🩷 Tamon’s Gf 🩷

🜼 his first coherent thought is actually quite simple: oh no, she’s pretty. his second thought is: oh no, she’s talking to me. because somehow you’ve wandered over and asked him a completely normal question. something simple. something like, “do you actually spend all day on the beach?” and ken, who has answered this question hundreds of times, suddenly forgets how words work. he opens his mouth. closes it. opens it again. “yes.” pause. “my job is beach.” another pause. “i’m very good at it.” you stare at him for a solid three seconds before looking at barbie and going, “is he serious?” and ken somehow falls in love.

🜼 your first impression of him is genuinely terrible. not terrible as in unpleasant. terrible as in confusing. because every time you see him, he’s doing something strange. posing. flexing. dramatically staring into the ocean. running on sand for no obvious reason. one afternoon you watch him spend ten minutes trying to impress a seagull. a seagull. by the end of the week you’ve started referring to him privately as “that beach idiot”. unfortunately for you, ken would be thrilled to know you’ve given him a nickname because it means you’ve been thinking about him.

🜼 ken develops an absolutely ridiculous habit of appearing wherever you are. nobody knows how he does it. least of all ken. you’ll be having lunch with the barbies and suddenly he’s there. you’ll be walking through town and somehow he’s there too. you’ll mention wanting to see the sunset and he’ll materialise from nowhere like a particularly handsome ghost. he isn’t doing it deliberately.

🜼 he’s just become so hyper-aware of your existence that his entire body seems programmed to locate you automatically. if somebody asks where ken is, they can usually find the answer by locating you first.

🜼 because ken falls in love with his entire heart, he starts paying attention to every little thing about you. he remembers your favourite colour after hearing it once. he remembers which ice cream flavour you picked three weeks ago. he remembers that you hate getting sand in your shoes and starts absent-mindedly brushing it away whenever he notices. the sweetest part is that he doesn’t even realise he’s doing any of this. somebody points out that he remembers every detail about you and ken just blinks. “well, yeah. it’s her.”

🜼 the barbies catch on almost immediately. they are not subtle about it. one morning you’re having breakfast when a barbie casually asks, “so, how are things with ken?” and you’re like, “what things?” meanwhile every barbie at the table suddenly becomes fascinated by their coffee because they’re trying not to laugh. because from the outside, ken’s love is visible from space.

🜼 ken absolutely adores making you laugh. unfortunately, most of the time he’s not actually trying to be funny. he’s just naturally ridiculous. one day he’s attempting to explain beach to you with the seriousness of somebody discussing quantum physics. ten minutes later you’re crying with laughter while he’s looking at you completely bewildered. “what?” he asks. “nothing,” you manage, “keep going.” and ken, who would happily explain beach for six hours if it means you’ll keep smiling like that, immediately continues.

🜼 there comes a point where he starts looking for your reaction first. every time something happens. every single time. if he tells a joke, he looks at you. if he does something impressive, he looks at you. if he successfully carries six beach chairs at once, he immediately checks whether you saw it. your opinion becomes terrifyingly important to him without either of you noticing.

🜼 you begin finding him everywhere. not because he’s following you. because people keep talking about him. “ken helped me with that.” “ken said you liked these flowers.” “ken remembered your favourite song.” it’s like he’s accidentally woven himself into your daily life. one day you realise you haven’t gone more than a few hours without hearing his name and that thought is much more dangerous than you’d like to admit.

🜼 ken becomes convinced you’re the coolest person in barbieland. not one of the coolest. the coolest. you could literally sit down and drink lemonade and ken would act like he’s witnessing history. “you’re amazing.” “i’m drinking lemonade.” “exactly.”

🜼 every time you compliment him, he malfunctions. completely. the first time you tell him his jacket looks nice, he spends the next three weeks wearing that exact jacket. every single day. eventually barbie asks why and ken just shrugs. “she likes it.” as though that’s the most obvious explanation in the world.

