate myself so it’s nice to see how much I have achieved in six years.

I came into the office today because we are having a belated “International Woman In Engineering” lunch at a nearby pink cafe. Got a nice pink latte that was in a cocktail glass and some yummy corn fritters that were also pink. Fika theme of the cafe. Fika is a swedish thing where colleagues enjoy some cake and coffee together so this theme also matched the the fact my company is also swedish company. Got some nice photos as per always at this place as well.

Had to rush back for a 1PM Config Control Board meeting.

Spent the rest of the day finishing off my design document and started the document review cycle for the design document just before I finished the day at 5.15PM. Gee the days feel like they’re so short now with the sun setting at about this time! On my commute home, I also finished the “When Breath Becomes Air” so today is a day of finishing things I started!

Friday 01/07/2022

I can’t believe it is July already. I still haven’t been able to buy a house and I am getting a bit frustrated. I hope I am able to find one before this year ends so I have something to look forward to. It’ll be nice to have people over.

Today is Friday and I am trying to finish off any tasks I can finish off for this week. I needed to collaborate with the Procurement Team with. I feel so tired today which usually happens the day after I have commuted into the office. There are some structuring of the organisation today but it doesn’t really effect the Melbourne team that much so that is good thing. I like things the way they are. 

Work also had a weaving workshop today so that was fun too.

Nearly almost the end of the day, I found out that I had comments on a design document from the Commonwealth. So much to do next week and it hurts my head to think about it already .There are some problems that I don’t know how to solve yet so I need to figure out how to overcome those problems. I guess that’s what my job is for...

Someone also dropped by after work to pick up “The Four Agreements” which is a book I was also selling on Facebook Marketplace. 

I also realised that I have finished three books this week: “How To Be Single And happy”, “When Breath Becomes Air” and “Quiet, the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” so that itself been a great achievement.

Let the weekend begin!

Saturday 02/07/2022

Usually I like to sleep in on Saturday mornings. However I don’t sleep in so much that I miss out on seeing properties on Saturday mornings. I hope I am able to find a place soon so I can get my weekends back. I am so excited to have my own place.

I think I got out of bed pretty late this morning but this leaves me enough time to go make a coffee and talk a little with my parents before heading off for house inspections. I have one today to see at West Footscray. It wasn’t an area that I was initially looking in but the price popped up in my price range so I decided to put it on my to see list.

The property was nice and met all my must haves. The only thing that I am considering at the moment is the price and of course with the interest rates rising, price is something that is on all buyer’s minds at the moment. The more I search, the more I start to know what I really want as must haves for my house and what are my nice to haves. It is often the pricing or “I don’t really like it” are often my main reasons why I don’t go through with asking for the contract for the place.

Whilst looking at the property, a friend was wondering if I was free to catch up for some coffee. It’ll be good to see her since I was going to go pick up a game about 7km from her place so coffee nearby there sounded great.

They had a nice deal for a lunch deal and Mimosa (+$7) which is a great deal but I wasn’t hungry enough to get lunch so we decided to get some small dishes and some hot drinks which was very nice. 

There has been a thought that has been very exhausting to have in my head.

He went to lie down. It was as if he knew that when people discuss issues whilst lying down, they are more likely to sort out their issues because they are not in a defensive position. 

I sat at the kitchen table for a while longer, before following him to where he was lying down. However, I was kneeling beside him because I supposed my defence was still up.

Me: “Am I making you feel tired?”

Him: “I’m exhausted”.

Me: “I’m exhausted in my head!”.

Him: “Please me what the problem is”.

Me: “I’m scared of what you’ll think”.

Him: “Please tell me”.

Me: “Don’t be judgemental (this I kept repeating to him)”.

Him: “Since when am I ever judgemental?”

Me: “you’re right, I’m probably the judgemental one so I shouldn’t expect everyone else to be”.

I continue to sit there kneeling whilst looking at him.

Him: “Please tell me”.

I took a deep breath. And told him.

I said “No one knows about this” as one tear ran down my face. 

He held out his arms and his body language that told me to come into him for a hug.