🜼 one afternoon you’re sitting on the beach reading while ken rambles beside you. he’s been talking for approximately twenty-seven minutes about something you stopped following ten minutes ago. eventually you glance up and realise he’s smiling. not because of what he’s saying. because you’re listening. because you’re there. because he gets to spend time with you. and for the first time you think, oh. he’s actually kind of sweet.

🜼 the shift happens slowly after that. you start finding his ridiculousness charming instead of annoying. when he trips over something, you laugh and help him up instead of rolling your eyes. when he starts rambling, you listen. when you spot him jogging across the beach to say hello, your day genuinely improves. it’s a very dangerous development.

🜼 ken notices immediately. not consciously. but he notices. your smiles linger longer. your greetings sound warmer. you seek him out more often. and every tiny sign gets treasured like buried treasure. one smile from you can improve his entire week.

🜼 once you’ve become friends, he’s unstoppable. because now he has an excuse to spend time with you. suddenly he’s inviting you everywhere. beach walks. sunset watching. horse-related activities that somehow don’t actually involve horses. every invitation is delivered with the enthusiasm of a puppy presenting a stick.

🜼 one of his favourite things becomes hearing you say his name. which is incredibly unfortunate because now every time you do, he lights up. “ken?” “yeah?” “ken.” “yeah?” “ken.” “yeah?” eventually you stop because he’s smiling too hard to function.

🜼 he starts bringing you little gifts. shells. flowers. shiny things he finds interesting. they’re never expensive. never grand. just small things that made him think of you. half the time the gifts don’t even make sense. “i saw this rock and thought you’d like it.” “why?” “it looked happy.”

🜼 if you ever sit next to him voluntarily, he’s done for. absolutely finished. he’ll spend the entire day trying to act normal while internally replaying the moment over and over again. she sat next to me. there were other seats. she chose this one.

🜼 ken develops a habit of looking at you whenever you’re talking, even in group conversations. he could be surrounded by twenty people and somehow his attention always drifts back to you. eventually one of the barbies notices and starts grinning every time it happens.

🜼 he starts saying your name differently. softer. warmer. like it’s his favourite word. because honestly, it probably is.

🜼 one day you realise something horrifying. you miss him when he’s not around. ken, who used to make you think who’s this idiot?, has somehow become part of your routine. your favourite part.

🜼 the moment you decide to stay in barbieland permanently, ken spends the entire day smiling. nobody can get a sensible answer out of him. he’s just happy. ridiculously happy. because you aren’t leaving.

🜼 when he finds out you’re staying, he tries very hard to play it cool. “oh. that’s nice.” pause. “really nice.” longer pause. “extremely nice, actually.” then he immediately runs off to tell every other ken.

🜼 the thing that finally gets you isn’t his looks. it isn’t even his devotion. it’s his kindness. the way he remembers things. the way he genuinely cares. the way he celebrates everybody else’s happiness as though it’s his own. one day you catch him helping somebody without expecting anything in return, and suddenly all those little pieces click together.

🜼 by then, ken is so in love it’s honestly ridiculous. he looks at you like you’ve personally invented sunsets. like you’re responsible for every good thing that’s ever happened to him.

🜼 when you finally realise you like him back, ken is completely oblivious. because despite being head over heels in love, he’s still a massive himbo.

🜼 you’ll be staring at him, smiling at him, seeking him out constantly, choosing him over and over again, and ken will still go home thinking, wow. she’s so nice to me. i wonder if she likes me. meanwhile every single person in barbieland is ready to scream because from the moment he saw you, ken never really stood a chance.

🜼 he took one look at the girl who was only supposed to stay for the weekend, fell hopelessly in love, and then spent every day afterwards accidentally building a friendship so sweet that eventually you couldn’t imagine barbieland without him in it either.

🜼 when strangers become friends, and friends become your favourite person, and your favourite person turns out to be a sunshine-bright beach himbo who looks at you like you’re magic, there are much worse fates.