He consoled me saying there are many marriages that had these kinds of problems and I am had just experienced one of those issues in my previous relationship. He told me that at least I had found out about this earlier than later before my life may have been more tied up. I told him it’s one of the reasons why I say shit like I had wasted my twenties away when I could’ve spent it by myself to figure out myself. I told him about the things I have told my friends.

Him: "You’re so young and you’ve become so successful at such a young age. You have your whole life ahead for you. Are you okay now? You’re talking out your issues. You are doing great today”. It was if he knew that all I needed was for someone to tell me that I am doing great today.

I’m finally learning to talk out my issues during the same day and not kicking the can down the road like I once used to.

Today is the second last day of the year. For some reason, last night I was feeling a bit... how do I say this... lonely? I thought that was a bit strange since I had spent the last few days with people so why was I feeling this last night? I think it is because I had spent the last ten Christmases and New Years with a significant other and this year I would not have one. Right now it is just my dad and me in this house. We’re both introverted people so it’s nice to have the quiet for a little bit. 

My ex boyfriend is probably back in this state for the holiday season. Anyways I don’t want to think about that right now. 

It’s funny how much emotional space a significant other can take up.

This last year taught me more than what I had learnt in my last ten years. Or was it because I went through so much that it made the lessons in the other nine years a bit smaller in impact in comparison.

On a career that was stalling:

I started off this year being in a rut. I had applied for another role in my team just to try out for it. I think my manager at the time opened that senior role because he lacked the technical skills to lead that team so he needed someone to help him. He didn’t get back that I hadn’t gotten the role after seven weeks. Looking back now, he shouldn’t have taken that long to get back to me. If he didn’t want me for the role, he should have rejected my application right away. 

The few months that followed, I didn’t have much confidence in myself because I didn’t think that my manager supported my career development. Some even told me to move teams. I remember there was one day where I went to the pub with some work mates and I didn’t even want to go back to a meeting my team had. I was in such a bad mental state. 

About two months later, I saw a job listing that I wanted to apply for at another company (that fit my career direction) and then two months after that I was offered the role. The people at my previous company were really good people who have become like a family to me now and we still chat most days nowadays. It’s a shame that the senior management did nothing about that team’s problems and I didn’t get the career development that i needed. Since moving to my new company, I feel that my new manager allows a healthier mental space and he trusts me with tasks at work and motivates me to do well. 

What I want to tell my eighteen year old self is to not be afraid of change. I want her to know that if she believes she can learn more from something else, then don’t be afraid to do something different. One can always go back to something if it doesn’t work out.

On LDR relationships:

Oh boy is this an interesting one to tackle. I had already started writing a little at the top of this post about how I feel this holiday season and why I probably want this holiday season to go away at the moment. I think work would probably distract me from thinking. Anyways, hopefully this will be the last time I write about a particular someone. 

Friends have said that at least I went through this break up and now I know exactly what I need. Isn’t it strange that it takes the breaking of something to finally know what I now need? Most people though go through their first breakup in their teens and there I was sitting at 27-28 going through my first. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that I had wasted the last 10 years but then switch my thoughts to thinking to all the lessons that I have finally learnt. A bit late but better late than never. The relationship was never going to work out and I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of how the relationship wasn’t good for me until nine years in.

Why did it never cross my mind that I should’ve thought more about the fact that I could never imagine getting engaged to him or imagine having a kid with him. Why didn’t I see this an an issue? Engagements or having a kid is not the be all or end all situation for me but I just couldn’t imagine him providing the financial or emotional security to a kid when I feel like he couldn’t provide those securities to me. I guess that was the problem and wasn’t so the fact that I couldn’t imagine myself getting engaged at this time in my life. He always said he admired my ability to be strongly driven by life goals but what I never pointed out was it would be nice for me to receive some security as well. 

I don't know why I didn't see the inevitable downfall. Nine months ago, my co-workers at the time told me how miserable I had looked and said I didn’t look ecstatic whenever I was about to take a flight over the weekend on Friday evenings every month or so. They would say things like “your flight is this Friday isn’t it? Why don’t you look happy?”. In those moments, I didn’t really register it as something that made me feel down. I thought that was just my life and I would have to deal with the ongoing and expensive commuting. Maybe I was angry at the people who reminded me how stuck I was.