🜼 dating ken is basically like accidentally adopting the world’s most affectionate golden retriever. from the moment the two of you officially get together, he becomes physically incapable of keeping his happiness to himself. every single morning starts with him looking delighted that you still exist. you’ll walk out of your dreamhouse and find him already waiting outside. not in a creepy way. in a “good morning! i brought you a flower! i found it ten minutes ago and immediately thought of you!” way. and every single time he sees you, regardless of whether it’s been five minutes or five hours, his face lights up like you’ve just returned from war.

🜼 he absolutely loves introducing you as his girlfriend. loves it. adores it. somebody asks who you are and ken immediately straightens up. “this is my girlfriend.” the amount of pride in his voice is ridiculous. you’ve been dating for three months and he still sounds surprised every time he gets to say it. sometimes he’ll just work it into conversations for no reason. “my girlfriend likes that colour.” “my girlfriend told me about that.” “actually my girlfriend—” and eventually one of the barbies has to gently remind him that everyone already knows who you are.

🜼 he’s unbelievably clingy, but in the sweetest way imaginable. not possessive. not demanding. he just genuinely likes being near you. if you’re sitting somewhere, ken is probably sitting beside you. if you’re standing somewhere, ken somehow drifts over within five minutes. if there’s a choice between sitting across from you or next to you, he’ll choose next to you every single time. eventually you realise that half the time he doesn’t even notice he’s doing it. his brain simply goes, there’s my favourite person, and his body follows.

🜼 ken becomes obsessed with holding hands. genuinely obsessed. once he realises he can just reach for your hand whenever he wants, it’s over. walking through barbieland? hand-holding. sitting together? hand-holding. watching the sunset? hand-holding. talking to friends? somehow still hand-holding. there are entire conversations where ken remembers absolutely none of what was said because he’s too busy being delighted that you’re holding his hand voluntarily.

🜼 and the thing is, he keeps looking down at your joined hands. every time. every single time. you’ll be halfway through telling a story and notice him smiling at your intertwined fingers. “ken, are you listening?” “yeah.” “what did i just say?” long pause. “your hand is really nice.” absolutely hopeless.

🜼 he loves praise more than any human being should. one casual compliment can sustain him for weeks. you’ll tell him he looks handsome and suddenly he’s smiling for the rest of the day. tell him you’re proud of him and he practically melts. one time you casually mention that you like the shirt he’s wearing and he starts wearing it constantly. not because he’s vain. because you liked it.

🜼 the first time you call him your boyfriend in front of somebody else, he nearly short-circuits. genuinely. you’re introducing him to somebody and casually say, “this is my boyfriend, ken.” and poor ken looks like you’ve just informed him he’s won a major award. afterwards he keeps replaying it in his head. my boyfriend. she said my boyfriend.

🜼 he becomes very, very affectionate once he’s comfortable. not even in a dramatic way. just constantly finding reasons to touch you. an arm around your shoulders. his hand resting on your back. leaning against you while you’re talking. resting his head on your shoulder. he’s spent so much of his life feeling lonely that having somebody he can simply be close to feels like the greatest luxury imaginable.

🜼 cuddling becomes one of his favourite activities almost immediately. unfortunately, ken treats cuddling like a competitive sport. if you’re watching a film together, he’s somehow ended up half draped across you by the end. if you’re lying on the beach, his head is in your lap. if you’re sitting on a sofa, he’s curled up against your side. at some point you realise that ken will choose physical contact over furniture every single time.

🜼 he absolutely adores your attention. you’ll be talking to somebody else and occasionally glance over to find him already looking at you. not because he’s jealous. because he likes watching you. likes listening to you. likes hearing you talk about things you’re excited about. ken would happily sit through a three-hour lecture on a topic he doesn’t understand if it meant listening to you explain it.

🜼 he develops the habit of randomly blurting out affectionate thoughts the second they enter his head. there is no filter. none whatsoever. you’ll be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly ken interrupts himself. “you’re really pretty.” “ken.” “sorry. i got distracted.” by what? by his own girlfriend existing apparently.

🜼 every date becomes an adventure because ken is genuinely enthusiastic about everything. going for a walk becomes the greatest walk ever taken. getting ice cream becomes a magical experience. watching the sunset becomes a life-changing event. the secret is that he isn’t excited about the activity. he’s excited because he’s doing it with you.