I blame LD for the breakup. Our time apart totalled almost two years with him being halfway across the world and in another state. It made me see that I could live my life without him. The last few times I went up to visit I would question why I was there and if I could handle moving up there. These were all red flags weren’t they? Anyways, I just couldn’t imagine myself working from home in the apartment all day, do couple things after work and knew no one else up there.  I was in a relationship since I was 18 and probably involved with him since I was 16 so I never got a chance to figure out how I wanted to live my life as an adult. 

Another thing that was an issue was we never knew when the LDR would end. Many people now tell me that is a big issue for a relationship because you always must go or at least attempt to go in the same direction. But at that time, it was just another normal in my life. He wanted me to move there and I wanted him to move here but it was never clearly communicated as we both didn’t want to pressure the other into making a decision. He thought that was a bad thing about me that I didn’t go out of my comfort zone or didn’t have an opened mind about moving to live at another place during my twenties. But we were going through a pandemic for Christ sake. What was worse was when I started thinking that if I really loved someone in the future would go anywhere for them. If I had stayed with him, I would’ve been living the next few years of my life in limbo because we probably still won’t make up our minds about where we both physically wanted to be. In the end, I believe it was distance that created this emotional space between us, with me being the culprit for not loving him enough. All those times he asked me if I could move out with him, I would tell him that I wasn’t ready and said my family didn’t want me to (which probably was true at that time). He would say things like I didn’t love him enough or cared about family more and now thinking about it... I probably didn’t and probably did care about my family more. We should’ve went our separate ways a couple of years ago (the seven year itch?) when he decided to do his own things. At that time I thought I was young so I believed that he could do whatever he wanted and I would’ve at some point figured myself out. But of course that never happened. Now I no longer want a future partner who would leave for months physically away from me and live a life elsewhere without me. Is that selfish? 

Anyways, as of right now, I have found a new job in Melbourne and plan to buy a property in Melbourne next year as well and am reclaiming myself with things that are important to me. These are the biggest two things that would have made him mad in the past because they are both Melbourne based. However I don’t want to waste my emotional space thinking about the what ifs and what someone else thinks of my life decisions. It’s funny that because we were both young, it meant that our lives were at the forefront of our decision making and we didn’t consider each other. Right now, I’m so proud of where I have achieved. I’m so proud of doing a job that I like now and that one day when I purchase my new place, I’ll have the family and friends who have supported me during my rough times.

I wanted him to change so much. I also realise now that I shouldn’t place expectations on my next partner either and just appreciate them for who they are, even their flaws, but who knows maybe I don’t even know how to do that yet? In saying that though, what my family and friends also think of my next partner is also very important because they can see problems before I can. I need someone who can integrate with my family and friends. Someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’m wasting his time because he has to attend the social gatherings of my family and friends. It’s strange that I somehow don’t think these requests are selfish anymore because I’m finally thinking of all the needs that I now require in a significant other. I think I completely lost myself in the relationship as well. 

Speaking of which and not to put all the blame on him... I also had a lot of wrongs in the relationship as well. Because I never saw my parents fight, I always saw my arguments as an end situation. I never learnt  to argue civilly with him or maybe we just couldn’t compromise effectively. We fought all the time especially during the end and never solved any issues properly. We just kept verbally attacking each other. We rarely compromised and it always felt like we were pulling a rope continuously between us hoping one will let go, but no one ever did. I also kept things in and didn’t tell him when I was angry, sad or disappointed because I didn’t want to cause fights. But that led to the downfall of the relationship because I no longer felt like was speaking to the safest person in my life.  I now need a partner who allows me to be a better communicator. I always remember this one particular happening whilst we were interstate. I remembered I wanted to go outside to the car in the dark to get something and had some crazy neighbours. Being the stubborn person that I was, I never would’ve asked him to keep me company so I just went outside. If I had said what was on my mind, I wouldn’t still be thinking about this moment as a bad moment.

At the end, it got a bit toxic where we started to remember and bring up each others wrongs so that’s was probably the breaking point in the relationship in that we were not compatible or would compromise easily for each other.

During our last week, I started to think that our life together was fake. How is possible that almost ten years have passed and I’m still living in my parents’ house whilst the lives of other people have progressed ahead infront of me? My friends have been a constant support to me nowadays telling me of all the things I have achieved like “look how far you’ve progressed in your career since school finished?” or “look at all the Asian countries you’ve been to with a variety of people” or “look how much you’ve changed since school finished? You’re more confident in showing your real sassy personality now”. It put into perspective to not compare to other people’s lives but when you’re stuck in the dark moments, it’s hard to think otherwise. 

In the end, he started to panic and said he’ll move back and find a job here. He also said we can also move in together. But at the point, I started to imagine myself buying my own home and living in it by myself. I was beginning to give up. I didn’t understand why mu body was reacting the way it was reacting - flinching at his touch. I drank so much after the break up and hope that one day no would stop loving me abruptly the same way as I had abruptly stopped loving him. Or was the relationship supposed to end years ago and I was just lying to myself and to everyone around me just to make it work? Friends have asked if I had been putting on a facade.

Nine months later I have finally started to be more open writing down these thoughts here and not keep it inside. My friends have been so happy that I am learning to reclaim myself again and becoming more the person I was always meant to be.  Post breakup, it’s so nice to have family and friends support my life decisions. 

Sometimes when I see other people get lots of hugs or others who get engaged, my mind wonders into dark corners. I start to think maybe they are sending out more love to the world and therefore receive a lot of love back. My mind wonders into dark corners and start to think maybe if I didn’t joke around and throw people under the bus as jokes, maybe I will receive some love back too. I talk as if hugs will solve all my problems. I’m going the process of learning how to be happy on my own and making sure that the things in my life are making myself happy. It’s a scary thought knowing that I can’t blame anyone in my life (whether a significant other  or boss or friend or whatever).... I think that’s been an amazing lesson to carry on through my life! I see so many now who blame others for their life.

One good thing about going through a break up is my late twenties is knowing that distracting myself with filling my weekly schedule with social outings isn’t a long term solution and just let myself feel the pain to understand more about myself and the standards that now want not just in a future relationship but also platonic friendships.

Sometimes I do think I should send a message to check up on him as a friend would and maybe explain some of the things I have written about above. How is he going living alone? Or maybe he is living with somebody now. But how can you check up on someone as a friend who used to be someone you just mentally checked out with one day? I don’t think I’ve not given him the closure he needed because he doesn’t know some things I’ve finally got a chance to flesh out... but maybe it doesn’t matter...

So if I had a change to tell my eighteen year old self something, it would be to tell her to not forget who she is when she is in a relationship, remember that relationships are not meant to be filled in mostly bad moments and that sometimes breaking things off is better than continuing something that is causing pain. 

On flirting with someone new:

I’ve been flirting around with this new guy a lot over messages and even in real life. 

At first I was thinking how can he do this? How can he flirt with me when he used to love someone else? I guess this is me coming out of my first relationship where I still coming to terms with things for the first time. Because he was a colleague, I had to keep a watch on myself sometimes so I don’t do anything inappropriate as work mates but now thinking back, I probably did some things that I wouldn’t do with other work mates. 

In the last week on the job, because we were the only ones in the level, he invited me over to his work space and I sat next to him for a day. The days after, people in his work space were back so I didn’t sit next to him anymore. But I still think back to that day sometimes. And our work mates would joke around that I wasn’t replying to them as I usually would because I was too in awe talking to him next to me at work. 

We were giggling and making each other laugh and I realised I had never flirted in this way with my ex-boyfriend. The kind where you just want to touch someone’s arm but didn’t want to for HR reasons or have the kind of giggling that would 100% annoy anyone who would be sitting in a nearby cubicle. The kind that would make you want to share an ice cream with someone or smile with big smiles just being in their presence. The kind where you call each other nicknames. Was my first relationship not the movie/fairy-tale like one because I had not experienced this at the beginning of that relationship? 

The following days, he would ask what time I’ll finish work and we would walk out of the building at the end of the day together. And one lunch, our work mates made us sit next to each other on a bench in the park (at a park because at the restaurant we found our one of my work mates wasn’t fully vaccinated so we all decided to go eat at the park). 