🜼 the barbies absolutely never let him live any of this down. if he spends too long staring at you, somebody notices. if he smiles every time you enter a room, somebody notices. if he accidentally says “my girlfriend” six times in one conversation, somebody definitely notices. one barbie eventually says, “ken, you’ve been smiling at her for ten minutes.” and he just shrugs. “i know.”

🜼 he’s incredibly thoughtful in strange little ways. you’ll mention wanting to see a sunset from a particular spot and two days later ken has already planned it. you’ll mention liking a certain flower and suddenly he starts bringing them to you. not because he’s trying to impress you. because he genuinely listens. every little thing you tell him gets carefully stored away.

🜼 perhaps the sweetest thing is that ken never really gets over the fact that you chose him. months into the relationship, you’ll still catch him looking at you with that same soft, slightly disbelieving expression. sometimes you’ll ask what he’s thinking about. and every time the answer is roughly the same.

“nothing.”

“ken.”

“okay.” giant smile.

Ken had you laid out on the bed like you were the most precious thing in all of Barbieland and beyond. Since moving to the real world, he had discovered something he loved even more than 'beach' and horses: that was, going down on you. On this occasion, his hands— big and warm as ever— were hooked into the waistband of your pants, ready to pull them down in one dramatic flourish. He didn't care what you were wearing on top; in fact, he left you fully-clothed above the waist, and completely nude below, oftentimes. All he cared about was getting between your thighs and making you squirm for as long as he was allowed.

He was already whispering sweetly, trembling slightly as he wrestled your jeans from your legs and threw them over his shoulder. “I’m gonna worship you so good, baby.” He began to pull your panties down, expecting to see the usual sight of bush that he loved so much (being unable to grow pubic hair, himself, he was infatuated with yours), but was confused to find nothing but soft skin. He pulled your panties down further and further, thinking you'd perhaps just trimmed a little lower, or he'd misremembered how far down it started. Ken furrowed his brows, confused and frustrated that something was afoot, and yanked your panties all the way down to your ankles. He gasped in horror, hands flying to his mouth. His eyes remained wide, disbelieving, as he lowered his hands back down to your thighs. “Uhhh… babe?” His voice cracked. “Where is your lovely bush, please?” You propped yourself up on your elbows and blinked. “Huh?” He rubbed a thumb tentatively over the mound, as if the missing hair would magically reappear. “Your beautiful little bush, babe! It’s... it’s all naked!” You stared down, puzzled, then realised. “Oh,” you let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I shaved. I thought you’d like it. Y’know… kind of a summery situation?”

Ken sat back on his heels, looking absolutely devastated. “You… you shaved it?” he repeated back. “For... summer?” His eyes began to glisten, his lip wobbling, then he flopped face-forward onto the bed, crying softly. The smile fell off your face: he looked like he was going through the seven stages of grief really quickly. “Baby, nooo!” You cooed, sitting up quickly and closing your legs to prevent him from being reminded of the tragedy. "It's ok, Ken!" You rubbed soothing circles on his muscular back, still clad in his denim vest. “But— but I love your bush,” he cried out, a single tear rolling down his rosy cheek. “It was so… so you! Like a welcome mat, guarding the happiest place in the world! And now it’s just— gone.” He looked so genuinely heartbroken you almost felt bad for the smile that crept onto your face: you fought hard to suppress it, and half-succeeded, offering a sympathetic grimace. “Awww, Ken, c'mon,” you reached down, rolling him over (he limply allowed you) and cupping his face, thumbs wiping away his hot tears. “Baby, it’ll grow back! Give it a few weeks and—" "A few weeks!?" Ken wailed, alarmed. He began to sob dramatically, rolling over to bury his face in the covers again. "Maybe less!" You negotiated, rubbing his back with increasing rigour. "It'll be back and I'll never shave again, I promise!"

Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Ken's affection is a sweet kind of smothering. It’s always finding you — hooking an arm around your shoulders, calling for your attention before showing off something he thinks is impossibly cool. And when you return the affection, he takes it up a notch — sneaking peppered kisses all over your face, pressing a loud, exaggerated mwah! to your lips, then settling his chin on your chest and gazing up at you with worship and adoration.

Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the relationship start?)

A lot like he is a romantic partner, he's a loyal friend. He loves you— he loves you hard. If another Ken bothers you, he is ready to fight them on your behalf — not that he actually can. The friendship was pretty one-sided at first, he took one look at you, declared you his best friend, and refused to let you have a say in the matter. He latched on, followed you around, sought you out your attention. Somewhere along the way, you started to return the feeling. He's very serious about you, but also you gotta deal with his shenanigans just the same way a partner would.

Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

This is Ken we're talking about, obviously he loves it. He's the little spoon, his favorite thing to do is just be held, but occasionally he'll do the sprawl out and take up the entire bed, no matter if you're there or not. And if you are there, you are likely beneath them.

Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How good are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Ken is ready when you are. And by that I mean he was ready within the first few seconds of knowing you. He knows his true calling is to be your house husband. If you really wanted, he could be bringing home the bacon. But even if he thinks he can be a 9 to 5 worker, that shit would kill him. He just wants to stay home, cook, clean. And if you two have kids, he just wants to play with them like he is one.

Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

With a lot of pretending to be macho. But best believe a few whimpers and tears would slip out. After he says the words, he would run away — like literally sprinting in the opposite direction. And then probably hide — not subtly — behind a corner and watch you for an hour.

Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He proposes within three days of knowing you. In his own world, you're already married, he's just waiting for you to do the whole ceremony.

Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Ken actually doesn't have a harsh bone in his body. Man-handling you is impossible for him, and if he does, he's doing it without knowing. He is the least violent person. If he punched someone, it would be out of jealousy for you, and he would also scream in fear immediately after.

Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Ken hugs like he's holding you hostage. He wraps his arms around you, rests his chin on top of your head, and closes his eyes. Then he starts whispering things that sound suspiciously like he's never planning to let you go.

I love you (How fast do they say the L-Word?)

Ken says it within thirty seconds of meeting you. You're having a completely normal conversation when he suddenly goes quiet, stares at you with wide-eyed awe, and softly whispers, "I love you."

Naturally, you're confused. "Excuse me?".

"What? Nothing. No. I didn't say anything."

Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they're jealous?)

Ken is the most jealous person in existence. And it's not just the other Kens—he's jealous of the Barbies too. There is not a single soul in Barbieland that he doesn't side-eye. Someone talks to you? He's immediately suspicious. Someone looks at you? He's on them. And if you're in the real world, somehow he's worse. There isn't a single person he doesn't have his eye on. He's watching everyone like a hawk. You could be thanking a cashier, and Ken is already standing there like,

"So. What's their deal?"

"Ken, I literally don't know that person."

" … Mmhm."

He's convinced the entire universe is actively trying to steal you from him.

Kisses (What are their kisses like?)

Ken might honestly be the worst kisser in existence. That doesn't mean he's impossible to improve. If you work at it with him, it'll be sublime. But if you're just starting, it's gonna be the worst thing ever. Too much saliva, too much teeth, not enough oxygen.

Little Ones (How are they around children?)

Ken is great with children, mostly because he is one. Put him in a room full of kids playing a game, and within five minutes he's sitting cross-legged in the circle, fully participating like he belongs there. He talks to them like adults and complains to the children about other Kens.

"I think Earring Magic Ken is in love with her."

"Why?"

"He looked at her today. Should I be worried?"

The kids tell him yes.

He nods seriously. "I'll keep an eye on him."

Mornings (How are mornings spent with them?”

Hard to say, but honestly I think Ken is a sleep-in type of person. He'll have the occasional energy burst and he'll be up way early, and he'll be wearing ridiculous workout outfits and acting like you're a slack off and that you need to join him in this new spiritual journey of being productive every day, but don't worry, he'll crash by noon.

Night (How are nights spent with them?)

All I gotta say is hide the guitar.

Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Ken is very open about himself from the get-go, but the longer you know him, the more you realize that despite constantly sharing things, you don’t know as much as you thought. New little details surface that you wouldn’t have expected, and you find yourself thinking like wow.

Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Not patient at all. His snap rate is about two seconds. With you, it’s longer, and even when he gets angry, he doesn’t blow up. Instead, he tends to take deep and dramatic breaths to calm himself down. He rarely snaps at you, and when he does, it comes off more comical than hurtful. Not because he’s trying to be funny, but because of how he expresses it.

Quizzes (How much would they remember about you?)

Ken is a lockbox of memories for every little detail about you ever. And he loves all the little facts too. When he's hanging out with Kens, you won't be the topic, but he'll start yapping about you anyway.

Remember (What is their favorite memory in the relationship?)

If someone asked, his favorite memory of you two would probably be something really cliché. He’d say your date on the lake or a candlelit dinner in a garden. But his real answer is probably the first time you showed interest in one of his interests.

Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? And how would they like to be protected?)

Much like jealousy, he is level 100 protectiveness. I wouldn’t say you should lay your life on the line for him in any fight, but you’ve got to give it to him, he’ll try his damnedest (assuming he doesn’t run away screaming from a real threat) And, like his bad habits, he mostly just wants to be coddled. Maybe occasionally defended in public. Just don’t go embarrassing him in front of the Kens.

Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts?)

Oh, he tries, he tries hard. It's always a fail, but the thought is there— a lot of thoughts are there. He loves grand gestures, they just turn into grand disasters.

Ugly (What are some bad habits of theirs?)

Childish. He’ll pout, really pout, like no one else does it like him. It’s actually aggravating. He can take insults from the love of his life just fine, most of it just rolls off him. But every now and then, something lands a bit too deeply, and then he’ll retreat into a corner, waiting for you to come and apologize and coddle him.

Vanity (How concerned are they they with their looks?)

Um, well, let's just say if he gets a pimple, you're not going anywhere that day.

Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Can't really survive more than two hours without you. You're basically his oxygen. He'll start unraveling if you're not there. Genuinely, he will start another patriarchy.

Xtra Headcanon

He loves to wear exercise outfits, he loves to say he's exercising, he loves the whole aesthetic of exercising, but he taps out within thirty seconds of actually exercising. He is panting like a dog, sweating in a way you didn't even know dolls could sweat. Do not let him on a treadmill, it is dangerous.

Yuck (What would they not like in a partner?)

There's not much you could do to push Ken away. It's kind of impossible. You could bully him 23 out of 24 hours in the day and he'd simply tell himself that's your love language. But one thing that I'd say is very important to him is for you to appreciate some of his interests. Even pretend to like a few of them, and he'll be beaming for days.

Z (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

COLT

Colt would be the guy that makes a shit ton of back flips just to impress you on the first date (he stopped because mister dumbass got his back injured... Again, and he is just happy you are with him in the hospital room).

Likes the cheesiest songs ever (Imagine Dragons kind of cheesy), fucking taste of music.

Colt is a prop stealer, he would steal things just to gift them to you, like a happy dog getting a bone in the backyard, and leave it on your feet (both of you ignore those things are worth millions of dollars...).

Colt would find it personally offensive when you ask him to share the paying bill on anything when you both hang out, he would look at you like if you just had insulted his mother while he pays up.

It doesn't matter your size, he would use you for workout weight lift.

If you both have a child, and his daughter is in a soccer game tournament, he would buy a personalised cheerleader outfit (yes! Skirt and everything, baby!) just to cheer up his baby girl. Other fathers hated him because all the moms were having a snack!

Ryland Grace:

Ryland is a science nerd, but not a geek nerd like you, and he heard the 'fake it till you make it', so he decided to ruin his life and just straight up lie about him liking the same stuff as you. "I like Robin, I like more the sidekick than just a frivolous millionaire with a cape," he low-key thought he nailed it. "Oh, me too, which one?" You asked, and he is blank, extremely confused, more confused than anything. "What do you mean, which one?" he said, and you just bite your lips to laugh on his face.

Ry is so in love with you that he would call you for the dumbest things: 'Oh no, I left my jacket in your car, I just planted this morning', and he would ask you if you could come to his school and give it to him, so all his students would meet you.

Ry is the kind of guy who would masturbate with videos of girls who have similar physical characteristics of you (this guy is demisexual as fuck!).

He doesn't like having people in his apartment, he once had you by accident (the whole place is disgusting), he was embarrassed by how you cleaned it up, everything! But he just likes to call you once in a while for stupid cleaning tips, just for an excuse to hear your voice.

He had to give sexual education once again against his will, after the worst day of his life. One his students told you, "Teacher Grace told us about how babies are made," a girl said. "That's so sweet, I didn't know how he also gave sex education." He waves his head red cherry at you. "He did teach us about the Punett square using your and his genetics. Do you think you could have babies with his blue eyes, or are they all would have brown eyes?" You laughed so hard your stomach hurts, Grace can't be mad of his student anyway.

Musical nerd, he would put songs in the car and be unssufrable.

When you told him you were pregnant, he panicked so hard he blacked out.

If you gave him a baby, he is the kind of parent that buys those children books 'Physics for babies'.

Driver:

Driver is the kind of man who truly has a delirious religious belief: he can do ANYTHING. So, when you mentioned him that you wish both have money to renovate the bathroom, he would do it! No second thoughts, he would make it work with the power of love, friendship and his repressed bisexual feelings every time he watches young Al Pacino (he ends up with a shit ton of injuries on his hands, but the job is done. And you are happy, and he can now fuck you senseless, but in a prettier bathroom :D).

He fixes the car, he can fix anything in the apartment, he is a Swiss army man. You don't know how to explain to him how easy your life has been since he is in it, but obviously, you let him fuck your brains out anytime. He has a strange libido in wierd hours (he once fucked you at 3am just because you went to piss, you came back to bed, and in a blink, your pjs evaporated).

He is deeply thinking about baby trap you when he saw you have a guy friend in your work (he doesn't know you are seriously, hands down, settle for him).

One time, you were washing both clothes, and he just came home after a driving mission, he was heavy breathing and almost running after you. "Hi driver, how was your—oh, shit!" He just tackled you, lift you on his shoulders like a bag of potatoes, and fuck you at least three rounds in a row (you black out, that's why he didn't do more).

One day you gave him a cute car decoration, he has broken fingers just because they have tried to touch it.

Some kids broke his daughter's bike, and he silently made God's hand of justice...

He is the worst nightmare for any guy who wants his daughter. Just meet him one time and they would walk out like if they have met the devil itself.

Holland March: 

You gave Holland an orange kitty (just to work out his grief depression, and he refuses to go to therapy), he didn't like it at the beginning, but when the orange little thing started to purr, in less than three months that cat turned into the most important living thing in his house, leaving you, Healy and Holly in second place (he brings it with him all the time, like an old lady and her purse chihuahua, but he is just manly and cool with his destructive kitty).

You go out into antique stores, just to gift him more places to hide guns in his house (he has favourites and he ranks them at how visible those are in the house, he thinks he is sneaky about it, but is very obvious to you).

He gives you dumb fucking gifts for any occasion. You would never forget the day he gave you a duckwhistle and a bag of watermelons just because... It's not like he doesn't like to give you pretty gifts, he is just terrified you will find him boring and unoriginal, and you will leave him.

One night, he proposed, heavily proposed, to have a threesome with you and Healy, he passed out after fighting with Healy about he would not fuck his friend's girlfriend (but suspiciously, he didn't fought about why he wouldn't fuck a guy, you repressed the laughter with your hand topping your mouth).

Before you began to be his girlfriend, he stalked you for months. He said that you were part of a last investigation, but you checked all his papers, and nothing is on them. You don't mind though, he is a better man than anyone you have ever met.

You didn't give him your house keys, he just broke in, and he likes leaving things of his inside your house. Without a notice, you were in almost a married relationship with him without asking, because how the fuck do your family pictures are in his house?! (later Healy and Holly start crashing in your house too without asking, you just started to accept it).