We also played the “Fuck, Marry or Kill” game with each other over messages about other guys and girls at the company so he knew exactly who I thought was attractive or not at the company. 

All the above happened in the last week at my previous work place. 

I then switched jobs and the weeks that followed were flirtatious messages coming from both sides. There was one point where we openly acknowledged the flirting. “As if you don’t enjoy the flirting”, “Remember that time I called you a superhero?”, “When you get your new house, can I come over?” and calling each other nicknames. He even sent me messages on his business trip overseas and checked up on me when I was hanging out late with other work mates of ours whilst he was overseas. Don’t think he was feeling jealous about me hanging out with others because he had already known who I had found attractive in the work place and I was not hanging out with them at that time. There was no jealously and we talked openly. He can also spend quality time me and talk deeply about life - not just what is happening in life. And gives me words of affirmation telling me he is proud of what I had accomplished or that I’m smart or tells me he likes me how I am and shouldn’t change. I never received these words of affirmation from my ex.

What I would tell my eighteen year old self is to live in the moment, not be afraid of expressing certain emotions and don’t be afraid to see where life goes. 

And that’s where I’ll end this post about 2021.... and that sentence of seeing where life will go describes how I currently feel perfectly. 

(My ex-colleagues were joking that this list was going to be about a particular person - running joke at my previous company now - but I swear this list was formed primarily on the things that were lacking with my ex-boyfriend).

1. Someone who gives me quality time. Note: LDR made expressing this love language extremely difficult. Why did I never bring this up until now listening to podcasts about love languages??

2. Someone who makes me feel secure.

3. Someone who allows me to be a better communicator. (this one is related to item No. 2 above as I always remember this one particular happening whilst we were interstate. I remembered I had to go outside to the car in the dark to get something. We had some crazy neighbours so I was a little afraid to go outside. Being the stubborn person that I am, I never would’ve asked him to keep me company and walk outside with me. When I think about it now, if I had been a better communicator I would’ve asked him to come and walk outside with me so I can have company and feel safer, and so I wouldn’t still be thinking about this moment until now as a bad moment).

4. Someone who knows and understands my love language. First would be Quality Time and second would be Words of Affirmation. Small things like “you’re doing great today” (again LDR made being appreciative of each other’s achievements extremely hard).

5. Someone I don’t have expectations for and I can just grow with them instead.

6. Someone who doesn’t get jealous. And if they do, then we can talk about it together in a healthy manner without butting heads.

7. Someone who doesn’t make me count wrongs and someone who can allow me talk about problems the moment they exist (my red flag not his. I will need to work on these).

Thanks for being there for me for the last two months. It was nice to have you there as I was going my (very long and LDR relationship) break up. To be honest, I was a little afraid of being in your company as you are nine years older than I am, probably had a lifetime’s worth of experiences and could read what I was thinking faster than I could say out loud. 

I don’t know how my public self looked to other people at work but the last two months was an emotional mess inside my head. I tried to deal with the separation (not just physical separation of a LDR but also emotional) and the messy aftermath of a first love relationship breakup. This included staying in bed for some weekends (with my sister needing to pull me out of bed for a HSP run) and drinking a lot (to deal with the break up and also leading a project under a bad manager). 

I blame this whole pandemic that my ex and me went through (1 year and 3 months until the end of the relationship) and when my ex went to Europe (for 7-8 months) for the LDR relationship breaking. This totalled almost two years we were apart. It made me see that I could live my life without my ex. The last few times I went up to visit I would question why I was there. And if I could handle moving up there. These are all red flags isn’t it? Being accepting of life’s imperfections during my relationship wasn’t a thing that I did. My ex and me rarely compromised and it always felt like we were pulling a rope continuously between us hoping one will let go, but no one ever did. It got so bad that at one point, I even thought, “do you reckon if I was with someone in the future who I really loved, I would move anywhere for them? I would compromise everything”. Maybe when I'm older and wiser, and the timing with my ex wasn't right.

You were my sounding bound as I spoke these random thoughts.

You had gone through a break up a year ago which was maybe why I had found it easy to talk to you in the aftermath. But can you see why it was a concern that I was afraid to be in your presence?  I have read and heard from many places that some people go into rebound relationships after a break up or have friends with benefits just because they are so used to being in a relationship and get into these things because they were bored. So I was afraid of being in the company of someone of the opposite sex and someone like you who was smart and made me laugh. But all I know for sure is I'm not ready for another relationship right now as I'm not keen to spend more of my twenties in a relationship. I want to work on myself/ enjoy being single as cliche as that sounds.

You saw the breaking of my relationship. There were days after a work week when I had to catch a flight to see my ex. You saw the dismay on my face as I debated about whether I could continue taking so many flights and when all of the LDR pains will end (seemed like my ex’s career was going to be interstate for another couple of years). That were all red flag already weren’t they? 

I don't know why I didn't see the inevitable downfall with my ex. I am now thinking back on the one night when we were walking back from a night out, you told me “A, you are so miserable, can’t you see it?”. In that moment, I didn’t really register it (you would say). I thought this is just my life currently and I would have to deal with it. I didn’t think that I could actually make a choice and say ‘I’ll be better on my own. It is better to be on my own in its imperfections then question why I am in this relationship”. So many things happened that led to the downfall with my ex but I’ll keep those parts personal as I don’t want to make something private to be a one sided story.

Anyways, you have left the team now. I think it’ll be mentally better for you to be in a team with a better manager. You are so self aware that before you left the team you said “A, I’ll miss you. I know you’ll miss me too and that’s OK because it is reciprocated”. One thing I have learned recently though is that I shouldn’t stop myself from feeling certain things (and if missing people leaving the team is a feeling then I have to feel it). I must stop pushing people away. From a friend who has gone through a relationship break up to another, we may have pulled each other down but it’s time to help pull each other back up.

Despite the imperfections of life at the moment where I have failed at a long term relationship or having second thoughts about my team, I am accepting of these life’s imperfections. Another friend has told me that sometimes in life, you meet certain people who change how you feel about certain things and I feel like you are one of these people in my life.

What’s next? Well, realising life’s imperfections and choosing to live in it anyways, is to me “one step for man, one giant leap for mankind” for my life. And I think I’ll carry on the rest of 2021 with that mindset. I’ll let you know how I go later on in the year. Thanks for listening.

Today is Saturday and I had just been reading a book but I keep being overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions. So I got up from lying down reading a book and headed here to write. Don’t know why whenever I have an instinct to write whenever I’m feeling heavy in my heart. (I remember you used to write lots of your feelings here).

What’s happening lately? Nothing much except work - especially with this lockdown where you can’t really go to many places except home, work and go out to get food. I wish I had travelled the world more before this pandemic hit instead of waiting for hitting life goals. Adventures cannot wait.

The team at work are finally reaching to the end of this year’s release. I wasn’t even leading the team but I feel very burnt out. The project manager was a control freak so lots of the things that can usually go wrong with a release was under control. But there were lots of days that we pushed towards deadlines that were put in out of nowhere and I think that’s what finally burnt all of us by the end of the release. 

The company is ramping up the planning for the next release and I haven’t even had the time to catch my breath on the hell of lockdown that Melburnians have endured or seeing D for the last four months. Yesterday, I had a 1-on-one with the manager. Because of someone leaving the team, I would have to step up from 2nd-in-command to 1st-in-command for a project.

As other funnily offer their congratulations, I reflect internally and am now writing back to you going ‘you wouldn’t even believe what your 27 year self is doing. You’ll be leading a team of some people who are twice your age’. I don’t we adults ever become adults. It just so happen that kids that just so happen to one day be 27.

I might write to you again another day. But for now, I want to offer your full attention to people who are talking to you and really listen to what they say. I know you feel negative all the time and feel the need to blame everything on your parents (for not letting you go out so you don’t feel close to anyone at school) but you can change how you listen to others and be there for them for the short time period that is called high school. This is a skill that will very much help you be happy at 27.

My manager had decided to resign. It was shocking when he brought it up at the meeting. But the moment he said what job he's been offered, I thought "just go, it's your opportunity, take it".