Lars Lindstrom: 

Lars doesn't like using his shower products, he loves using your specific—expensive and very functional—products (he stopped buying men's products, you don't complain though, the girlfriend magical effect is making its job). Lars would have the best hair of the boys in the office, a healthy ass skin (even more than you, and you try to stay cool with it, you kinda envy him, but it actually makes him even more gorgeous and breedable. Is this what female peacocks feel like?), and he would smell so much better, and Kurt is ashamed to even give him the compliment.

If Lars had a phone, he would be a hardcore flip phone user, he uses your phone when he wants to see social media, he likes your stuff. Later, all your feed on Insta is about hot goth girls and shit about how to be a good father, and just look at him in a tense, sweaty silence, because HE KNOWS you are not the one who looks up at those things!

He hates the movie "The Notebook".

Lars is in love with your plushies, his favourite plushy is you (when he gets comfortable, there is no power on earth that could save you when he gets his hands on you).

He has a serious mummy roleplay kink. He would cry after he came; it's very cathartic for him.

If you draw, he is the kind of guy who would watch you draw and paint till you are over. You are his favourite ASMR.

If you gave Lars a baby daughter, when she turns into a teen, he would be the kind of dad who can't stand to see a guy with his daughter. He would have to let it go... Bc he was a complete weirdo when he was trying to get his wife.

Henry Letham: 

Henry is the prime example of the saying "a little bath and straight towards my home": you found him and you showered him like if he was a wet dog in the street, and ever since he won't shower if you don't do it (don't worry, you will get rewarded with the best rearrangement of guts in the state™).

Wine #1 lover, he is fully aware he is a pretentious fuck, but at least he is silent about it.

He discovered Substack and Letterbox, and he hasn't recovered physically and spiritually from it ever since.

He has a shirt that says 'Warhol is the worst that has ever happened to society after Dali and Picasso'. And you just have the biological need to fuck that man every time he uses that shirt.

He complained a lot when you called him the most sickly Victorian child face, but deep down, he loved it, he loved it a lot.

Before he began to be your boyfriend, he would ask you if you could be his sketching model for his homework (he was lying, all those nude pictures were for him).

He says his paintings and drawings are shit, but he is silently asking you for your compliments, he lives for them!

Coffee and cigs in rainy days, actually, all his brain chemistry changed when you lift him your copy of ‘The Secret History’.

Ken: 

Ken would be your fashion advisor; you don't argue, that man knows things! "Ok babe, I know you feel the outfit is making its math," you regret introducing him to Tik Tok sometimes. "But I have something better," he straight up pulled an outfit right out of nowhere, you still can't figure where the fuck he does that! "Is that fucking Prada?" You asked, deeply concerned, he got arrested five times last month. "Is cute, right?" He jumps a little, still holding the outfit. "I need to put you on a leash!" He stole it, you sigh and take it, he follows you because he likes look at you change too, everything is deadass new to him. "It's not a bad idea, it fits with a lot of cool winter outfits! Can I choose the colour?".

Ken cried for two hours after you explained to him why women have fake pockets in our clothing. "I thought patriarchy was about horses, not taking pockets away!" He shouts in the living room, you soothe him with pats on his back, but then he would crush you with his strong, tonified body (he is the clingiest man you had ever met).

"Woman! I want a horse, give me a horse!" Ken said, standing heroically on your kitchen while you make lunch. "Ken, horses are very expensive, and extremely fragile," you spent almost an hour demonstrating to him why horses are super high maintenance, fragile and volatile. "Ew, I thought they were easy, like dogs. Why people want them anyway?" He said, repulsed.

Ken has made dance videos, and sometimes he started lives by pure accident, he stopped when people started to ask him to open an account in that blue app. He doesn't like the idea because he doesn't like being sexualized by anyone, just you of course <3.

He is super new at sex, so new he thought your sex toys were house decorations.

IM STILL OPEN TO REQUESTS, SEE YOU LATER POOKIES, STAY FREAKY :P