The only thing he doesn't know that I stayed at this job because of him. He believed in me, gave me responsibilities and at the end of the day really he actively listened to both my happiness and sadness. Heck he even believed in me to sit in an interview for someone applying for a job and let me manage a mini project (And the age of 26!). I've been attending meetings with higher ups to report of the project lately as well. Throughout most of 2019, I didn't feel confident in myself to carry out my tasks and I thought my manager at the time didn't believe in me as he didn't give me many tasks to do. I acted fine at work but there were some nights (Not many) where I cried at home. My boyfriend knew all about it but I didn't confess later that it was my manager. I just said "work makes me sad" all the time. Even now as I am recounting it, I have tears in my eyes. I thought 2020 was gonna be great because of having a good manager. And I now I feel that slipping away.

Or are these one of those times where you must go out of your comfort zone to be great?

Anyway I recently bought a car. I think the whole world knows about it right now (well ya know what I mean). I had spent so long looking for the perfect car for me because for me it's not just about a car. The choices I make are a reflection of myself.

Since getting the car, my colleagues at work are all often joking to me about when I'll take them for a ride or the fact that some of them corner my car in the car park because they think it's a funny thing to do. Makes me think I never was like this. Never used to easily get along with people and it's kinda sad to think this just because people want a ride in your car. It does me think how far I've come. I will take them for a ride one day. They all deserve it from all the Mondays where I would come back and say "I'm still deciding between such and such car" or " do I really need this safety feature or that safety feature or that safety feature?' I also used to think it was hard to make friends as an adult but lately it's been otherwise. Adult life lately has been nice. The small gestures of people inviting me out to lunch, thank you.

I can try a little harder though, it doesn't hurt to be a little nicer sometimes.

Anyway that's probably all my thoughts for today. I really should've slept half an hour ago but thought it's been a while since I've put words down.

New changes coming

Just got back from the gym. Still love starting my weekends off with Body Step and Body Pump as I feel extra pumped for the weekend ahead. It was also raining today, so it's perfect. I also wore my new periwinkle coloured Nike shoes today that I bought last weekend, they're so comfortable. AND they match my periwinkle coloured watch. Ah the little things!

It's been a long week of testing at work. From memory, I completed 29 tests on Monday, 40 on Tuesday, 28 on Wednesday, 24 on Thursday and then 19 tests on Friday. That's 140 tests this week! When I compete against myself, I can push myself really far. I'm so proud of this week's achievement.

Aside from the fact I got my period on Friday so I was quite moody yesterday, it's been a great week. And yes, I'm crazy for going to the gym on my period this morning...

On another note, my boyfriend recently got offered a job in the field he wanted. So happy for him! He's moving interstate.

Despite feeling a bit sad at times that we may not see each other as often in 2020, I'm kinda excited to spend some time visiting him and road tripping around NSW and maybe even Australia. I've grown up in Victoria, got educated in Victoria and worked for the last 3 years in Victoria so... I'm definitely looking for a change. Despite having a dream to buy a house soon, I'm okay with buying three years or more from now (already proud that I already have the deposit for the house saved).

I think for now, I definitely need this new experience. I have more time to work on myself next year (hopefully not Body Stepping everyday! :P) Or catch up with a friend or two more often in the year. So my 2020 has definitely taken a turn. It'll now include road tripping around Australia and more time to work on myself when he isn't here.

Speaking of 2020 goals and a great way to finish this post, I've been making them slowly. Here is a list of them...

2020 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Read one book per month

2. Fitness classes 2 days a week

3. Buy a car

4. Go see bf and road trip around NSW often

5. Go to Taiwan

6. No coffees in Sunday

7. Hike the Werribee Gorge 2 times a year

8. Catch up with at least one friend often.

9. Be more conscious about where money is going.

10. Save X amounts of money.

A crazy week

This week has been a more crazy week than usual.

This week started with me taking 2.5 hours to get home on Monday. I texted my friend that it took me ages to get home too and by chance, she happened to have a client for work in the same area as my work for the entire week so she offered to drive me to and from work for the entire week. I'm glad I made the move to chit chat to her about the shitty transport!

So it's been a wonderful week of commuting to and fro for work with a friend this week to avoid the public transport cancellations. It was lovely to drop by a cafe nearby my work on some mornings and share the struggles and achievements of a work week personally with a friend. She also works in consulting which is equivalent to being a contractor for engineering organizations, so we bonded over that too. Some examples of successes included being near the top of the leaderboard for number of executed tests per day! We also caught up with another friend on Thursday night and that was lovely. It's been a while since I've hung out with female friends and I'm loving this female empowerment.

I don't know how I'd handle next week's transport without her next week cancellations, but I'll figure that out tomorrow.

Furthermore, work has been crazy. My formal testing period has begun which means things are busy as until Christmas. Being watched running tests for 3 months straight will be exhausting. My first set of tasks is a system I'm responsible for so I've been quite stressed over that this week. But I'm learning to not keep things in anymore. When I'm stressed, I try to discuss with my colleagues so I do feel a bit better after that. I feel like I'm getting closer to my colleagues. It's been 1.5 years and I'm sad that it took this long....

Anyways, it was pretty funny that I did a little dance in front of the microwave the other day at lunch because I was so happy to be away from the lab for a bit. A senior manager saw my little dance and that put a smile on his face :)

Doing an audit on a system, whilst at the same time meeting workers from the government whilst at the same time running tests whilst at the same time having your period... it's been an exhausting week!!!

I also met an ex colleague during this formal testing period, who now works for the government. We went out to lunch with another colleague from my workplace. I really do miss her at the workplace.

Anyway enough of work. It's annoying thinking about it.

What else? I've been heavily thinking about getting a car. Not just because of the shitty public transport this week but because I keep thinking about working out to get my mind off work after work and I need a car to get to and from places easily. I've been looking forward to Body Step and Body Pump all week. So when I was finally able to go to the gym this morning, I was ecstatic. My fitness instructor noticed me today and went up to me and said good luck to my second class. I wonder if she's noticed I've been to her class for the last five months 🤭 Anyways, she's like this crazy asian fitness lady that has five kids and has a really outgoing personality. I love starting my weekend off with her class! It's the little things like this that makes my week.

On another note, when I heard a song on the radio this morning in the car on the way to the gym, I started crying which was random. I started thinking back on the last 3 years as an engineering grad... but those are stories maybe for another day.

And that was a summary of this week's hectic week. It's been exciting to kick off this testing period, experience the week with empowering women friends and ex colleagues and finally be able to knock down my walls to get closer with colleagues. I believe all these have definitely made this week a great success.

It had me think that 2019 has been mediocre, but it is never too late to be happy.

Finding fitness classes

Finding the right fitness class for me has been a struggle.

For the last six months, I've been taking the one hour Body Step class along with one hour of something else, I.e., Spin or just using the usual gym equipment. I've even tried taking Pilates and Zumba with my cousins and sister these two random times.

I've found positives and negnatives about each class that I've grown to love and hate.

Spin to me is a bit boring. I prefer to go bike riding with my boyfriend admiring the landscape aand urban structures of the Melbourne cycling trails.

The gym equipment is not as boring as Spin class but I definitely need motivation for that. Maybe I need a personal trainer for this...

I haven't taken Zumba and Pilates long enough but they're classes that are probably not worth my time when I pay a weekly casual entry. Maybe when I have a yearly membership when I can mix up my workouts.

And that brings me to my current moment.

Today was the first time I've taken Body Step and Body Pump back to back, and I'm loving it! Some may think taking two classes is intense but I want to make the most of my casual entry. There's parts of both classes that I skip over so I don't overwork my muscles though. In Body Step, I skip some "in between" steps of fast songs. In Body Pump, I take off weights off the bar at the end of the class.

Taking classes makes me think of how far I've come, from the timid girl who was once so afraid to speak out and who was like a "no way!" to the gym. I feel more powerful inside now. It makes me feel powerful knowing I'm working on myself (inside and outside) when the rest of the world is sleeping in on a Saturday morning. And feeling PUMPED to the music for the rest of the day!!!

Also thanks to my mates at work in my team who also encourage me to pursue this new hobby in trying to find out what works for me for the last six months.

I might have to get a car next year to go to more classes (since the public transport commutes makes it hard to go to classes before or after work), but that's a 2020 problem ;)

What is the most perfect day?